Sailing

Opening Quote

Well it's not far back to sanity, at least it's not for me
And if the wind is right, you can sail away and find serenity
Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see
Believe me

• Christopher Cross (Sailing)

I thank my uncle Mack for allowing me to widen my musical experience.

He was instrumental (how about that for a pun?) in teaching me the value of soft rock and 80s music, which my friends commonly refer to as "white music."

We didn’t use it as a label regarding race, but as a slang topic to identify certain types of music.

Mack usually played this music on Saturday mornings as he cleaned the house and while the music played, I had no concept of time or how long it was going to take. I cleaned and I cleaned, grooving to the sounds of Chicago, Gino Vanelli, and many others.

I remember when he bought a new stereo and he played Sailing by Christopher Cross.

For some reason, this song bonded to my soul and I visualized myself sailing along, kinda like the kids on One Tree Hill, and warming my soul through the music and the splashing of the waves.

Ooh, the waves, crashing against the boat, slicing the air with thundering booms against the silence of the water everywhere.

The boat, rocking back and forth, tested the stability of my ankles and my balance.

Somehow, the water had a life of its own, scouring and looking for any defects in our boat.

Why does it need to get inside and spoil the fun?

Why does it loiter the lonely areas of the boat?

I understood at a young age that music has a powerful effect and I was going to gain that edge.

Through this song, I sailed in and out of my problems, only coming up for air when my lungs misfired.

Closing Quote

It's not far to never-never land, no reason to pretend
And if the wind is right, you can find the joy of innocence again
Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see
Believe me

• Christopher Cross (Sailing)

Don't Stop Believin'

Opening Quote

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

• Journey (Don't Stop Believin')

One of the added benefits of being a driver is that when I'm not driving, I get to fill in anywhere: from helping to volunteer, teaching, mentoring, preparing dinner, and interacting with the children.

I have fun helping to volunteer because I get a glimpse into my own soul.

Listening to the children speak about their problems and their concepts of the world, though it angers me, it comforts me knowing we are in the same boat (I know, a reference back to Sailing).

They speak so naively about the world because they are naïve.

As adults, we have years to perfect our mistakes and our prejudices, but these children are not aware of such foolish ideologies.

They speak with passion about issues we no longer acknowledge:

• the day's high and low points
• their fondest memories
• Friendship
• God
• why the world does as it does
• other meaningful subjects worth talking about

They speak with authority about many subjects, but I am amazed by their ability to question with such INNOCENCE.

Children ask not only with their lips, but with their souls.

Is God white?

Does God live in the sky?

I had fun at camp last year, should I go back again this year?

We could never have such conversations with other adults.

Why?

First of all, we've become too secretive and too selfish.

I mean all of us, including me, when I say this.

We've even created concepts to support our theories of secrecy; for example, we say that "we should keep it on the DL (down low).”

I have a funny feeling about keeping something hidden, especially when it deals with relating to the opposite sex.

Why should we KNOW others (biblically speaking) when we don't want to be seen with them.

My friend, Eddie Buggs, said it best when he proposed that "we should never sleep with someone we don't want to be seen with because if anyone ever finds out, we won't be ashamed."

And the sad part about this is that now women find this acceptable and even common behavior.

Women have boyfriends, yet they give away their numbers.

Hello, is anyone home?

If this isn't a hint in the wrong direction, but men continue on our journey of physical pleasures.

The only thing worse than this is that we now speak of the opposite sex and the pursuit of happiness and love as "a game.“

Yet, if you ask people what is most important in their lives, they will always choose love and family right after God and noble pursuits of truth and honor.

How can anything SO important to us be condemned to the status of a game?

The condition of dating, On the DL, and sex deals with breaking hearts, destroying homes, and corrupting innocence.

We speak so highly of impacting others, but we never speak of our impact on others on the negative end.

If we can inspire, we can degrade.

They say if you find a no-good woman, a no-good man made her that way and vice versa, but we continue on in our LOFTY pursuits.

As for technology, it creates the avenues for these hobbies to worsen.

The children are not born with these abilities, we teach them these abnormal behaviors through what we call "the old school," which translates into "the school of hard knocks."

How many knocks on an innocent soul does it take to harden it?

How many heartbreaks transform innocence of youth into vengeance?

A heart is in no way a chamber door, built for continued rapping and knocking, yet we act as if children will grow out of it.

I'm sure we know this, but children are PROMISED these silly ideals.

You'll grow out of it, we continually tell them, but some never do.

So when children are imprisoned or reproduce our actions, is it society's or our faults?

Either way, something or someone taught them this behavior and we (including society) create the conditions for them and then punish them for what they were taught.

Who sounds like the victim now?

Closing Quote

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

• Journey (Don't Stop Believin')

Time (Clock of the Heart)

Quote - Time (Clock of the Heart)

Oh, put your head on my shoulder
Sink me in a river of tears
This could be the best place yet
But you must overcome your fears

• Culture Club (Time (Clock of the Heart)

Time.

Though the 80s are long gone and dusted thoughts in my generation, I won't let go.

People today are caught up in this monotonous and specialized musical gap, that's what it is, a gap.

My friends laugh at me, but I'm telling you this, the 80s are coming back.

When, they always ask.

And my reply is the same as the song -

In Time.

Everyone is getting on board now, look at how P-Diddy brought back the Police (out of all the songs, he would pick the safest one), but it's going to take a little more motivation.

At least in the hearts of people.

The problems inherent in today's music, trying to speak the truth and not step on anyone's shoes (or Timberland boots since they've become standard issue everywhere), is finding the balance.

