Of Judgment and Tapered Dick

Hello, I'm the Dick Pic Critic. I judge them so you don't have to.

Today's entry (and resulting critique) comes to us from Tumblr. For privacy reasons, the donor if this picture has requested anonymity. This, I can accept and respect. Doesn't mean I won't roast him for it. Because that's just how I roll.

Sweetie, if you're gonna send a dick pic and then request anonymity, you might wanna make sure you're not already friends with me on Facebook.

And now, for my favorite part of my little game: The Judging of The Dick!

So, by now, we all know how this works, yes? I get vehemently judgmental about a penis I'm never going to have a chance with. Well, that's just fine. I still got the picture. And here it is for the whole interwebs to see!!

Oh boy... Where to begin with this dick? First, let's go with the most obvious critique: GET YOUR HAND OFF IT! A good dick pic prerequisite is the ability to make your Junior Partner stand tall and proud WITHOUT having to hold it up.

Now, normally, I would congratulate him on having such a large penis he needed to hold it up, but damn dude... Get your hand off your dick.

Let's move on to another glaring flaw with this dick.

It's a little oddly shaped. Starting out with a lovely rounded tip then getting thicker is great. Makes the sex so much more pleasurable. But then it get's thinner and tapers off once you reach the base.

It's like a disappointing roller coaster. Starts out wonderful, and then it just has to go and ruin the ride. I can assume with confidence that this dick has left many women (and probably a few men) wanting when they got through.

I'm in no way judging his sexual prowess, but I don't know many people who would be okay with a dick that tapers off.

Give me a dick that makes me walk funny for a few days, and you'll have my perfect 10.

Here's an idea: Let's judge it some more!

The length is well above average and while it looks like it'd be fun to suck on for a few hours, I can't see myself coming back for seconds.

Excellent veins, though. I like seeing veins on a penis. They're so sensitive... Makes my job easier, really.

Some slight discoloration at the base of the shaft. I have a hard time thinking that's normal, but... I guess... You do you, boo-boo.

Ooh! More things to judge!

It's called "Set Dressing" and it matters. Clean up your damn room, boy. Ain't nobody wanna see a mildly disappointing dick AND a dirty room.

Gotta give the guy props for manscaping. He tried to make it look pretty, and he succeeded. It is pretty... But the tapering of his dick just turns me off too much.

Congratulations, my "man-gina" has literally never been drier.

Overall, I would say he gets a 7/10.

Not quite as delicious as I hoped, sadly. When I scrolled down in my message box to see it, I got really excited at first... But then I saw the tapering, my interest went from "Fuck YES!" to "Ew, why?"

This is The Dick Pic Critic, signing off.