It Takes a Village: On asking for help and being a helper

Recently, someone close to me had something of a breakdown. They admitted to being depressed. They cried with me. They needed to be held and reassured and listened to. And they said something that stuck with me:

“I never thought I’d be the kind of person who needed help.”

What kind of person would that be? A human being?

Because that’s all of us. We’re none of us invincible. None of us are strong all the time.

Why does our society put so much pressure on people to be “strong”? To not “burden” others? To always stand on our own two feet and soldier on?

We humans are not supposed to live that way. We’re supposed to support each other.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I’d take it further and say it takes a village to keep a human. We need a community around us all our lives. The raising doesn’t stop when we turn 18. Maybe we move to other places, but we still need a village there too. We’re just not meant to handle life alone.

I want to remind people to carry on reaching out their hands and raising up their village, and to never be afraid to ask for support when it’s needed.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine got very drunk at a party and started crying about his ex-girlfriend. I’d never seen a guy openly sob like he was doing. I was almost impressed at his willingness to be vulnerable and express his feelings. I hugged and reassured him and eventually he calmed down, and I didn’t think much more of it.

But then exactly the same thing happened again a few weeks later, and I realised he might have a problem. It’s not healthy to only be able to talk about your feelings of sadness and loneliness when you’re extremely drunk. I worried he was self-medicating with alcohol. I reached out to him on Facebook. I offered to talk it through with him while he was sober for once. I offered him my support.

He never replied. We never mentioned it again.

I felt a bit stupid for sending such a heartfelt message that was presumably not wanted or needed.

After that, I held back on offering help to people. I felt it wasn’t my place. People can look after themselves. They don’t need me sticking my nose in!

But then this year, a different friend of mine died. He took his own life at the age of 24.

I hadn’t realised he was struggling. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years, but from his social media he seemed to be living his dream life. It was the biggest shock I’ve ever experienced.

When we lost him, I decided to never second-guess myself again when I felt the need to offer support to someone.

Even if the person never responds to me, or if I’ve misjudged the situation and they’re actually fine, it’s better to send the message and seem silly than not send it at all. There’s too much at stake.

What if there was a sign we missed with my friend?

Would things have been different if he’d felt able to call on his village to support him?

Maybe he didn’t see himself as someone who should need help. Maybe he felt he should be “stronger” than that.

But it’s got nothing to do with being strong, and everything to do with the strange experience of life as a human being. Our brains can be cruel to us, and the universe can kick us when we're down, and it can all feel too much...but there’s always a way forward. And there are always people who will help.

I believe it’s our nature to be kind. We want to help. We want to take care of our own. We’re all human and we’re all just trying our best, and I think we can recognise that in each other.

Please, keep looking out for your people. Send the messages, give the hugs, be the ear someone needs. We are the village, and our community needs every one of us.

And if you’re struggling, call on your village. If you don’t have a village, find one. There are groups online to give you that connection. There are many options. You will find people who will listen and understand.

You are not alone in this world, and you never will be.

(Royalty-free images from pexels.com)