How much truth is too much?

How much entertainment is selling one's soul?

How much compromise poisons the artist's creativity?

And the best answer for these questions is the same as above.

In Time.

Now back to my favorite subject, the 80s.

I've been collecting 80s music for two decades now and I get the music from wherever I can find it (from late night commercials, from small town truck stops, and from random visits "daily" to Wherehouse Music -- where I work).

No matter how much music I get, there is never enough.

Like a clock in my heart, the music is the balance in my life.

When I'm alone and I've had a bad day, what do I do?

Most of my friends tell me I need to relax and take advantage of my free time.

That's what Sad people do.

As for me, I use my Time wisely.

I press play and Boy George and his band (my bad, for those who aren't familiar), the Culture Club, sing about the precious use of Time and its place in our lives.

And the concept of Boy George is a slick one.

Anyone with half a brain can easily see that he’s gay, but he had a great impact in the 80s.

How great you're asking?

Great enough to get heterosexual men to dress like him!

I reflect on this all the time and it's a funny thing -- men who love women dress up and imitate a man who loves men.

There is enough in that statement to speak for the influence and power of marketing, advertising, and the music industry.

And that's something people should never forget, it is an industry.

And the more I listen to this song, the more I realize that everything worth loving requires Time.

He says that "time makes lovers feel like they got something real," but time makes all things seem real.

If someone was given a million dollars, the initial shock would not dissipate for a while.

But the longer the person had the money, the more real the money would become.

I guess time is not only a standard and unit of measurement, it is a divider.

How do we know who we love and who we don't?

We know because of all the things connotated with Time.

We first begin by admitting that we must spend quality Time with this person.

Then, we think hard within ourselves and admit that we know love when we find ourselves thinking "all the time" about this person.

Many times, we find our hearts overjoyed and we shout out to the world that "it's about time."

These are the many things that the 80s brought to the world, a world painted with all spectrums and shades.

In the 80s, it wasn't about your color, your race, where you were from, or what type of music you performed.

All that mattered was that you created something wonderful.

Anything added to that is a lie and anything taken away is a vain attempt to butter up the 80s.

Why butter up something that doesn’t need it?

Closing Quote

But you and me, we know we got nothing but time
And time won't give me time

• Culture Club (Time (Clock of the Heart)

The Lady in my Life

Opening Quote

Just put your trust in my heart
And meet me in paradise, girl
You're every wonder in this world to me
A treasure time won't steal away

• Michael Jackson (The Lady in my Life)

Today was my birthday and honestly, it went faster than it came.

In the back of my mind I secretly wanted it to come, but when people asked about it, all I could say was that "I have one every year" or the usual "it's just another day" routine.

The truth was that, like all people, my birthday was a special day, not because of its peculiar qualities, but because it was a day I could decide who I would spend it with, who I would see, who would see me, and what I was going to do.

Work went fine and all, but as I sped across the streets of Atlanta to pick up Idris and DeMarcus, one question nudged itself in my mind over and over again -- why did I decide to go to work today of all days?

If I explained to my boss, she would have understood, but I can say the thought of not working never crossed my mind.

Idris boarded the bus in his usual fashion, a huge smile pressed between two fat cheeks, and sat down.

I peered back at him in the rear view mirror and again he smiled.

That seemed to be the biggest attribute of this young teenager, smiling, and I wondered whether he was trying to make up for all the others that didn't smile or was he genuinely happy?

After I picked up DeMarcus, I sped across 285 to go to Ray of Hope Baptist Church.

They were attending Bible Study and Idris asked where the other people were.

I told him they were the only ones and as quickly as he had asked the question, he began talking to DeMarcus about camp.

From what I could hear, camp had been a great experience for DeMarcus and when he finished, there were two things I remembered -- the female twins and the boys that he assumed to be gay. I mean, what was a teenager to think when white boys at camp talked about other guys and how "good" they looked?

Outside of that, he spoke about the twins, how they liked him, and how they chased him.

It was an incredible feeling, listening to this teen describe the highlights of the camp -- the party, dancing with the TWINS, bonding with Idris before they fell asleep, and other "teen" activities.

His zest to express the obvious made me realize it wasn't his story that was compelling, it was the innocence of his youth that embraced me.

I heard his story and relived those monumental events of my childhood that were painted in my mentality.

I still remember important events in my life clearly, almost like they happened a few moments ago -- losing my virginity, entering the Army, my grandmother's funeral, my high school graduation, buying my first car, leaving Korea, and my first girlfriend.

Oooh, how I remember those days!

I still can hear my girlfriend’s voice on the phone, telling me that it was over and no matter what I said, her mind was made up.

I dug deep in my music collection and I couldn't use Debarge to soften her (I had used it the other twelve times), so I played The Lady in my Life by Michael Jackson.

We listened to the words of the song, I still can feel the warmth of the phone against my head from talking to her for nearly four hours, and the silence.

As the song played, neither of us said anything.

We held the phone and just listened. Mike sang about the lady in his life and I sat silent with mine.

The silence soon left and it became another area that Mike's voice could fill.

Time never moved and before I awakened from the trance, the tape was hissing at its end.

I cleared my throat and though I wanted to say something, what could I say?

Mike had said everything and what could I do to strengthen those words.

When she spoke again, she told me about the good ole days when I visited her while her mother was at work.

We would go to her mother's bedroom and put on Debarge and let the music speak to us in ways that we could never voice. I smile now, knowing these were the kind of things that Idris and DeMarcus would go through.

How could someone convince them the first girl they met wasn't the one, she was a puppy love, and she would be forgotten in their search for true love?

