- Written by Ivanhoe Thundercleft

The LAMEstream media is always quick to spread the message that our majestic ursine friends are a menace, but really, WHY would WE believe THEM after ALL the YEARS of THEIR lies, RIGHT? Humans and bears have been encountering each other both in the wild and in social situations for eons now, and - contrary to what you MAY have been told by those who want to keep you in a state of bear-free distress, the evidence simply DOES NOT gel with THEIR narrative!

Or should I say "BEARative"? 

Or maybe even "THEIRative"?

I could even reasonably go with "THBEARIRative", though that would be a real stretch, and I'm not about that. Integrity.

So here they are: the reasons why bears aren't as dangerous as THEY will tell you.

1 - BEARS ARE SOFT

I mean do I even need to point this out? Look at these guys. 

 

As harmless as an Elton John song. Here are more.

 

Fuck my shit, would you look at this? He has flowers, for chrissakes!

These bears are even candy. You know what isn't candy? GUNS. Mic drop.

2 - BEARS KNOW STUFF

Bears are extremely old. Every single one of them is at least 1000 years old, and in that time they have gained more wisdom than any human being that old could even hope for. This wisdom has led bears to be the most sought-after wizards and mystics in almost every culture, with thousands of American tourists venturing into the wilderness every spring in order to learn helpful spells and potion-making skills that will help them at work, or in community sports leagues.

Did you know that some bears even know karate? Of course you did, and if you didn't, you're autistic. Ignore the LYING MSM NARRAT-EVIL that is being peddled in whatever language this slimy NARRATE-ERRORIST speaks - it's obvious from the karate gi that our big furry friend's on-screen companion wears that this was a PRE-REHEARSED karate demonstration about how to protect yourself when seated next to a weird Eastern European grandmother.

Nice try, Illuminati.

3 - BEARS DON'T LIVE IN CITIES

Let's be real here, okay? Most of you will never see a bear in your lives. That's because you've VOLUNTARILY packed up all of your Earthly possessions and moved to one of the many massive human farms called "Cities".

People like me, well, we're smart. We know that the only way to survive the coming apocalypse is to watch a bunch of videos about permaculture, buy a slingshot, and save at LEAST a dozen cans of Beefaroni so we can eventually leave this basement and dig a protective bunker in the majestic Idaho hinterlands. YOU, on the other hand, probably live in an apartment or condo (AKA MODERN URBAN COFFINS when THEY start DROPPING their BOMBS and YOU are JUST a SHEEP you SHEEP), and I can guarantee you that you're not going to see a bear ANYWHERE near one of those fenced-in deathcamps of convenience and progress. Bears are smarter than you. Nothing smarter than you can EVER be dangerous (reptilian shapeshifter overlords notwithstanding.)

Not Pictured: Any bears at all, anywhere.

4 - A BEAR SAVED THIS LITTLE GIRL'S LIFE

Why would I lie about that?

So it's abundantly clear: DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES. The truth is on OUR side, and if you disagree, you're autistic. 

 (The above horseshit is actual horseshit, and is in no way intended to be interpreted as factual. Then again, that is what THEY would want me to tell you. Also, this content will be featured on my new blog, http://www.lizardspaceje.ws (LizardSpaceJe.ws: Like News, But REALER), as soon as I manage to swindle some third-world pov into doing all the hard work for me. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I look forward to your support as much as you look forward to reading more great content from me! )