How To Survive The Raid On Area 51
Step 1: Go to the Alien Center at 2711 US-95, Amargosa Valley in Nevada on September 20th 2019 at 3 to 6 am pacific time. If you need directions, call 1 (775) 372-1500. They're open 24 hours a day, and their hamburgers are delicious. But they're going to be very busy on that date, so you should probably bring your own lunch (and plenty of water). Look for a huge crowd of people wearing masks. Introduce yourself and get to know some of your new friends. But be careful, there may be federal agents in plain clothes trying to blend in with the crowd. Keep your tin-foil-hat on, and don't tell anybody anything personal about yourself.
Step 2: When you approach the base be aware that the government won't do anything until after you pass their warning signs. But once you pass the warning signs be aware that they are authorized to use deadly force. I shouldn't have to remind you that death is as bad as dying, so try not to get shot. It has been suggested that if one learns the ancient art of Naruto running then it might be possible to outrun the government's bullets, and while that may be true, it still won't help you outrun the lasers.
Step 3: If and when you actually get inside the base, look for high tech inter-dimensional portals. They will most likely lead you to the inner realm of hollow Earth. Now, I know what you're thinking: the Earth can't be hollow if it's flat! But don't worry, that's how dimensions work. Just don't step in the radioactive lava and you'll be fine.
Step 4: The good news is that you've made it this far, but the bad news is that by now the government has discovered your identity and the CIA is kidnapping your family members in an effort to stop you from going any further and tampering with their stuff! Lucky for the raid, your daddy never got you that pony you always wanted.
Step 5: If you find the set where they faked the moon landing, it means you're getting close to where they keep the aliens. Try to steal a moon rock, those things are incredibly valuable to science. And if you run low on oxygen then just breath into a paper bag to conserve air.
Step 6: If you escape the Matrix then you've gone too far! Cough up the red pill and get back to work. You've got aliens to set free! Your cell phone won't get a signal outside the Matrix anyway, so no porn until you're back in the Universe again. You heard me, nothing to see here. Now back in your pod, squishy human!
Step 7: When you finally do meet the aliens it's important to remember that they're telepathic. So try to avoid thinking about porn. I know it's hard to stop thinking about it, but you have to try for the sake of the Galaxy! Just stay focused on the mission. Think about how you're going to teach the aliens to do the Naruto run so you can both get out of there.
Step 8: Now that you've rescued the aliens from Area 51 maybe you should consider asking them for a ride to somewhere safe. Because the government will never forget what you just did. And neither will the great Galactic Empire!
Disclaimer: This article was written in satire. I am not actually suggesting that anybody should attempt to storm Area 51. But if you do then please live-stream it so I can watch. But seriously though, don't raid Area 51. They'll totally shoot you.
If you enjoyed reading this post then don't just upvote it, leave a comment too. Tell us what you think people will find in Area 51. And what would you say to the 2 million people who have already signed up to participate in the raid?