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RE: Has our need to ACHIEVE reached epic toxic proportions?
I'm 46. I learned that I was smart in school. I was good enough to do things, but never the best. I had little reason to work for my grades - and the result was that I floundered the first time I had to work - college. I didn't really get along with it - though I love learning. My parents pushed me to be perfect, but I knew it was an impossible goal - despite the fact that I'm the only child to provide them with grandchildren (neither of my brothers are likely to contribute - and only one of my three younger cousins had any children), I'm still considered the least-successful of my brothers and I.
It's actually a very abusive way to treat your children, isn't it? Fortunately, I realize they don't do this on purpose - parents only want the best for their children. Still, such an attitude messes people up for life
We not only want the best for our children, but somehow we want it better than what we had. I think that's what's driving this craze. It also makes people like myself - who can't afford all these expensive opportunities - seem like less-than-ideal parents. Further driving in the wedge between the "haves" and "have-nots"...Neither thing is healthy for our society as a whole.
I was talking to my psychotherapist about this earlier. That's what's wrong with the world.
It started with the generation that lived through WW2. (Probably before, but in my family, the pattern started with my grandparents, not my great-grandparents.) For them, It was normal that they wanted something better for their children. They just lived through a war.
A lot of those children did better, women started to go to university in the sixties, they got (more or less) equal rights.
That was my mum's generation.
They learned from their parents to want better for their children, but THEY HAD NO RIGHT to do so! They had it so much better than their parents. They were educated, had better jobs. Why on earth would you put pressure on your kids to do better?
My generation - the people who are 35-45 years old now - is the perfect example of what has happened. Just like me, there are millions of others who have learned to live up to expectations that are not reasonable. They've asked us to raise our standards so high, that is impossible to live up to them. So many people my age are suffering from depression, fear of failure, feelings of insecure and have no self-esteem.
They are supposed to have a successful career, and a successful family - all at the same time. They should be able to travel, and have a nice car. And of course, be happy.
My mum once told me: "Now you have a job, you're earning money - You're happy" She already gave up on the 'having a family'-part 😅
I can only imagine what it will do to the next generation if this generation wants them to do even BETTER... Imo, we (as in 'our generation') have NO RIGHT to put the pressure on our children to do better than us. There have never been so many people between 20 and 35 who suffer from burn-outs and depression...
I think that an unhappy person can hope for his children that they will be happier. I believe that is the underlying idea. The problem is pretty clear if you look at the thing my mum said to me. Most people (as in: 99%) believe that we can only be happy if we ACHIEVE things! If we are what society considers as successful. While achieving things, or being successful and happiness have nothing to do each other. They are 2 completely unrelated things.
Imo, an ideal parent lets his children be who they are. Allows them to do what makes them happy. Even if society thinks otherwise. Parenting is not about giving things or creating opportunities, it's about loving, being there and giving guidance. Teach children that even if they fail, they are a success, because they've tried. As a parent, I think you should never be disappointed in your kid, No expectations, no high standards to live up to. Just love your children for who they are. If they make decisions and do things you don't agree with, let them know, but still love them. I think a person can only become really happy if he can be who he is, and that he is loved for that.
(It's a bit of a difficult matter to find the right words in English, so forgive me if it is kind of messy)
You are very right - it all comes down to unreasonable expectations and unhappiness on the part of the parents - wanting their children to have it better - but losing track of what that really means.
In my childhood, my happiest part of it was when we were the poorest - no kidding! My mother was home, we gardened, raised our own meat, lived on 7 acres in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. It's not about the money, folks!
You know, until now, I had no idea that English wasn't your first language! You're amazing!!! <3
Thanks. I am an English teacher, though, so I can manage. But sometimes I feel very limited, definitely when it comes to things I have all worked out in my mind, but in Dutch,😂
I can understand, because everything is brought down to the basics: love and attention