MY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT by @topkpop: The #nocomfortzone Challenge
MY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT by @topkpop:
The #nocomfortzone Challenge
Ha, man I really had to think about what my #nocomfortzone was!
Which actually is crazy given my life.
Why you wonder?
I don’t dwell on bad things!
In my life I’ve been through a lot of struggle.
It was not only my health from early age on, but physical pain & heartbreak as well. I really had my fair share of it all.
I know, if I hadn’t gotten out of my comfort-zone into a non-comfort-zone & push through it, I would not be here anymore!
I honestly don’t know where this resilience comes from, that is just how it is.
Luckily I am able to adapt quickly, which is pure necessity.
I’ve been told many times to write down my life & experiences I made, to tell how I dealt with them.
It is a goal of mine to do so & I guess with writing this I am already getting a step closer.
I just realized, recently, why I have started but never pursued so many times… I am not ready.
I am not ready to have it all in front of me.
Writing this right at this moment, still thinking about where to begin, what to share, a rock in my stomach is forming & I am getting sweaty palms.
I honestly don’t know how far I will be able to take this.
I do not like to open the door to this world of sadness/ fear inside me, I am aware they are there, I choose to look ahead with happiness though.
ლ(╹◡╹ლ)
I am still this young child at heart in a way, even a little naive at times.
I believe in honesty & kindness first & foremost.
You need to understand, I rather have someone point out something I am doing wrong, instead of letting me wander along in ignorance, doing something in a false manner making a fool of myself or worse, harming someone ( maybe even myself ) because of it.
Sure I probably would be like… whaaat, how dare thee … ( that was the Ego screamin, lol )
Only for the first moment though, hehe.
I learned & constantly am learning, to deal fairly with situations like that, when they arise.
I try to take a step back, let it sink, check all perspectives ( again ), then appreciate the well-willed honesty wholeheartedly!
The truth isn’t always an easy chunk to swallow though, yet I long for & appreciate it.
Not everybody is like that, some don’t have the strength, but most just need their Egos stroked.
I have to know what I am dealing with & feel the need let people know who they are dealing with.
I had to learn how to wrap my honesty in a more tactful, less direct way.
Believe me when I say, I am never rude on purpose, my intentions are pure, it just doesn’t come out the way I want it to sometimes.
Wearing your heart on your tongue isn’t always a gift.
I can’t be any different, I tried.
I have to be honest & find, everybody deserves honesty, starting with ones-self.
It’s troublesome to me when I can’t find a way to communicate in that manner.
Small talk & superficialness are a real hassle for me, I need to connect on some level.
Sadly in my life, not by choice, I was surrounded by shallow, ego-driven, dishonest people that tended to not agree with my character.
My sister constantly ratted me out, saying she wanted to help me… ahahaha sure.
I on the other hand drove my parents, later only my mom ( dad abandoned us ), crazy with not speaking a word, when trying to get info from me.
This sister, just told me last year how proud she was of me, always staying true to myself.
She came to the conclusion it couldn’t have been easy.
It really wasn’t & still isn’t always, but that’s not my motivation.
I was grounded & physically put in place a lot by my mom. She constantly told me, I was like my dad.
I would get punished for not complying ( not snitching ), being to curious, not being satisfied with an answer & being to honest.
I didn’t hold up the mirror to judge, I wanted everyone ( including me ) to self reflect, it wasn’t perceived that way.
I got kicked out of the house with 17 & was sent to live with my father in Tennessee, whom I hadn’t seen in almost 8 years.
I spent my 18th birthday alone.
My stepmother was giving my dad a hard time about me being there & created a big drama.
I am jumping ahead here to tell you.....
.... there was a time I had thought to have found my counterpart.
I believed so strongly in my naive way, I did something I never wanted to do, I married him.
This was another, you should always listen to your inner voice kind of moments.
Blued eyed as I was I trusted his words & assurance, that for him honesty was the foundation of all as well.
