4 days ago when I joined steemit I finally got the courage to let go of my toxic mother.

I tried really hard to find a photo of me and her together but couldn't so settled for a photo of me she took. I was looking at her in the mirror so she's kind of there.

Almost 2 years ago a relative raped me and my mother chose to protect him and let me become homeless, while telling me to keep quiet because it would "ruin" the person's reputation if I said anything.

I kept quiet for a few months, because of the guilt she had put on me. I loved my mother more than anyone and always strived to make her happy, and to gain her approval. I told people she was my best friend and I believed it. Which made this blow all the more gutting. I called her to tell her why I had left at 3am 3 days before. She seemed shocked but it became evident very quickly that she wasn't going to do anything about it. She wasn't going to kick him out. She wasn't going to let me back into my home. I was the one who was homeless now. I got raped by someone, and she was protecting him. And she wanted me to stay quiet.

I was so mentally unstable it was scary. I was bashing my head into walls until it bled to stop the non-stop thoughts of killing myself.

I remember being scared. I remember telling friends I was scared. I had no control over my inner dialogue and it was like a stuck record.

"Kill yourself. Why would you want to be alive anymore? Just end all this pain. Kill yourself. It will stop. It will finally stop if you just kill yourself."

This was maddening, and terrifying and the only way I found to stop it was to bash my head into solid objects repeatedly. Usually tile floors, walls, or the bathtub and usually until my head was bleeding. I also have a scar from putting out a cigarette on my arm in the same spot over and over. This was 2 years ago and the scar is still completely visible.

I have been steadily improving. Things were scary for awhile but I stopped wanting to kill myself and I haven't self-harmed in quite some time. It doesn't even occur to me anymore.

However, I was still unable to let go of my mother. I still love her and I still feel sad for her. She has a lot of guilt. She didn't do the right thing and she never will but I know it's eating her up inside and I know she's probably coping with alcohol even though she has hepatitis C. I know she is going to die, sad, broken-hearted, and living homeless with the relative she is protecting.

Any time she would message me I would get knots in my stomach and I felt deeply sad. She bought me presents and I didn't give her my address because seeing the object would just make me want to cry. I had already thrown away everything she had given me. All the stuffed animals I slept with for years, all the fuzzy hats, anything that was a gift from her because it brought nothing but pain. So, I didn't want new things from her and I didn't know how to tell her this. I still didn't want to break her heart.

Well, I am now crying as writing this. As open as I am this is one thing I haven't talked about to many people and something I try not to even think about.

Well, Steemit, you are the reason I finally got the courage to let her go.

I joined here and I knew I wanted to tell my story. All of it. And I knew if she was on my social media she would see it. I didn't want to make the posts private. I wanted to get my voice back. I didn't want to be quiet and I no longer wanted to protect anyone other than myself. And, for myself, I needed to talk about this. So, I blocked her on facebook and I started posting my story here. So, thank you for giving me a voice and helping me find the courage to cut off a toxic mother that I was holding onto and whose mere existence was causing me so much pain.

The pain isn't gone, I have had to take breaks to cry while writing this but I feel confident I am going in the right direction.

(another photo taken by my mom)

Goodbye mom, I still love you but I can't keep you in my life. You made these decisions and these are the consequences of your actions. While I will always have a heaviness in my heart because of the outcome of our relationship I cannot keep the guilt. It isn't my guilt, it is yours. Goodbye.

My mom and this person are off the grid, homeless, and I am not hunting them down and do not want advice on how to do that. I just wanted to tell this story.