The thought of ones own demise

I have had thoughts along these lines for very many years now, but last night, ( I wrote this 12/2/2010) when I was having another restless night, these thoughts came to mind again but with one main other thought. Why Now? by this i mean, of all the years that have passed, why am I here in this time? When I look back in history, I am somewhat glad that I was not around in them days, or was I? I can't remember, but saying that, is that the way things are to be, one has possibly lived in the past, but when reborn, all past is erased and one starts afresh.

I used to have what I call some kind of panic attacks when the thought of my own demise crossed my mind.

I saw darkness, and then found myself running for the nearest exite.

I have found myself standing outside my dwelling wondering what to do next, and would then start to calm down, and then carry on with what ever I was doing before.

Heart racing, trying to calm down takes a scary while at times, but I have learnt with every episode that it will soon pass.

Wish I knew what the triger was.