3am thoughts from my mind, welcome.

Here we go again except this time it's worse. This time I have a concussion on the top of my head. Somewhere near the partial bone. It's fun getting dizzy all the time. But it's better than being nauseous every time I would get up from the hospital bed. Now how did I end up in the hospital? Do you really want to know? I can't tell you. It's a secret shared only to my loved ones and forced to say it to the ones who really have to know. All I can say is I could've died. But I didn't. It's not my time yet. I still have years here in this world which I'll make the most. The time I was in the hospital I had my trusted boyfriend by my side. Except when I have important people and love ones saying he shouldn't be trusted that's where I lose my head. Is that why the Red Queen from "Alice in Wonderland" would always say "off with your head!" She perhaps wanted her own head off trying to please everyone from the castle. She wasn't pleased. She was mad. Am I mad? But all the best people are. I'm losing it. I don't know what to do. I am in physical pain and emotional pain inside. How great! Just when I finally was working in what I majored in. I get into this accident. But we can't blame the party. Perhaps our naive way of going when we got drunk messed us up. The good thing of all this is I'll be going to therapy soon I can't say about what though. It's personal and still hard to believe. It's hard to believe many things that have happen even after the hospital. All I can say is it had something to do with my loved one. He's okay now perhaps not mentally well so he has told me. He may play it off as he can hide his emotions fairly well. But he got a haircut on a Monday and I just kept staring at his face while he was getting the haircut and gosh did he look so upset. It hurt me how sad he looked. He admitted he did look very depressed. Want to know something sad? I just began to think for myself. I have never done that. I'm a people pleaser. To a certain extent. These last few days I've stayed up thinking and crying. What to do and what not to do. I changed my decisions again. Why is that my biggest issue!? Following through something and not going back. Oh gosh. I need emotional support from him. But I need it from myself too. But I want his too. I can't see him. We're almost a year on the 23rd. I can't see him. He's being safe. Am I being safe? I can't say why he's being safe. It's best not to say. He says "life is testing our love." Well I hope we pass. I hope there's change. I hope we don't fall apart.