Who would waste their time and energy trying to convince these boys the naked truth, untainted by care and concern for what they felt?

I still remember how I felt when my mother told me the same thing, yeah right I would tell her, and continue on.

I was certain that Sylvia was my godsend and now that I'm older, I can't believe I thought such stupid ideas.

Now that I look at many of the things I've done in my life, I look back and wonder how any different ideas or attitudes would have changed and shaped my world?

After Bible study, I stopped at Exxon to get some gas and as we left, I listened to B98.5 and The Police came on, singing "Every breath you take", and I noticed that DeMarcus' head was bobbing along with the music.

I turned the radio down, asked him about what kind of music he listened to, and he said "R&B, Gospel, a little Rap, and Soft Rock."

Soft rock, I screamed inside, what did this teenager know about the value of The Police?

I said nothing and very low, he began singing the words.

Talk about flipping a new coin, this guy had poisoned my concepts of teens and before I could say anything else, Idris agreed.

He said that he even listened to alternative, rock and roll, and other kinds of music.

I was so amused that I nearly laughed out loud, but that was something disturbing to them and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.

The key to "fitting in" with them was becoming one of them and that meant opening up to new ideas, new thoughts, and new concepts.

Closing Quote

And Baby through the years
Even when we're Old and Gray
I will love you more each day
Cause you will always be the Lady in my Life

• Michael Jackson (The Lady in my Life)

Steppin' Out

Opening Quote

We’re so tired of all the darkness in our lives
With no more angry words to say to come alive
Get into a car and drive to the other side

• Joe Jackson (Steppin’ Out)

Tonight is the night.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good about myself and I’m not ashamed of who I am, what I do, and most importantly, what I listen to.

For years, I’ve hidden my music at home and when friends ever did come over, I put the radio station on urban hits, hip hop, and R&B.

I didn’t want to feel out of place or an outcast.

I mean, without friends, what’s the purpose of living?

Anyway, that’s what the 80s was all about, hanging out with friends and having Kodak moments.

So, that's what I’m looking forward to this evening, a Kodak moment.

Who is she?

She’s the newest reason for living and the biggest burst of energy I’ve had my whole life.

Whenever I think of her, all these ideas come swarming out of my head and instead of letting them marinate, I capture them on paper and pin them on my wall.

I’m running out of space and the notes are reaching into my sacred area.

The poster.

My poster of the great 80s bands - REO Speedwagon, Journey, Foreigner, Chicago, Guns N Roses, Van Halen, REM, and many others, sits in the upper corner in the music area of my room.

You know I’ve set aside an entire area for the 80s, come on, I thought you knew me better than that?

Anyway, the notes are coming down because I couldn’t bear to think of covering my poster up.

Talk about blasphemy.

I can’t believe how fast this happened and why, but I’m not going to blow it.

I’m going to take my time and let things develop, just like the 80s.

Steppin’ Out just came on and that’s funny because that’s the way I’m feeling right now.

The short continued humming of the harmony coming in, the high- pitched bell sounds of the synthesizer, and the vocals capitalize the song.

That humming sound beneath the song, its continuity, and that’s how my heart feels right now.

It beats. And beats.

The bells feel like my flashes of emotion that hover around me and inside me.

They come and go and the only reassuring thing is that they’re going to keep coming and coming.

It feels good to be loved.

I have no reason to wonder what I’ll find tonight when I step out on the town.

Man, I can’t imagine the last time I took someone out. What am I going to wear?

Thank God I got my hair cut yesterday.

Let me see, should I go old school or wear the casual outfit, but that’s being safe and I’m not safe. Not hardly.

She’s everything I’ve looked for in a woman and to play it safe, that wouldn’t set the mood. It wouldn’t be me.

I’ll settle for some blue jeans, tennis shoes, and a cool t-shirt. I still want to fit in, but if I wore my Ugumby shirt they’d be hating.

They don’t know nothing about that anyway.

Tonight, we are steppin out.

What if I wore my Ocean Pacific shirt?

Polo?

Izod?

Naw, I can’t go out like that, they definitely would be peeping me.

We’re young and getting old before our time.

Man, it’s hard to believe those songs put such deep lyrics in them. And he’s right.

Look how fast the children are growing up today: computers, the internet, e-commerce, and many other things blast the children’s childhood away.

And what do they have left?

Classmates.com and other sites try to bring back the good old days, but you can’t remember what never happened or what you never had time for.

Sad, children don’t get to experience life like we did in the 80s.

The way the world was one back then, the way everything was colorless.

I miss those nights at home, eating popcorn and all the candy bars from the store, watching Nighttracks.

Every Friday night, I wasn’t out roller skating at Jellybeans or hanging out at the Rialto. None of that.

I was watching Nighttracks. I admit it, I was obsessed with videos and the video revolution.

Like the song says, video killed the radio star, and it did.

Completely.

The videos today are boring and derivative regurgitated low-budget remakes of Michael Jackson’s powerful videos, and of course, they started in the 80s and that’s when he became the legend. In the 80s.

Old school is where it’s at.

I remember the animation and real-life video combination of Take on me by A-ha.

Don’t you just love that video?

The way the woman and the man are in different worlds, but somehow, their love and feelings for each other allow them to overcome those barriers.

The videos back then even had messages, imagine that?

Their love overcame their barriers and if a cartoon and a human could get together, why can’t we all just get along in the same world?

That’s what I miss the most about the 80s.

Music and unity.

No one cared what color or race you were, as long as you had good music, then you were in.

Period.

None of this craziness about who lives with you, who’s wearing what, and none of that foolishness.

