Semi-Automatic Laughter Heard in Shopping Mall in Hamburg - Possible Humorist Attack

HAMBURG, Germany - 

Notorious humorist organization Osiris has again wreaked havoc on the unsuspecting populace today as bursts of semi-automatic laughter are heard in a popular downtown shopping centre. Details are still flowing in from the area but it is believed that at least two (with reports as high as 4) men armed with bullhorns and possibly even wireless microphones have blocked exits to the metropolitan centre and are assailing crowds of unarmed civilians with streams of one-liner jokes and recycled vaudeville/music-hall gags. Police forces are securing the area and trying to ensure the safety of civilians as specialist squads search the area for possible double-entendres. IBS News reporters managed to interview one of the lucky survivors, who managed to escape through the back exit of a Crocs outlet store.

(Translated from German)

"This is a terrible day for the German people. We are by nature very serious, we believe there is a time and place for comedy, but to have it happening to innocent people just going about their business - it is frightening to say the least."

The anonymous survivor was lucky, hearing the laughter from afar and immeditaely recognizing the danger before escaping with a score of other store patrons.

"Immediately I knew what was going on. It is rare to even hear small-talk here, but outright laughter is another matter entirely. I dropped all my bags and immediately followed the store manager in an orderly line out the back exit. I feared for my fellows, but there is a time to be a hero and a time to keep oneself safe. There is nothing I could have done against such witty senses of humour." 

Other survivors stories are much the same, with some escapees even claiming to have caught glimpses of the attackers doing physical comedy, including such things as celebrity impressions and even slapstick.

Stay tuned as more details from this horrific event unfold.

-IBS News