I always believed marriage to be unnecessary, the commitment is in your mind & heart, not on a piece of paper or a ring.
We were together 15 years, married 11.
In this relationship the self-doubt that was seeded when I was a child started to grow.
I couldn’t or didn’t want to see it back then, he was jealous, controlling & very manipulative
I gave up my career, my own bank account, my home & friends in Germany to follow him to Okinawa.
Don’t get my wrong, it was a decision we made as a family back then.
I did express to him to handle this with care because loosing my independence was a great deal to me.
All my fears where met, after isolating me form my surrounding ,he began to show his true face
The disinterest towards me & my son grew even bigger, but also did the jealousy & the controlling.
Being me, loving music I couldn’t stop doing what I love.
No matter where i am, I will always make music!
One month later I established a residency in the oldest electronic club on Okinawa.
I have to evolve & eventually do, it’s a basic instinct.
This urge & resilience became the hating point for my ex-husband.
Coming from a family where alcohol is served like water, he too started to develop a drinking habit.
I want to say this much, yes he got physical, there where a broken tail bone, a broken rib & a life threatening injury on my right hand, where my tendon, nerve & vein were cut.
I was lucky to have such great doctors at the time. My hand is fully functional. Just a Frankestein-Scar is left.
In that same year, 2013, I also found my self abandoned in Okinawa.
I had to sell all my music equipment to be able to survive.
The rest of our things were shipped to his address, he was the one with the contract.
I slept in a car ( my friends ) for about 4 month. I didn’t want to leave this beautiful place, but even more I didn’t want to abandon my dogs.
I saved them & made them a promise I intend to keep!!
Beginning of December 2013, I had an apartment & a job selling cars.
Having to deal with so many things with the new apartment, legal issues, the visa, my boss decided I couldn’t dedicate my time fully to work & let me go 2 month later.
That almost broke me completely. I felt like such a failure.
I turned up in Germany with a suitcase, but my three dogs.
The divorce was done in Germany.
My Ex has been under the radar since abandoning me.
I refused to battle for alimony, don’t want anything from him & especially not the bad energy that the fight would bring.
I had a job as soon as I got to Germany & tried to stay above water with djing, my health was deteriorating though.
In January of last year I found out why, I had cancer.
On this note I would like to end this. I am a bit drained & need to take a step away from this energy.
I hope you understand <3
I want to leave you with this though…yeah , you read right, I HAD cancer!
Once cancer figured out who it was dealing with, it was like… heck no, who, what is this hardheaded individual, I am so outta here …. one thing I am doing since the discovery is to listen to that inner voice even more!
My inner voice told me, do the operation, eat even healthier, no poisons ( also no chemo or radiation )& take RSO, most of all, keep a healthy mind <3
Much, much love to you ALL!
NEVER GIVE UP!!! (-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥
I would like to nominate @dreemsteem, @mindseye-music & @hilladigahackles to the #nocomfortzone Challenge <3 <3 <3 <3
Power to the strong women. You are so brave to step back and relive the past and post about it. Sometimes digging it up can be very tough. I find myself doing that in some of my posts. I don't know if I'd have your courage to put so much detail out here, for the world to see. I had almost given up and tried to end it because I couldn't handle anymore. To this day, I am glad that I learned to raise my head and learn from the past. God was not done with me. I hated him for putting me through the things that happened, until telling myself, those things made me a stronger person inside. My heart goes out to you for being so strong. And scars are cool, is what I tell myself. They are signs of nothing being able to take us down. That we will ALWAYS remain strong.
Oh, wow @pixiehunter your words touch me! It hurts me, I have tears in my eyes writing this, to know you were at a point you felt so lost & alone.... sorry I am very emotional, tears are gone & say......
HECK YES POWER TO YOU MY DEAR & TO STRONG WOMEN!!
