Chronicles of Alan Sound Engineer , Anyone? “Nightmares in Sound” ( First Gig doing sound at The Bohemian)2010
Warning, Some of the Lyrics printed here may be hazardous to your mental health!
As I mentioned in my previous missive , Cedz calls me and asks if I can do the sound at The Bohemian next Weekend, as Tryst have a Gig elsewhere. “ No problem, what do I need to take with me?”
As there is a PA system there, I need to take Cables, Mikes Stands, DI etc. As is usual with me , I take too much with me. Get there at 1800 hrs, find I am doing a Singer/Songwriter first. In walks a young man holding hands with a Nigerian Girl , he appears to be a young English speaking White Guy. I help him setup, put his acoustic Guitar through a DI Place a Mike on a Boom Stand for him and we are technically ready to go .
He is going to start at 2030 hrs.
There is a 16 Channel Behringer Desk , halfway back in the club, a snake to the stage , 2 front floor monitors and one at the back for the drummer ( when using one)2 x Dual 15” JBL Speakers and a single 18” Speaker Box for Subs per side.
I have played at The Bo myself years ago jamming with a Blues Band. There is a room to the side of the stage containing Power Amps and other ancillaries, Musicians also dump their kit in there while waiting their turn to perform.
This Young Man starts to perform , and I get screaming feedback when trying to get the Monitor volume up . I tell him to move closer to the Mike, this is ignored .
His Girlfriend comes to me and says she cannot hear what he is saying , “tell him to get closer to the Mike! Eventually I get on stage and scream in his right ear ,” Move closer to the Stuffing Mike” he retorts “I always sing like this” Me:- “then ,you have never sung before”.
He moves closer to the Mike and says” Hang , this sounds much better!”
I just shake my head in disbelief, and mentally assign Cedz to endless torture in Hell,
and console myself with , at least the next acts can’t be this bad? Little did I know!
This Guy did not actually sing, he talked while playing Guitar! He was terrible.
Second act was 2 Afrikaans Boys from Pretoria, a singer and a Guitarist with a Les Paul , no amplifier , offered the DI , said no, wants to play through an M-Audio Recording Pre-amp . This sounded Horrible and caused overdrive in the Channel it was plugged into, to the point that I could not get the distortion off the channel. There are no real Lyrics , mostly swearing in Afrikaans, I turn the vocals down a bit, a young lady comes to me and says,
“ I can’t hear what he is saying” ,my response “ Why would you want to ?, you could just read the Graffiti on the toilet walls”.
Anyhow I turn him up again while thinking “ Lord, take me now!
Sidebar:- More than half the people at the Bo that night were of African descent.
Halfway through a song these guy’s suddenly stop , and the Vocalist screams “ Hello K.......s , a particularly derogatory word used to describe Black People .( Originally used by The Saracens during the Crusades to describe People who did not believe in Allah)
I immediately thought “ Were all dead” ( which would have put me out of my misery)
I could not believe the response, All hands raised and a loud cheer. Now I have seen it all!
The last act was a full band, Drummer , 2 Guitarists , Bassist and Singer.
Took a bit longer to setup , Drum Mikes, Miked up Guitar Amps etc.
Their first song was the vocalist reading out an add from a witchdoctor to music:- Bring back lost, love, win tenders, get your Penis enlarged etc. Asked them if they did original songs?, “ That was one, Not the lyrics” , I reply .
It is over 6 years ago, I still cannot get some of the Lyrics out of my head, here, let me infect you?
The South African came Home from work,
The South African made himself supper,
The South African Went to Bed,
The South African Woke up
The South African had a Shower
The South African Made Breakfast
The South African Got in His Car
The South African Drove to the Airport
The South African Flew to London
The South African came Back Home ( Wait For It)
He was still a South African!
Then for the Crowning point.
“ This is a Song called the South African”
Every Song they finished they announced the very obvious title of the song.
They droned on and on , and then suddenly , put down their instruments and made haste into the aforementioned room at the side of the Stage .
The Shouts of More!, More! More! Totally drowned out the wimp of a Sound Engineers feeble cries of Less! Less! Less! . Out they ran with a final song which they totally did not feel the need to announce the title of , it consisted of one word repeated fast, and many times , the Afrikaans version of the ever popular F word. Starting with a V and ending with a K.
As I was packing up I asked if they had done any CD’s , Reply 6, I could hardly restrain myself from saying “But there are only 5 of you in the Band, why would you need 6?”.
Anyhow , the manager of the club Wouda came up to me and said “ You obviously know what you are doing, can I call on you again?” I looked at him in horror, he said “ None of these acts will ever perform here again”
That was my ticket to say “ In that case I’m your man”
This was the start of a happy relationship working regularly at The Bohemian Club, where I met and assisted the cream of South African Musicians, and got to meet Mike Neebe and his son Ryan.
Addendum:- I left there something to 3am. ,just round the corner , Cedz calls me ,”How did it go?” reply “ You Bastard.........., "Anyhow, his Gig had gone well and Tryst had landed a new residency, where they still play every Saturday, to this Day!