Something I wrote 5 years ago :)

“I often imagine myself being a person I dream to be; I picture myself in a vast conference room, with a huge number of important and non-important people, listening to me go hours and hours about how to change ourselves, change the world. I see myself standing all confident and sure, saying every word I ever felt my soul shocking with, finally saying what I think the world needs to hear … but what I love most about the dream isn’t me, but the people; how they are listening, and I get to see them nodding with agreement, how they believe in my words and finally understand … I picture my words changing brains and minds, changing hearts and adding to one’s knowledge... I picture making the world a better place... I picture more than just changing myself, but finally, truly changing the world... and then a wave of sadness fills me: I’m in reality and there’s no conference room and there are no people listening, just me, in my room, the walls are maybe listening, or maybe even they are tired of my worthless tries.

And I’m not changing the world … I’m not doing anything.
In fact, I’m even tired of using these words: “changing the world” is that even possible or attainable? what if there’s no way to it? and I’m hoping on shadows of empty promises I made myself? what if it’s just a great phrase to impress myself, to feel okay about my deeds? and every time I do wrong I tell myself how I hope to one day change the world, so I forgive myself and move on. what if that is how I use those words? and why I act to believe in them? I’m only fooling myself.

I’ve always wondered; what is it to truly try and change the world? do I have to go out running in the street and yell at people, like I’m some kind of a fool? or do I have to be a singer and sing about it ? or maybe I should write books about it ? or grow up to be a scientist and discover a great truth ? what is it ? and how do I do it ? .. until that one day; I was coming home from school, I was sad, very sad, nothing was going as hoped it would, I was feeling like I’m nothing, like I’m a burden to my own soul and my own body, everyday made me feel worse about myself than the one before. that day I came by a women, she had short dark hair, she wore a scarf but wore it in a messy way, she seemed nice, very nice, she looked up at me and she surprisingly said: “smile sweet heart, it’s just life (Dunya)”, I never saw that coming; a total stranger actually paying attention, caring, something that close ones didn’t do, at that moment it hit me ; that is what it means to help try and change the world , it’s the simplest things one can do to make it a better place , to revive the souls around him and give them a reason to do good , to remind them of the noble purpose for why they’re here , living , working , studying ..it’s to take advantage of every moment we get to do good to everyone around us , take up every second and be nice , share a beautiful phrase or say the right word at the right time , it’s smiling at a person when your eyes meet , or helping an old man walk in the streets .. it’s talking to say wise words and right facts… it’s in fact being a Muslim I dream to be … that I’m done dreaming to be, and trying to be. Because again; I must change the world. I must change.
and I tell myself that the women is a message from Allah, maybe the answer I was looking for, the sign to tell me that it’s time to start , that I shouldn’t wait until I grow up , or until I earn a certain amount of knowledge or some college degree .. that it’s never too early, and that it isn’t as hard as it seems, in fact it’s very simple and very easy.
I know how everyone is just as lost as I am , we grow up telling ourselves that we should wait , we watch the TV and it keeps telling us that there is no use of trying , that the world is too messed up to be changed , that it’s going too fast for us to reconsider where we’re at , so we might as well just give it up , they tell us that it’s pointless that the cancer has spread too deep into us to be cured , that our state is hopeless for a human interference , that the “game” is bigger than our small “powers” , that we’re just actors on a “bigger” plan that the “enemy” has planned , but even more they convince us that trying will get us in trouble , that it’s a waste of time and “sadly” it will get us nowhere … so we give up .. we feel bad, but we still give up, and again we choose not to be the exception, for being the exception is too risky, so instead we try to fit in, and we say that we’ll fit in just to go with the play, but we won’t change on the inside. and bit by bit, we forget that promise, and we begin to forget about what is inside and care for what is outside, now, chatting on Facebook makes most of the hours of our days , the other hours are spent eating or maybe watching a movie , we find ourselves going to school to please our parents , or in a better expression to avoid the trouble we will get in for not going , and we console ourselves with the “friends” we make …” to be continued 😊