That Time That Neighborhood Lady Got Her Throat Slashed

I was at Wal-Mart this weekend (don't you judge me!) and while I was standing in line a young man stood in line behind me, placing a small amount of purchases on the belt. I thought he felt too close so I turned to glare at him and frighten him into taking a step back. He smiled at me. I turned away for a second but turned back to him when he said, "excuse me?" He handed me a business card.

"Handyman, painting, home repairs, no job too small!"

I accepted it and thanked him. He stood next to me for another 10 seconds or so then picked up his items and walked away.

I'd been profiled.

Some random handyman had been watching me, thinking I might be able to pay him for work done at my home. Which I could, but I would never hire him. For one, I don't like being watched like that. That's damn creepy. For two, my mom's neighbor once hired a random handyman and he slashed her throat, stole her car and left her for dead.

I'm not kidding you. It was in the newspaper. But I knew about it before then because my mom called to tell me all about it.

"Diane (not her real name) got her throat slashed a couple of days ago," mom said.

"She what?" I asked.

And here's how it went down.

Well, not right here. I need to give you a little background about Diane. She's a neighborhood-diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. She's stopped by my mom's house on more than one occasion to tell her that if anything happens to her, "tell the cops to question Beverly and Ken because they're out to get me!"

Beverly and Ken. I need to digress again. Beverly and Ken live in the house between my mom and Diane. They've all lived in their houses since the late 60s, early 70s. They're all in their 70s and 80s. Beverly and Ken take senior bus tours to places like Door County, Wisconsin, Branson, Missouri and New York City, where they've seen a matinee of Cats and "that naked guy with the guitar in Times Square". Beverly and Ken wear matching t-shirts and go everywhere together.

Which is probably why Diane said that both Beverly and Ken were out to get her and not Beverly or Ken. Beverly and Ken are a threatening duo in their matching t-shirts and sensible shoes. One at a time, they are 5 feet 0 inches of no threat whatsoever.

All those words I just wrote and all I really needed to say was that Diane was a bit off and had a vivid imagination.

So.

Diane went to the casino one day and while she was there she was approached by a man who was friendly to her and gave her his handyman business card.

"She hired him to trim her bushes," mom said.

"Mom!"

"What?"

"Trim her bushes?"

"Yes. Trim her bushes. What? So he trimmed her bushes and she invited him to come inside for some lunch. He sat down for a cup of coffee but after Diane gave him the cup he used it to smash her over the head!"

"What?"

"Then he grabbed her by the hair, dragged her across the kitchen, grabbed a knife, slashed her throat, stole stuff out of her purse, stole her car, and left her to die!" mom said.

"How do you know this?" I asked. "When did this happen?" "Did Diane tell you?"

"Beverly and Ken told me!" she replied.

Beverly and Ken were home when the police came and the ambulance took a very bloody Diane to the hospital. They went to the hospital to check on her. Those twin bastards! Probably out to steal her hospital dinner!

Remember the neighborhood-diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia I mentioned many paragraphs ago?

Diane has cameras set up all over her house.

Mom was wrong about some of the details, as happens often with mom. Here's the newspaper's story of what happened:

The victim called police at approximately 6:26 p.m., (approximately 6:26 p.m.?) about three hours after her in-home surveillance system showed that (the attempted murderer) was sitting inside the woman’s home, appearing to be eating lunch and conversing with her. The video showed him get up to get a glass of water, grab a coffee mug and strike the victim in the back of the head. She appeared to go limp at that point, according to the complaint.

The video then showed (the attempted murder) dragging the victim from her kitchen into her living room. At that point the only thing that could be seen on the surveillance video was the victim’s legs, which were twitching, the complaint noted.

It appeared that (the attempted murderer) then kicked the victim several times, walked back to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and walked back toward the victim. (The attempted murderer) was again out of view of the surveillance camera, but the video showed him returning to the kitchen, knife in hand, and rinsing it before returning it to a cabinet, according to the complaint.

(The attempted murderer) faces up to 40 years in prison if convicted.

So, yeah, handyman who profiled me at Wal-Mart. No job to small, my eye!

I'm also keeping both of my eyes on Beverly and Ken. No small neighbor too small to be out to get you!

p.s. That soliciting while in line never happens at Target!

p.s.s. This happened in 2014 and since then, Diane has rented an apartment but has yet to sell her house. Probably because she has to disclose Beverly and Ken. Nobody wants to move next to that kind of trouble - I've seen their travel photo albums. Those are lengthy!