Of course we had trends, but they weren’t standards.

They were options.

The standard during the 80s was being yourself and being different.

You can say the more different you dressed, the more you became part of the 80s.

We wore Generra collection pants and bugle boy, but the best part were the buttons.

Oh my god, you weren’t down if you didn’t have some kind of button on your denim jacket or whatever jacket you wore.

Members only.

Sebagos.

Dockers.

Jordache jeans.

Christian Dior jeans.

Polo shirts with matching polo socks.

More than a fever and more than a fad, the 80s brought new life and vigor to everything: violence, clothing, and music.

We weren’t fighting in the 80s; we were break- dancing.

If we had problems with someone else, we danced over it and whoever won, they won.

The party went on.

Now, if someone loses a fight, the party’s over because someone’s going to the trunk and get a gun.

The best thing about parties were the songs.

Everyone had a song and you couldn’t just get up and use someone else’s song, that was lame.

Yes, we were using the words they use today, in fact, many of the words we used are still in use today.

Another factor to consider about the impact of living in the 80s.

Man, going through this closet gave me some wonderful thoughts, but it’s almost time to get out of here.

I’ll leave Steppin’

Out on repeat, so when I get home I’ll think back to this moment.

There’s nothing like going out on a great date, listening to 80s music, and loving every minute of it.

I thank Joe Jackson for his song and after brushing my teeth, it’s off into the streets of Atlanta.

Tonight, I’m Steppin’ Out into the night.

Into the night.

Closing Quote

We are young, but getting old before our time
We'll leave the T.V. and the radio behind
Don't you wonder what we'll find?

• Joe Jackson (Steppin’ Out)

Synchronicity II

Opening Quote

Another industrial ugly morning
The factory belches filth into the sky
He walks unhindered through the picket lines today
He doesn't think to wonder why

• The Police (Synchronicity II)

The best thing about working in corporate America was security.

The worst thing was (hands down) the money. For some reason, the idea of working for a large corporation convinced me the slaving hours were worth it.

I went to work with a religious zealousness, an uncompromising focus that outweighed the questions that hung from the rafters of my mind like those Laker NBA title banners.

Why you working for a company that doesn't care about you?

Why you slaving for money?

If you get fired, what will you have to show for it?

How will you benefit from working here?

These are the questions that plagued me as I worked twelve-hour shifts, and though the answers came later, the questions held me fast the entire time.

The funny thing was that I learned a simple truth -- learning was not always about knowing what to do, but what NOT to do.

What shouldn't I do, you may ask yourself?

The answer is work for corporate America and this is not an attack on the system, but an affirmation of being true to myself.

Corporate America isn't for me (period).

I slaved on twelve hour shifts and life took terrible turns for the worst - time management.

When I had my car, it was bearable.

I could leave work and make it home in enough time to work on my scripts and books.

I worked for the intangibles: bills, movie-going, audio CDs, computer software, and writing utensils (Writer's Digest magazines, books, screenwriting software, etc).

I wondered had I become a citizen, which means I am either a slave (someone that doesn’t question the system) or a zombie (someone that doesn't necessarily agree with the system, but does nothing about it).

Either route disappointed me and as much as I hate to admit it, I was a hard working zombie.

Every night, I awoke from my deathly slumber and drove to work.

I had to be there at the same time every night.

I had to work in the same area every night.

I did the same type of work every night.

I worked with the same people every night.

Notice that in the all those sentences, the words "same" and "every night" are the common bond between them. Now think about those words.

Same.

Every night.

It was inevitable, a truth of habit that my limbs would no longer serve me, but my employer.

My nights were devoted to this corporation and though the questions commanded my attention, they held no sway over the corporation.

It never budged, it never compromised, and even when it was wrong, it never promised to improve.

It was prison with spiritual blinders that had stingers.

If for a moment, I decided to consider other options or other ways of living, it stung me.

The scary thing was that the stingers were everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

They could change shapes, so I never knew what they were or where they came from.

The only power I had against them was consistent, but it had bad timing.

The power was "hindsight" and though it was comforting, it was very aggravating and annoying.

The best thing for me was to shut my eyes to the truth of my situation and open my ears to the corporation.

In this zombified state, I was an invaluable asset to the corporation.

However, the stingers never stopped, they only slowed down.

Their frequency was relative to my questioning; the longer, the worse; and the more, the painful.

It was incredible that I delegated myself so low, still more incredible is that people are still there slaving to make ends meet.

The sad thing is that those ends never meet.

You did what the corporation wanted or you left.

Your ends were small flickers that disappeared when you opened the employee entrance door and when that door closed, you were left with two ends to process - the end of your life or the end of your day.

The condition of being a zombie gave the corporation the power to convince us that without this job, we would die and the ironic thing is that zombies are already dead.

Therefore, we were working on our second deaths and our salvation lay in being "born again."

Closing Quote

Another working day has ended
Only the rush hour hell to face
Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes
Contestants in a suicidal race

• The Police (Synchronicity II)

Black Butterfly

Opening Quote

Morning light, silken dream to flight
As the darkness gave way to dawn
You've survived, now your moment has arrived
Now your dream has finally been born

• Deniece Williams (Black Butterfly)

I thought spending time with children was going to be fun.

Though it was a great experience to be giving back to the community and to be paid for it, the underlying things always moved me.

The money.

The experience.

The time.

It was the sacrifice that was required of me and the other adults to be there for the children through thick and thin, lying and cheating, and other ways they expressed the lack of love being nurtured in their lives.

When I arrived, I had no idea where to start or where to go from there, so I felt my way through.

