What kind of crazy sport is baseball?

Imagine if aliens dropped into our blinkety-blink world of smartphones and BREAKING NEWS and on-demand everything. And then they asked about our favorite past-times. You would likely feel obligated to show them highlights of our favorite sports. It might go something like this, “Here’s our favorite, football, where giant, muscular men in helmets and pads try to advance a ball down the field while their opponents try to stop them with brute force.”

“Ah, looks violent and fun,” they would say. “I love it when it appears that one man is dead but he is merely very injured and they cart him off in a stretcher. Is that a point?”

“No you’re not supposed to like that,” we’d say, offended.

“Next here’s hockey, kind of like football, but on ice with fewer people and a goalie and Canada.”

“Very fast-paced, show me more,” they’d opine, “but I think I’d like it better in person, with seats right up on the glass preferably.”

“Yes, good call,” we’d have to acknowledge.

“Witness basketball,” we’d say next, “where giant men bounce a ball and try to shoot or stuff it in a basket while their opponents try to stop them from doing so,” we’d say. “It’s a riot. Our best player is LeBron James. He is not just tall but also burly and has cool facial hair.”

“Very interesting,” the aliens would agree. “I like when LeBron throws it home, hammer style.”

And then we’d come to baseball, our oldest and most treasured pastime. “Ah, this one’s great. This is where two teams of nine players try to hit a ball with a stick that’s thrown by a pitcher who is trying to make the batter miss, which he often does. When he, the batter, is successful, it means he either hit the ball over the fence, a rare occurrence that makes the fans go wild, or into an area where the other teams players can’t catch it. The best batters get a hit 3 out of 10 times. Those guys are awesome, unlike the guys who only get a hit 2.5 times out of 10, those guys stink. To score a point, well it’s called a run, a player must advance 90 feet at a time from base to base around a diamond while avoiding being touched by an opposing player who holds the ball in a leather glove. What’s weird about this one is that the defense has the ball, the game isn’t timed, and it only ends after nine innings have been played. Oh and an inning consists of three outs for each team. I know it sounds weird. In order to determine a champion we play 162 times. Then there’s like six rounds of playoffs.”

Aliens stare blankly. “You have got to be kidding me. 162 games? Three out of 10 is good? 162 games?”

“Ah, you’d be surprised,” we’d say. “There’s also this thing called a balk where… “

But seriously folks, ain’t baseball great? I can’t wait for Opening Day!