I thank you for being so courageous to your share your pain here with me, you are very brave as well <3
NEVER GIVE UP <3
Much love & humongous huggins to ya, D
The greatest thing that ever happened to me was bringing in a new beginning, via the birth of my son. It still pains me that he had to see me get hurt and couldn't climb up on the couch to be next to me. I came to with seeing him trying to stand next to me and crying. That was the last straw. The reaction of that little face was enough to give me a wake-up call.
I just wish more women and girls would be strong enough to do the same. No one deserves to be treated that way, ever..I have a sister who suffers brain aneurysms now because she did not leave hers.
I will never give up :-)
I admire your courage & am so thankful you found the strength to say, NO MORE!!!
You are absolutely right, nobody & nothing should be treated in such a way.
I am sorry about your sister @pixiehunter, that too is a very heavy burden to carry, I hope she wakes up before it is too late :(
Sending you much strength, respect, love & bunches of huggins, D.
NEVER GIVE UP!! <3
Thank you for the very kind words @d-vine. She did indeed finally wake up and ended it on 9/11 of all days. That was her worst day and could well have been the last. But she waited too long and each day could be her last as doctors cannot help her at this point...He met his maker since he had many enemies. (strength, respect, love & bunches of huggins) back at ya.
Never Give Up never never never :-) We strong women are not meant to be quitters. :-)
You don't have to thank me, it came from the heart <3
I am happy to hear your sister, at one point, did manage to free herself.
So sad that such damage had to happen though :(
What's quitting? Lol, I got you! NEVER GIVE UP <3
Nope never gonna happen. :-) And I appreciate your heart my friend. :-)
That‘s right!! 👍🤘
I appreciate you too, happy our paths have crossed ❤️
Hugs to you, dear @pixiehunter. I'm glad you are stronger. Thanks for sharing the difficult things, too.
<3
A person needs a very strong will and heart to share a story like this to the public, you are a strong person.
I can relate to this.
Thanks for sharing your story, I needed this to remind myself about the journey I am on, and the things I have to achieve.
Hi there @cryptogecko, thank you for reading my story! I am saddened to read you can relate :(
You are strong for taking that step & reflecting in that way, NEVER GIVE UP!! I am sure you will prevail!
WOW! Holy crap! Like seriously you just hit on stuff so personal, so uncomfortable, and you just freaking laid it out on the table. I cannot even commend your bravery enough to give even a semblance of how impressed I am at you, your fighting spirit and your struggle. You are amazing! Please yes take a step back as that must have been so hard to recap. Much love and hugs to you darling.
Soooo, I finally found the courage to take all of this attention, the beautiful reactions/ comments & all the love on.
Sorry for letting you wait so long @topkpop <3
I told you, I am so direct I can't help it, it just happens!
I, even am like ...wait did this just happen... a lot of times, lol.... spontaneity takes over, luckily it turns out well ;)
I am sorry if I dropped the moab here & made any of you feel uncomfortable.
I know I didn't have to participate in the challenge, if I would have asked you to spare me, you would have.
I wanted to though, because for one I like a challenge, but even more, it's time to rid myself of this baggage & I saw a chance in this challenge to do so.
It has been/ is a goal of mine to write my full story, as uncomfortable as it is, it is therapeutic, more though I think it could help others.
To have received such overwhelming reactions just blew me away <3
Thank you so much for your love & support @topkpop <3 <3 <3
Heavy reading, it's takes a great deal of courage to share so much of your life openly like this...but then courage is something you obviously have a great deal of to keep going and stay strong in the face of such adversity. Good luck for the future, my best wishes and stay strong.
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#thealliance
Hi @c0ff33a, I hope it didn't bring you down too much.
I guess you call it courage, it's just me being me though :)
To share all this. in this way, really wasn't planned, I reacted & it all just unfolded.
I've been struggling with the thoughts of what I've done & if I might have slightly overshared.
