In the Springtime, the helpless butterfly can only pound her fist against her tomb.
Screaming frantically from within her cocoon.
She grew up far too soon.
Pounding her fist against the chrysalis.
Tears escape her eyes, as she realizes her helplessness.
Forest burning as the gloomy sun shines.
The trees grow hotter, and will be lost in time.
The trapped butterfly cannot escape.
The clock ticks towards the dusk of her fate.
You have a wonderful foundation here, and I believe the only thing hindering you is your rhyme. The end rhymes in the poem seem forced, and I think you'd be better served to use this as the first draft of a free verse poem.
Rhyme schemes are double-edged things. They make the poem more palatable to the audience, but it diminishes your ability to clearly exercise your idea to its full potential. The idea behind this poem is absolutely stunning, but the execution is off because of the rhymes.
If you want to rhyme, use them internally rather than at the end of your lines. Give yourself room to experiment with concrete descriptions. What makes the sun shine gloomy? What does the forest look like on fire? Where is the chrysalis? What kind of tree is she in?
All of these types of questions serve to immerse your reader further and can make the struggle more heart-wrenching. Good luck!
Thanks, that's some good advice.
I need some serious improvement.
I don't think you need serious improvement. What I do think is that you're chaining yourself to a structure that doesn't necessarily benefit the ideas you have. I'll be honest - this is one of the most original ideas for a poem I've read. All you have to do is give your ideas freedom to grow.