The night is my enemy: Memories of her and me

in ocd-resteem •  last year
I get home after a long day of work, the only thing I want to do in this moment is prepare a drink loaded with caffeine to see if I can get some of my energy back, therefore I go to the kitchen to make coffee before anything else. I feel heavy, my head wants to explode; I only need some of that miraculous beverage so I can go to my room and finish this endless odyssey that is my day.

I can already smell the coffee, it’s almost done, but when our body is about to collapse minutes feel like days, this makes the wait seem much longer. Finally, it’s ready, I serve the coffee in a cup, and I blame the smell for what happens next. I close my eyes and enjoy the drink, that to me, it’s a gift from the gods to humanity.

Still with my eyes closed, I feel as if an arrow crossed my head and then I see her. This makes me remember that my endless day has nothing on the torture about to come. Afterwards I feel like a mixture of anger and melancholy is going through my body.

Another endless night, a battle is coming… The night has no mercy on anyone; it’s a cruel enemy that attacks with memories and questions with no answers. That’s what makes it so dangerous, because physical wounds are not the most painful, but the ones that kill you from the inside little by little.

After my coffee, I take a long shower, read the newspaper, and then I decide to enter my torture chamber. I open the door and I pray that this night I can finally close my eyes until sunrise, without being tormented by the ghosts in my mind. I repeat the same prayer every night ever since she’s gone, and I hope this time I can make it.

I watch my bed: a huge mattress with cotton blankets that are begging me to rest in them, but it’s only a cruel trap. I lay down, turn the TV on and it’s more of the same, then I start to feel sleepy, maybe tonight it will all be fine… I turn the TV off and close my eyes.

Suddenly that strange feeling of anger and melancholy comes back, but this time stronger as if it wants to end me, my heart races, my breathing rhythm increases, my bed is not that comfortable anymore, it seems like I’m resting in a bed of nails. A question comes to my mind: “Why?”. But I already know the answer, because my selfishness is the one responsible for this moment, I always do the same in order to remove this guilty feeling I have. Memories of her start to come like bullets, I remember her smile, her voice, her smell. More questions begin to come up: “Where is she?”, “Is she ok?” Worse than that, she has been gone for a long time and I never knew more about her: “Is she with someone else?” That last question makes me feel like somebody threw me a dagger to my heart. This room is not that big, but at this moment it’s like I’m in a huge desert, alone, and thirsty for her.

I look at the door, in the darkness a silhouette is drawn and it’s walking towards me, it’s her, but how is this possible? She’s back! I scream to myself. Joy overwhelms me, she walks towards me silently, takes my hand, looks directly into my eyes, smiles and then without saying a word she vanishes again in the darkness. The night attacked me with its worst weapon: dreams, only because I was exhausted and fell asleep. That’s how the night works, after deluding you with images that seem to end your worries; it wakes you up so you can remember that everything was an illusion, because your reality is completely different.

A friend sneaks through the window, it’s a ray of sunshine announcing that the night couldn’t defeat me, but it doesn’t end here. It’s just a small truce, until the sun rays start to disappear and the night is back with its endless tricks, and the worst part is that it has something in its favor: eternity. So it will wait patiently day by day, feeding from my pain until it can use it against me when I’m back.

This is how I start my day...


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