Invincible

Up until the age I started to hoard wisdom, I have always walked with a sense of invincibility. The rules never applied to me, or if they somehow tried to drag me down, they were ignored or rationalized. This resulted in a fast track to reaching any goals I set for myself. The issue was that the goals I set for myself were actually given to me by someone else, missions of sorts. I'd burn myself day and night to figure out how to achieve these goals, then: success. The rush from achieving these goals was intense but fleeting. It was mere minutes before I'd be searching for another purpose. It gave me a sense of identity and pride and simultaneously offset my underlying unfulfillment.

I suppose that's what this has always been about. Those years I chased other's goals was due to a lack of my own; I had no clear values or guidance so I'd latch onto anything that sounded like a challenge at the time. The drive I had was outside of my personal life. When it came to personal endeavors, I had no motivation to get out of bed. I'd waste the day browsing the internet, playing games, drinking, or trying to get laid.

It wasn't until recently that I learned of a deeper happiness that's more of a background positivity than a shot of life. As I slowly ask myself tough questions and learn about who I truly am, my real goals become clearer. I love writing, I used to be good at it, but never cultivated the skill further than trying to prove points or manipulate people. I respect the power of words as a force and now see writing as something I'd like to pursue in life as a form of expression.

I will also need to rewire my brain as to how I define success. Writing, for example, I do not want to link with financial success because it will likely taint the original intent of the words. I would begin to write in ways and about things that are more profitable. I think the best measures of success are 1) whether I write or not and 2) whether I'm happy with what I just wrote since I'm my own worst critic.

I'm in the habit of having no drive in my personal life, but now that my personal life is my only life, I will be finding ways to apply my invincibility in ways that will advance me towards goals that are aligned with my being. I've proven I'm capable of attacking tasks with unlimited motivation and energy and succeeding to the nth degree, but to get to that point at home, I will be reinforcing writing as a habit. I will write every day, regardless of how I feel, I will write something that comes from the heart and I will naturally get better at it over time.

This also will apply to other goals as well such as eating well and exercising, but I think writing will be the most challenging.

I welcome anyone in to my journey as I take words to the depths of my mind.