The children spent a lot of time playing and wrestling, imitating their heroes, and many other activities.

One child stood proud, all 5'2 inches of him, mimicking the wrestler called "THE ROCK."

He spoke in the wrestler's tone and gave the idea that he really was The Rock, and though we couldn't understand the resemblance, we should just accept what he said.

It was amusing, but at the same time, it was powerful.

The children's imagination was so real that at times my mind raced from Egypt to India to America to Brazil and before you know it, I was at home in Atlanta.

As I listened, I realized these kids were not problem kids as they were labeled, but the problem was that people had given up on them.

They needed love much more than the regular students and with no one to give it to them, they realized that love could be earned.

It is this earning that led to a competitive edge and that led to self achievement.

With this achievement, the children could mold, bend, and shape their realities to whatever they liked.

Many times, this is what they did.

Closing Quote

Black Butterfly, sail across the waters
Tell your sons and daughters
What the struggle brings

• Deniece Williams (Black Butterfly)

Take Me Home

Opening Quote

Seems so long I've been waiting
Still don't know what for
There's no point escaping
I don't worry anymore
I can't come out to find you
I don't like to go outside
They can't turn off my feelings
Like they're turning off a light
But I, I don't mind

• Phil Collins (No Jacket Required)

Who knows what really goes on the heads of these children?

I mean, we sit idly by, judging them (but that’s not what we call it), wondering how they could be the way they are, when our parents questioned us the same way?

These are the kind of things, the liberties of life, that push me to wonder how we ever through childhood alive.

Even now, if I think about all the times I disobeyed and never listened, deep down inside (even now), I wonder how I made it?

Considering the world these children encounter at such a young age, they are virtually bred now and not born. The weeding-out process is much more complex than my childhood and I’m sure that these children after these will be even worse. Isn’t that an ironic part of life though?

You want to have children to continue the bloodline and your legacy, but why would you want to subject a child to a world like this?

Somehow, there is meaning in this cycle of life and though I may never understand it, I will always accept it.

What can be said about the children when they try to become adults too fast? I’m sure there are voices dwelling in them, telling them to reach out to the adults, but we are so hating of them that we never even listen, much less pay attention.

I know as an adult, I agree totally, that the children are wrong and are headed in the wrong direction, but who are we to say what is wrong or right?

I am certain that as time continues, we will one day see that they’re going in the same direction as we, but not taking the same road. People forget that we were born in a different time and that makes a big difference.

Times were different back then, we could have sex and just get crabs.

Now, children can have sex and DIE!

That is a serious thing to consider in this crazy world we live in now.

Closing Quote

I've got no far horizons
I don't wish upon a star
They don't think that I listen
Oh but I know who they are

• Phil Collins (No Jacket Required)

Rocketown

Opening Quote

There came a certain man
A stranger to the crowd
We didn't understand
What he was all about
He walked a different pace
So out of place in Rocketown

• Michael W. Smith (Rocketown)

There is relief knowing that one has helped another, an inner gratitude that spews forth anti-oxidants of love and lodges them in the bone marrow of one's spiritual skeleton.

It is this relief, coupled with the infectious need to find my way, that drives me to remain here at this non-profit organization.

Though money does not abound, my soul sails on the wings of the children's smiles and accomplishments.

When I weigh both options, three glasses of soul juice is far more important than three pitchers of financial cider.

In fact, the cider leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, an awful after taste that takes hours of gargling salt water to rinse it away. Many of my friends have adjusted to the taste and like all addictions, it requires more potency.

To quench their thirst, they consume America's drink, the capitalist soft drink called GREED, a frigid blend of selfish vitamins, corrupt herbs, and insatiable juices of iniquity.

For some reason, my friends no longer view the world as they did.

They think more money equates to more worth and suddenly, my friends become glimpses and flashes of calloused American citizens. I see them every now and then, driving in expensive vehicles, smiling from their pockets, intoxicated on GREED. Its stench pollutes the fresh air of the highway and I speed to relieve my flared nostrils.

The children always ask me if I am late for a date or something, but I can never tell them the truth. I am not late, but rather early. I am convinced if the world blurs past, they won’t smell GREED.

Their untrained nostrils may crave its scent and after sipping it, how many of them will be zombied?

Every time I arrive at one of their homes and the van stops, I put the van in park and turn around.

Their youthful faces sparkle with love and just before they get off, there is our moment.

I do not allow them to leave without our moment.

Are they aware of this moment, of course not.

Why?

It is a moment that I've created and it’s done more for me than one hundred hours of overtime in corporate America.

This moment I speak of, it happens so fast that before I realize it, my eyes are on the road again.

What is this moment?

It is when the child's eyes find mine and knowing that someone cares, the child smiles and though it is well into the evening, a brilliant light fills the van and my soul.

This is one of the benefits of being a driver for a non-profit organization for underprivileged children - - it is an intoxicating aromatherapy that I experience every day, if not in reality, then in my mind.

Those smiling faces burn an image into my conscience and it will never fade.

It will never blemish.

It will never leave.

For like the soul that God has given me, it too is eternal.

Closing Quote

Some didn't like him near
Some laughed and turned away
But me, I longed to hear
All that he had to say
He had a peace of mind
I couldn't find in Rocketown
And when I reached down inside me
I could feel the emptiness

• Michael W. Smith (Rocketown)

When The Children Cry

Opening Quote

What have we become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

• White Lion (When The Children Cry)

For years, people told me about children, about how they work your every nerve, about how they ask questions you couldn't dream of imagining (much less asking), and all the other crazy things that come with growing up in today's world -- Pokemon, Pop-up Video, Wrestling, Rap music, the internet, e*trade, blockbuster science fiction films like The Matrix, apocalyptic/dramatic video games like Parasite Eve, and other facets of the information age.

