6 Ways to Stay Sane As A Parent

Parenthood starts abruptly.

No matter how many pre-natal classes you have gone for, you can never prepare enough to take responsibility for the tiny, super-dependent little being placed in your arms for the first time, all fragile. From that moment, you know that someone depends on you, someone actually needs you. The surge of emotions that floods you in the first few hours as new parents, is something probably only parents themselves would understand.

Parenting is an ongoing process, an OTJ (on the job training). And guess what, there is no one-size-fits all way of doing this thing called parenting, simply because, every child is different.

So what can we do to make this process a less daunting one? The following pointers are tips I often give to friends who are soon-to-be mummies, new mummies or even fellow mummies.

1. Follow an online parenting forum
   There are quite a few online parenting forum groups out there which are easily accessible. (I have added a list below.) When I was pregnant with my first child, I became an active reader of the forum page at singaporemotherhood.com. It was a complete lifesaver for me. There are many interesting things to read in the forum pertaining to children and parenting. What benefitted me the most was to regularly follow the thread where mothers with the exact same EDD month as me would post messages. It is like having a group of khakis in the exact same situation as you, just virtually. Having like-minded online friends provided me with the emotional and mental support I so badly needed. It is from here that I got tips-offs on warehouse sales, baby expos, discounts, events and basically every baby-related lobang. It is definitely heartwarming to have a group of fellow to-be mummies walking through the pregnancy journey with you, all the way to the final delivery month where we then take turns to announce our delivery and post oh-so- cute baby pictures!

These like-minded friends could even end up being your good friends. I will talk more about this in the next point. So do make some time to check out some parenting forum if you haven't!

See below for some:
www.asianparents.com
www.babycenter.com.sg

1. Turn up for mummy meet-up sessions or play dates
   For both my pregnancies, I was an active reader in the forum page belonging to my girls' respective EDDs. The only different thing I did during my second pregnancy was to decide to turn up for 2 of the many meet ups that were organized. One was a play date session at a fellow mummy's place and the other: the most significant one, was a fun photoshoot. But little did I know that by turning up for that photoshoot that day, I have gotten myself a closely knitted group of friends. We may have come from different backgrounds and have different occupations. But the common factor, our kids who are all born in the same month, has brought us together. We became good friends and even fondly address each other as sisters. Since that photoshoot, we have been meeting up regularly for outings and playdates, parties, overseas trips, dinner dates, couple dates and even for one of the couple's wedding anniversary celebration! So, don't underestimate the days of small beginnings.

2. Use whatever babysitting help that is available
   Yes, I know this can be a tough decision for some parents (especially mothers). We can get so attached to our kids that we are unwilling to leave them for a minute, even if it's in the care of trusted ones like our parents. Trust me, I was once like this when I was a new parent. I would want to handle everything about the child myself, from bathing, feeding, sleeping, playing etc. And I will get really defensive when my parents or in-laws offer some help to babysit or give advice. After a while, I realize that I was draining myself out and turning into an irritable haggard. I figured that enough was enough and eventually allowed my in-laws to take over some aspects of caring for my child. It was until I learnt to let go that I discovered that I could actually feel happy and good about myself again. So, if your parents or in-laws are willing to lend a helping hand, (count yourself lucky first!) why not let them take care of your child for one evening? You will feel the liberation as you take time out to pamper yourself or spend some quality time with your spouse.

3. Schedule a date night with your spouse every week
   Many married couples, including myself, often fall into this trap of neglecting our spouse after the kids come along. Whether you admit it or not, when you experience fatigue from the constant waking at night or exhaustion from dealing with a cranky kid, the last thing you want to do is to talk or even get close with your spouse.
   From "baby I love you", "how's your day?" to "get me the diapers" or "can you just come and help me with the baby?" ... That's how our conversations may change to be. And if we are not careful, this kind of communicaton sets into permanent place and may slowly take the place of the romance and intimacy of our marriage.

This was the situation for me then, until one fine day, we decided that we had to change something - have a time-out from the children for a while every week. And so we decided to make Sunday evenings our date night. An evening with just us, no kids. (Again, I want to say I'm blessed to have my in-laws to help). In the precious 3 hours or so, we would have a nice dinner, catch up on each other's life, share our thoughts and also catch a movie. We have not looked back since. My hubby would tell you how happy he is to have his wife exclusively for that 3 hours.

1. Plan at least 1 couple-only holiday once a year.
   With the same reasons as above, I also feel it is important to get away from the kids and chill somewhere away from home. Really, the destination and duration do not matter as much as who you are with. Going for getaways overseas (Batam also counted) have allowed my hubby and myself to re-connected with each other and at the same time, rejuvenate ourselves from the hustle and bustle of work and kids. Of course, as the wife of a property agent, being overseas also means his handphone will stop ringing for a while and he talks only to me, instead of his clients or working partners.

Well, if you feel guilty about leaving your children back at home while you enjoy yourself, you can always plan a second holiday with the family. So, this has been our SOP for the last 2 years: 2 overseas holiday trips a year: one with kids and one without kids. This has worked really well for us and we even managed to influence some of our friends to do likewise.

1. Stay connected with your loved ones and friends (and God as well)
   The final point is, in my opinion, the most important. Many married couples tend to drift away from their family or friends when kids come along. Yes, the reasons are valid: "Kids are sick." "We can't stay late coz it's the kids' bedtime". "It's too far. My kids will get cranky on the long journey". "My kids need to sleep on their own bed" etc etc and the list goes on. Because of these reasons, we miss out on family dinners/ gatherings, stop visiting our elderly grandparents, stop meeting up with old friends, or stop attending church. I found that when we revolve our lives only around our kids, we miss out on other important roles we play, like being a daughter, a friend or even a minister at church. Our lives lose some balance and we feel a void somewhere.

The good thing for me is that my bunch of good friends are also parents with small children. So when we meet up, while the kids keep themselves entertained with one another, the adults also get to chat and catch up. I don't know about you, but good catching up (in church term, fellowship) makes my soul happy. Good friends are rare and friendship needs maintenance. And so, do make an effort to maintain that connection with family and friends. You will too, experience that difference.