The Six O'Clock News Translated Into Disconcertingly Frank Speech (SATIRE) - Episode 3

A brutally honest news report without the use of deceptive euphemisms. 

Male Presstitute:  Good evening, passive followers, this is a half hour mind and emotion manipulation program sponsored by the corporatocracy.  I’m an overpaid teleprompter reader with an authoritative voice.

Female Presstitute:  And I’m the comforting female figure with some added sex appeal, who also reads a teleprompter.    

Male Presstitute:  In our lead story, in the violently controlled collective known as California today, some mind-controlled, violent thugs in uniforms, that call themselves authority, from the District of Criminals, swooped in and stole private property, including thousands of plants and millions of violence-backed federal reserve notes, at multiple locations.  The owners of the stolen property were beaten and thrown in cages.  A spokesman for the gang from the District of Criminals said it was a great victory in the fight against plants.    

Female Presstitute:  In other news, in a violently controlled collective called Afghanistan, members of a death cult in uniforms that we’re supposed to support have been guarding poppy plants. These plants are then used to make drugs such as heroin, which has been deemed illegal by some morally-relativistic people in suits in the District of Criminals. We ask you not to see any contradiction between this story and the lead story from a moment ago.    

Male Presstitute:  And now for a brief brainwashing message that will give you a superficial desire from one of our oligarch-owned corporate sponsors.

Excited And Cheesy Male Voice:  Drink our high fructose corn syrup beverage because it tastes good, and don’t worry about any detrimental health effects it might have.  Just drink it because it’s cheap and it tastes good!  For a limited time only, buy a six-pack of high fructose corn syrup beverage, and you’ll get a free bag of GMO, artificially flavored, weaponized corn chips! So what are you waiting for? Get a high fructose corn syrup beverage now!

Female Presstitute:  We’ll now give you a more emotionally pleasing story in order to offset the traumatic damage that the first two stories might have caused.  A cute little kitten was rescued from a tree today.  

The rescuer was an extortion-funded road pirate in a blue uniform.  When asked why he saved the cute and soft little kitty from the tree, the road pirate explained that his boss said it would be good public relations for an otherwise reprehensible, rapacious institution.    

Male Presstitute:  Members of the gang with fancy titles called government stole a female child from her parents today.  A spokesman for the insidious cult called CPS said that the child was stolen because it became known that the parents allowed the child to play outside unsupervised.  The stolen child will be put into a prison environment away from her family, and will most likely be experimented on with psychotropic drugs.  The extortion-funded spokesman also said it was another victory in the dark occult’s war against the family.    

Female Presstitute (aw, shucks grin):  Well, it’s that time of year again, tax slaves.  It’s income theft season! That’s right, it’s that time of year where you have to bang your head against the wall as you fill out never-ending forms and make your eyes cross from calculations, all so you can figure out how much extortion money to pay to the mafia called government.  And remember, if you don’t pay, then some mind-controlled thugs will violently coerce you, steal your money, steal your private property, and throw you in a cage!

Male Presstitute:  A pedophile from Hollywood today gave a sneak preview about a new blockbuster film he has in the works.  While he didn’t want to give specifics, he did allude to the fact that he expects the film to contain lots of propaganda and will be highly entertaining.  It will have lots of explosions, a hero, a bad guy, a physically attractive woman, a predictable plot line, and lots of awesome CGI.    

Female Presstitute:  That’s all for tonight! Stay tuned for a late night comedy talk show that isn’t that funny, where they make fun of political puppets, and have shallow conversations with celebrities!  Goodnight! 

Thanks for your time and attention!

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