I'm telling you, these kids are in the ride of a lifetime, they've come into a world where what you know is still not as good as who you know, but it can get you in the door.

Sometimes, the old adage of who you know works, but can it keep you in the same job for a career?

The answer varies, but if your friend owns the company, then that's another point altogether.

What can I say?

I grew up in a time when the most exciting thing for a teenage boy was going to play basketball, play Atari 2600, or sneak a peek at a disgruntled and incomprehensible signal of The Playboy Channel.

A lot of guys, if you asked them, would deny this fact of our childhood, but I have no reason to hide it. I was a child and I did childish things, and one of those things was trying to watch The Playboy Channel.

That wasn't the stupidest part, it was the fact that you could coax your friends to come in the house and watch it with you.

Now, picture the scenario -- a bunch of hormonally driven young black men watching a garbled screen filled with criss-crossing colors and contrasting images that confused and sometimes hurt the uninitiated eye.

But to our trained eyes, the lines in the screen became a backdrop to the split seconds of seeing naked female bodies.

What was the purpose?

We really didn't know, all we knew was that we all had an urge to see any part of a woman naked, preferably the breasts.

I don't know if this fantasy came from being breast fed, but it swam through our minds like blood cells and no matter how much we thought it about it, it was never enough.

We would talk about it with our friends, but we wouldn't really tell one another what we were really thinking -- we all wanted to see them for real and not on television.

Before we could approach the truth, the conversations turned to arguments about who was the best at what, who had the most beautiful girlfriend (it seems funny now because none of us had a girlfriend), or talk about who wasn't the best.

As for the girlfriend issue, it's amazing how as teenagers we claimed our women like they were up for auction on Yahoo, Google, or Netscape.

The sad part was that the others never questioned, they obliged, and confirmed the fascinating accusation.

This was a bit different from the world of today's teenagers where they can browse the net and find naked pictures of women, find bootleg porno tapes like they find kool-aid, and find adult subjects on television and in movies.

If all this failed, all they needed to do was watch videos. Many videos today confuse the concepts of censored and uncensored, blurring the line between nudity and freedom.

As a teenager, the video games were a lot better back then.

Many people, when hearing this, will simply toss this book aside and never think about it again.

Like they say, there's a sucker born every minute and like christians, suckers are born again all the time.

I can remember when I played Ms. Pac-Man when I reached my all time high score of 315,000.

I thought I had done a really great thing and there was a feeling of accomplishment that I got out of doing that.

Watch a kid playing a game today and though the feeling of accomplishment may come, it lingers off in a corner as quickly as their fingers press buttons on the Sega Dreamcast.

Back in the day, the purpose of playing games wasn't to win because you could never win.

What was the end of Ms. Pac-Man?

There wasn't an end and that was an ingenious scheme, but the focus was taken from the game and placed on the person playing the game.

You knew when you dropped the quarter (back then all games only needed one quarter, now some games require as many as eight) in the slot that you couldn't beat the game.

Your purpose was to beat yourself.

With this in mind, teens attacked the game rooms with a fervent zest matched by adults today trying to figure out what's wrong with the kids today.

Their eyes blazed as Pac-man cut corners, evading the deadly ghosts of the game.

One of the biggest problems with the video games of today are these books with all the codes and hints inside.

We didn't have a book at first (there was eventually a book created with the codes for Pac- man and other games, but how long did you think honest business could compete with capitalism?), so we had to figure out how to improve by building our skills.

Today, a kid can go buy a book and figure out how to beat the game.

What good is buying a game when you're given the answers to defeat it? Of course this is silly, but it isn't silly when it makes money (again the power of capitalism).

To leave the subject quickly, I went to get some gas the other day and I saw two black teenagers gawking over a magazine with a white boy on the cover.

I have to admit I wanted to know what was so interesting, so I walked slowly past them and peered over.

Can you believe they were reading a magazine dedicated to people "getting high"?

There must be a contradiction somewhere because I thought marijuana was illegal and how is there a magazine for an illegal substance?

Isn't that almost like advocating "equal right" for this substance to be used, smoked, and acquired?

As of now, no one has anything to say. Let's wait until they get a magazine for the cause of cannibalism or just killing people, we'll see how much America cares about its advocation for freedom.

Now back to the video games.

You have kids being given the answers, so that translates subliminally into the answers to any test can be given if someone has the money or if someone knows the right people to be given the answers.

Why should kids go through all the trouble of taking tests when the answers can be readily provided?

Mr. Banks, this is not teaching the kids to study, this is not teaching them to be responsible.

Yet, the video games purport this behavior, but no one says a word.

And the saddest part of this issue is I believe, by the statistics, the authorities know that kids spend more time with video games than with homework.

It is a sad statistic, I know, but what can you say about a country that sells tobacco, knows the effects of smoking on people and on the environment, but continues to sell them because it makes money.

I guess when we're short of air, they know a special place where we'll be able to go buy some?

Closing Quote

Little Child
You must show the way
To a better day
For all the young
'Cause you were born
For the world to see
That we all can live in light and peace

• White Lion (When The Children Cry)

Hands to Heaven

Opening Quote

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we’ll be back together someday

• Breathe

The search for true love has led me to find her, the source and inspiration of my life.

Outside of my love for 80s music, she has been the driving force of my website, my cartoons, and my life.