Like I said I do feel the need to write it all down in a book, when @topkpop came up with this challenge, it was the push in taking a step into that direction, letting go of some of it with writing it down & putting it out there.
See, I do feel a little crazy for having kept sane after all that has happened in my life, what I have shared so far was just a scratch on the surface.
Thank you so much for your well wishes & support!!
Much love & huggins to ya, D.
never give up
that is my favorite saying ever and what I try to live by. Some days it harder than others.
Thank YOU so much for being brave enough to face your fears and post this story. I am in awe of you and I'm not an "in awe" kind of person.
You show so much strength in this post about your life and I know living your life I'm sure you had times where you doubted yourself but I hope a million people read this post and learn to never give up!!!
Thank You so much for sharing
HUGE HUGS
Oh dear @snook, thank you so much for reaching out.
Yes, it truly is not easy every day, we don't do things out of comfort though, do we? ;) <3
We do it because it is the right thing to do!!
I am so happy to have found such an outa-this-world community, your support means so much to me, thank you <3
Huggins, D
NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!
Nope. Never!!!!!!! <3 hugs
YAAAYYY!! (-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥
So. Much. Hardship. Yikes!
Big hugs, sister. I love how determined you are, how much you choose to focus on the positive and keep moving forward. Love love and more love to you!!!
I got this!
Always keep on keepin on sister!
You go this!!
What is also amazing, I got you @katrina-ariel & these beautiful human beans in my life now <3
We got this!!
Humongous hug & love, love, love, endless love right back at you!
I'm going to have to read this, several times. There is strength it that I need to steal for myself right now. Thank you for being brilliantly open and shining a light into things I'm pretty sure you'd like to be past.
Hi @mikesthoughts, I am sorry to read you are going through a hard time.
It would be truly amazing if I helped you with my being so open. <3 Please keep your head up!
See it is the past, I can't make it unhappen. I can choose how I deal with it though!
I don't dwell on bad things, they don't define me & we have a saying.... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ;)
See, I refuse to let anyone take my happiness or mess up my life... fall down ( or fall back ), get up, shake it off ( the timeframe of this shakin can vary ), start over anew ... it's hardwired into me!
Much love & huggins to ya, D
P.S. NEVER GIVE UP!
What a bad-ass human being! I smiled so big reading this. There was joy I felt. Not because of the horrible things that happened but because of the stubborn, indomitable, courage of your soul. Not because of but in spite of the darkness the power of your light shines as a beacon for all. An authentic human is a rare thing and much needed in this world. Thank you for doing You in spite of whatever may come. Very cool! Peace friend.
P.s. even you writing and publishing this is yet another opportunity for the negative to kiss your ass. :) Go girl!
Haha, @platosgroove, you made me smile as well! The expressions, stubborn & indomitable, hit the nail on the head! ;) <3
As I stated, I couldn't be different & that didn't / doesn't always make life easy.
To be acknowledged & recognized for who you are , isn't that what we all want?
I do!!
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your acknowledgement, recognition & love @platosgroove <3
Much love & huggins coming your way, D
I'm so glad you made it through all of this!! What a hard road you had to endure. Many people would have crumbled, and this is post is evidence that you are strong! YOU KICKED CANCER'S ASS!! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing with us. Hopefully this will inspire others to never give up! Upvoted, followed, and resteemed!!
Thank you so much for your support @snowpea <3
May intention is to inspire others & show them, they are not alone!!
What a beautiful thing to find out, I am not either <3
It's wonderful that you didn't let yourself give in! even when things wete at their worst you still chose to find a way to keep your promises and stay the good person that you are! I'm happy that you're away from someone who had so much darkness in his heart. Never giving up and staying strong can be so tiring and that's why it's so fantastic that you persevered! I wish you all the best and hope for each day forward to be filled with joy!
Oh you, I am getting all teary eyed @brisby!
Thank you for your kind words & well wishes .
I wish all the best as well, much love & huggins to ya, D.