Brand New to Crypto's- Blonds seeking Help to get started!

BitcoinforBlonds is a funny and original journey of how to get started in the crypto arena with some help from the Steemy pro's in simple language that a blond can understand.
I hope other hold-outs will take the plunge in this new and confusing land, cuz girls just wanna have fun!
Sir , what's a CryptoCurrency?
About a week ago I noticed these thingy's called Etheriums were worth 80-bucks or so. It was a month ago they were selling for thirty dollars. I'd been very careful not to pay attention to any talk of cryptocurrency.
I'd put my fingers in my ears when I heard anyone discuss the merits of the invisible computer ghost coins and stubbornly block any hint of information.

Hell no, I don't understand block chains, ice blocks, chain letters, chain gangs, ripples or bits, I don't know how to buy the stuff, what to buy or what to do with any of it.

I know how to navigate my trading account, I can buy or sell a metal, so why bother with digital stuff that may evaporate with the next ransom attack.
Simply stated: I caved. There "appears" to be way too much potential for $$$$ gains with this weird new stuff, just look at any bitcoin owner that bought at $200.00. It looks like they're smiling, but it's a gloaty, smirky "ha, shoulda got in when I told ya to" look.
So here I am, I know nuthin' bout' nuthin, starting my journey seeking help from alpha men who know their way around an "exchange" like the olden days of a trading floor (yes kids, this is what buying and selling looked like back when).

So come take the journey.
I welcome comments and suggestions and here are the rules, don't send 20 links to youtubes.
Here's what I've learned so far: this landscape is changing so fast a "beginners" guide was valid when etherium was under a buck and bitcoin was 500 dollars, yea a few months ago.
Now the "help" videos are too advanced already and there's new stuff, new tools and new products almost daily.

Secondly, if you are a feminist infuriated over the name I picked, "Bitcoin for blonds", get really, really pissed and then go direct your furry at, oh maybe the leaking nuclear reactor over there in Washington, or the pedophilia ring in DC or global human trafficking and sex slavery.
Those are what are called "real" causes.

Get mad, paint a placard, dye your hair and wave your fist in the air. If you're angered over a blond joke you're in the wrong neighborhood.
There aren't many women getting involved in crypto currenies, with the possible exception of Blythe Masters (queen of evil credit default swaps and derivatives and the girl-child of lucifer, er I mean jp morgan). I have no problem asking for help and the arena is still new (relatively) I'm not intimidated by others knowing more than me.

If you are a lady or a gal or call yourself a chick and weren't triggered by suggesting that men might know more about this subject, I'm encouraging you to jump in too
If you're a crypto pro and want to get a girlfriend, wife or mistress into the cryptoPit- this is the start point!
Not just "go here, do this and then buy, if you want this one you gotta buy this then buy that with the things you just bought".

Clearly this isn't about bitcoin only, but I do like alliteration and Ripple for redheads or retards didn't really work, although dash for dummies has a ring.
There are plenty of men hold-outs too: "crypto-crap", "whatcha gonna do when the power goes down?" and (my favorite) "If you don't hold it-you don't own it". I just want a little skin in the game, even if it's an aetheric digi-coin in a cloud.

Now if you've been screwed by, er I mean screwed over by lawyers, this should go without saying, I'm doing this as a guide/adventure, asking for basic help and suggestions and not telling anyone where to invest money.

So come take the funny, original journey.
First step: getting on or in or over something called an exchange so I can buy something! What's an exchange, which one should I use and how to set up an account?

The ultimate safe space for men who still open doors and ladies that say "thank you" not "effyou".
No question is too dumb and I will be walking through all my moves based on the input and research.
Most of all I don't do anything without the hope of having some fun.

I'm not going to be squirreling away purchases, waiting for some apocalypse or currency collapse or financial armageddon. I'd like to make a dollar or two, learn new stuff and be the one smirking saying "shoulda bought when I told you to".
So where do I start? How much money do I need to start and what do I need to buy to get started?? Short-Blond-Answers! (not short blonds, short answers, I'm a tall blond)!