My mother kids me about coming home and cleaning my room without her antagonizing or joking, but I smile and continue cleaning.

What if she came by and my room wasn’t clean and it gave a bad impression?

I couldn’t handle such a moment, so I’m always prepared for her arrival, lest it be her departure.

Yet, all the love and warmth I brought to the relationship wasn’t enough, I think I may even spoiled her.

I lived at a very high level of life and as she became accustomed, I’m guessing it was boring from that point on.

She told me about her dreams and all the things she wanted to do, but she never told me what she thought about the present.

We always talked about the future and where we were going, but we were wrapped up in what would be and not what was our relationship dwindled from happy go lucky conversation to occasional messages on email.

Her words in her emails were always angry, bitter, and detached. If you didn’t know either of us, you’d think it was a chain letter forwarded to my address, that’s how indiscreet her tone became.

I tried calling her about it, but she didn’t accept any of my messages. I’m busy, I’ll call you back (which was my favorite one), or she wasn’t home. After all the time we spent, I knew her schedule and I knew when she was home.

If there’s one thing I can say about her, she was a routine and she was going to be where she should’ve been.

From work to Run N Shoot to the spaghetti factory to Liquids, her schedule was more sturdy than concrete blocks.

She was on time all the time, but our relationship lacked a spiritual bond between us.

She went to New Birth holy church, but she never spoke or even discussed the bible.

It was more recreational than practical and from there it was all downhill.

She occasionally asked me to go to church, but she always asked me when I had to work.

Funny thing huh?

Our conflicting schedules never made for easy decisions and soon, our decisions boiled themselves down to mini- dramatizations of a famous childhood.

We argued not because someone was wrong or right, we argued because there was something to debate.

We went so long without talking that we preferred to talk idiocy rather than make friendly conversation and talk like rational adults.

I don’t remember where we split, but it was a gradual invisible hole that chewed on my soul.

It slowly consumed the weight of my decisions and I soon let my body react to these inadequate communications.

Closing Quote

I can’t believe this pain is driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

• Breathe

Two Occasions

Opening Quote

A summer love is beautiful, but it's not enough to satisfy
Emotions that are shared between us
A winter love is cozy, but I need so much more
It just intensifies my wants to have a love that endures

• The Deele (Two Occasions)

As I watch the children, I think back on my younger days and wonder when I lost my innocence?

Was it during my high school years when the pursuit of women was a lofty concern?

Was it during my military duty in Korea when women were purchased in the clubs at night like alcohol?

Was it after I lost my virginity?

Now that I think back, the process of losing one's innocence is not one isolated event, but a chain of events that slowly ate away and eventually mildewed the purity of one's soul.

Sitting here in the driver's seat, peering into the rear view mirror at their innocent faces, how could I tell them even that part of them would be taken away from them?

Who has the heart to tell these children that their innocence will be taken from them, and if they fought against it, sped the process and made it permanent?

I am not the one to be burdened by such conditions, so I smile and drive the van

As the van covers the streets of Metropolitan Atlanta, the younger children's eyes dart back and forth across the scenic view.

Their heads look right and left several times, absorbing the colorful surroundings of buildings, speeding cars, pine trees, and newly-built apartment complexes.

Sometimes they may look longer than usual at anything out of the ordinary and for a few seconds, their eyes are locked in.

No sounds can distract them at this point and to test my point, I usually turn up the radio.

Whether it is the Hotboys or local talent, their eyes remain steadfast.

On a quiet evening like tonight, I drive along and think about my later engagement with Run N Shoot.

What is Run N Shoot?

Well, since you've never been to Atlanta, I'll let you slide, but the next time someone asks you, you'll know.

Run N Shoot is a 24 hour gym with seven basketball courts, weight room, aerobics room, barber shop, health store, sauna, locker rooms, and many other great things.

The others don't matter cause all I do is hoop (play basketball) and since I'm on this side of town already, I just bring a packed bag and ride out. I usually get there a little after 10 and I stay until 3.

After that, I may go out to eat at the Waffle House and hang out with my friends. We have a lotta fun, but the best thing is playing the game.

Like these children, I still have the fire of the game in my spirit and as long as I am able to play, I will shoot the 3 point shot until I can no longer do it.

Even then, I'll compensate with something else.

I listen to the children's conversations and they talk about the things I talked about as a child (the opposite sex).

Most of their comments and advice have been from another point of view, but their basis rests on the opposite sex and making it out with someone.

Closing Quote

Cause every time I close my eyes, I think of you
And no matter what the season nears
I still love you with all my heart
And I wanna be with you, wherever you are

• The Deele (Two Occasions)

Don’t Be Cruel

Opening Quote

Girl, I work so hard for you from nine to five
So you could have the finer things in life
Since you’re the kind that’s never satisfied

• Bobby Brown (Don’t Be Cruel)

The movies are getting ridiculous now, these low-budget remakes of 80s movies.

What was American Pie, but a new updated version of Porky’s and Fast times at Ridgemont High?

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but people must give credit where credit is due.

And we must acknowledge the 80s.

Dude, where’s my car was not so good, but I enjoyed because I’m a positive person and I didn’t look at what they did, I looked at where they were going.

That’s how everyone should look at movies, but ain’t nothing wrong with dreaming, right?

The best of the modern movies has to be, hands down, The Matrix. I mean, come on, it was the first, excuse me, the second time graphics, the story, and the message all blended into one harmonious whole in the world of science fiction.

When was the first time?

Of course, it was in the 80s and it was a small film called DUNE.

Oh my god, the things I could say about the film would take years and for the sake of time, I’ll be cordial.

