I’m Not an Asshole. I’m an Introvert

I can be loud at times, and I’m not shy, so a lot of people assume that I’m an extrovert. But I’m not. I’m an introvert. When I explain this to people, they ask me, “Well, if you’re such an introvert, why are you talking to a group of strangers in an elevator? This is a social interaction that you initiated and could have easily avoided.” I don’t answer them. I just shake my head at how misunderstood the word “introvert” is these days.
For example, people think that if you’re an introvert, you don’t like parties. But, under the right circumstances, I actually do like parties. I find that the right amount of partying is to do so only on weekends or the funner weekdays (not Tuesday) or whenever I’m in the mood to party. That being said, once I’m at a party, you won’t find me introducing myself to people, or thanking the host for having me, or going out of my way to show an interest in what someone else wants to talk about if it’s not me and my life, or any of that other extrovert stuff.
Most introverts find small talk cumbersome, but I actually hate all sizes of talk. I especially hate talking on the phone, even with friends. If a friend texts me, “Hey, you’re twenty minutes late! You promised you wouldn’t flake again, are you still coming?” or “emergency i need your help please call me asap,” I just won’t do it. When you think about it, it’s sort of selfish of them to demand that I talk to them on the phone even after I’ve told them multiple times that I’m an introvert.
As an introvert, I hate donating money to charity. I’m just too shy to think about my money going to help some stranger.
Many of the stereotypes that people have about introverts are so outdated. For example, people think that if you’re an introvert, it means your job can’t involve doing something out in public. But guess what? I make my living as a notary public. That’s right, we introverts don’t have to be notary privates. The difference is that while certifying deeds gives energy to extroverts, certifying deeds takes away energy from introverts.
Yep, we introverts have to find other ways to recharge besides authenticating documents. One of my favorite ways is to eat my roommate’s food from our fridge, even though he has repeatedly asked me not to do so. Sometimes, when I really need a pick-me-up, I’ll dump all of my roommate’s food into a mixing bowl, mash it into a paste, and smear messages on the floor for him to find when he gets home, like, “You can’t be mad, this is just my personality,” or, “Hate the introversion, not the introvert.”
As an introvert, it’s my right to live my life without being limited by some dictionary definition that says I’m a shy, reticent person all the time. I can be confident, outgoing, and aggressive if I want. Admitting that I’m an introvert has given me the freedom to exhibit introverted behavior—like keeping a wallet I find on the sidewalk even though I saw whose pocket it fell out of because returning the wallet would involve talking to another person—without having to feel guilty. Now when people tell me, “Hey, you’re kind of an asshole,” as the elevator doors shut in their faces because I didn’t hold the doors open for them even though I saw them coming and was, in fact, furiously mashing the close-doors button, I can just smile and respond, “No, I’m an introvert, and that means I can do whatever the fuck I want.”