Dune was packed with power, messages, quotes, and all the wonderful things that a great film does for the public.

It touched on several subjects and areas, but in reality, it touched on much more.

Dune was way before its time and the book was written back in the 60s, ain’t that some shit?

Anyway, the idea of prophecy and the savior and the messiah, all these elements blended well into the film, because again, it was science fiction, and with that title placed in front of the film, the biased religious people in our society seemingly dispel their beliefs and follow the story along in accordance.

I pity the fool who’s never seen DUNE. They definitely have a spiritual wound in their lives that time won’t heal.

Paul is the savior (haven’t you heard this name somewhere before?) and he finds his true self after joining the fremen (doesn’t this sound like free men?) in the desert.

People living and roaming in the desert, I mean, this isn’t new.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned Dune is because The Matrix is a modern day dune, a little more technologically advanced and all that, but in essence, the same movies.

Closing Quote

We used to hang out tough, just kickin’ around
We discovered a love that had never been found
You gave me your heart, I gave you my mind
But a true love affair we could never find

• Bobby Brown (Don’t Be Cruel)

Where do we go from here

Opening Quote

There comes a time when love can fade away
And it came across for you and I
And I don't know how or where to go from here
I really don't know just what to do, so baby can you tell me
Where do we go from here

• Stacy Lattisaw and Johnny Gill (Where do we go from here)

As I sat down to eat, I thought about her.

It’d been a week, but it was much longer than that.

She was something that I didn’t believe in, she was the one.

No matter how much I tried to convince myself that she wasn’t, I couldn’t cope with the reality that I’d never see her again.

Yes, she returned my calls and we talked, but I was the only one talking.

She answered my questions and that wasn’t conversation, that was exterior monologue.

I turned on V103 and listened to what the station could give me tonight.

I had played my 80s music to death and I needed a break and as much as I fought the urge, I turned the station to B98.5.

A female caller called in and explained how much she loved her man and though they were mad at one another, she needed another chance.

She knew how bad he felt and with another chance, she’d make it up to him.

I felt a kindred spirit with this woman and how I wished she would call me and tell me these things.

I held the phone and listened and I checked the caller ID, but her number wasn’t there. It never was.

What could I do to get her back?

As REO Speedwagon sang about keeping love, I looked around my room and smiled at the wonderful things I’d done since I found myself as my mother called it.

She said when a person tapped into himself, there was nothing they couldn’t do.

I didn’t believe her before, but now that I was stuck with a problem I couldn’t solve, I forced myself to believe it as biblical truth.

If I could do anything, then I could get her back, but how?

I could take the sad route and tell her how I felt, but she was a different kind of woman, that wouldn’t work.

She’d curse me out and tell me to at least keep my dignity, but she couldn’t understand what I was going through.

The music, as much as I loved it, held no solace or comfort for me.

I didn’t want to browse the internet, I didn’t want to listen to 80s music, hell, I didn’t even want to watch a movie.

I wanted to do nothing because without her, the life I’d enjoyed was a dulled and boring shadow of the happiness I experienced with her.

What if she didn’t love me? The thought seeped into my pores and breathed throughout my body, washing away my feelings with an uncanny and unwelcome emotion.

Regret.

Had I missed my chance to become my best, the chance that my mother said came only once?

If I had missed my turn, then what would be the reason to go on living.

Why not save myself the years of misery and kill myself now?

I wondered if she’d care, what if I did shoot myself to show her how much and how intensely I loved her?

I could never tell her how I felt because whenever I said something.

I bottled it up inside the words and limited its meaning.

With the unlimited and cosmic feelings I had for her, it was impossible to say how I felt.

At best, I could say a parable or find an image to describe the intensity of what I was experiencing.

I chewed my Garden burger and let its taste pulsate throughout my mouth.

The overpowering sting of garlic dominated as composite tastes of pinto beans and the aftertaste of lemonade swished together between chews.

The only reason I bought garden burgers was because she was a health nut and she got me hooked on being healthy tip.

She took me from chocolate to carob and from Coke to carrot juice, which wasn’t too bad.

I swallowed my food and relaxed, thinking how much of my life she had changed and influenced.

My monitor’s screen saver was now images of the characters of One Tree Hill.

The Whole Gang.

Lucas, Peyton, Mouth, Brooke, Nathan!

Her favorite show.

Two Police CDs sat on my bed, still wrapped in plastic.

Her favorite group.

Two Blockbuster movies, Jerry Maguire and Sixteen Candles, were on top of my VCR. Again, her two favorite movies in the whole world.

I sipped my Zen Blend Sobe drink and held it up to the light. Ginseng, Gotu kola, incense, cat’s claw, all these things and this entire make-over for me was her influence and it felt really great.

Since using herbs, I was having a wonderful time at work and I still had enough energy to hang out all night with her, talking about 80s music and how much the world needed to go back to those good old days.

She loved my enthusiasm, but she told me that though she loved the 80s too, I had to accept the 80s was gone and would never come back.

Was I mad, hell yes, but that’s what love does to a man, it calms him in his time of anger.

Before then, I would’ve walked away and never spoke to her again.

How dare her speak ill of the 80s and not be punished for it?

But I let her slide because. . .

Well. . .

I love her!

And that’s the end-all be-all of my life at this point.

She’s the reason to LIVE and the reason to BREATHE!

Closing Quote

Oh my love, now there was a time when I thought I knew you well
That's when we were young and satisfied
Now I don't know what or how to go about it
Shall we take the chance and patch it up
Or just leave it for a million years

• Stacy Lattisaw and Johnny Gill (Where do we go from here)