How to Start a Business

Millenials are all about starting their own business. It’s obvious why being a startup founder is in style like never before. Being a business owner is a fool-proof way to make tons of money and become famous. And, it’s way better than sitting in some boring office clicking a typewriter all day. I’m not a startup founder but I’ve watched tons of Shark Tank and have seen The Social Network over ten times. That said, below are my top tips for starting your own business.

Ditch School
Let’s face it, nothing slows your money mobile like school. Mark Zuckerberg would agree, school is 99% useless if you want to be rich and powerful. Not to mention all the debt you’ll accumulate once you graduate.

Ditching school is a hallmark of the modern rebel

Here’s my take on the main subjects:
English – Regular consumers speak everyday slang like “extra af” and “lit”. Shakespeare can take a hike!
Math – The only equation I need is adding and multiplying money. Leave the algebra to the math geeks.
Science – Am I joining NASA? Last time I heard, the government cut their funding anyway. So since I’m not joining NASA, let’s limit science to the essentials: protein intake and working out.

Coming Up with an Idea
Coming up with a lucrative business idea is a fast and simple way to start your road to riches. Today, almost any idea can make a fortune, so long as it’s associated with trendy buzzwords like innovative and sustainable.

It’s not the idea that gets you rich, it’s putting it to work!

Creating an app is always a good place to start. From Bernie Sanders based dating apps to websites that point-out the best places to have public sex, people are shelling out millions for just about anything. Apps are the fast and cheap way to go!

Raising Money
This is another simple but necessary part of starting the gravy train. All it takes is asking your richest friends and family for a few hundred thousand dollars to get your idea off the ground. These days, it’s easy to convince people that a startup opportunity will be a success. Just look around you! Left and right there are famous brands that are practically printing money through trendy ideas. Not to mention all those vegan/wellness shakes you see on Instagram, if those products weren’t successful, then how do they afford all those models and private jets?

Family comes first, especially when it comes to financing

Best thing is that loving friends and family will let you borrow without asking for interest or profits in return. If they insist on sharing the wealth, just go to someone else and consider them uninvited to your future boat parties.

Venture Capital
After your business is off the ground and generating revenue, you will eventually reach a point when your family’s money is not enough. That’s when you need to learn the art of presentation and sales pitching. Venture capitalists love an energetic and charismatic leader that can talk a big game about his trendy, sustainable, vegan protein shake. But since presentation is 90% appearances, It’s important to prepare thoroughly, mainly through flashy clothing and fast talking. Reading Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal and Jordan Belfort’s Way of the Wolf are great places to start.

Venture Capital: Better than Santa

Implementation and Execution
If you‘ve made it this far, the gold rush is just beginning. Now that you have a war chest, it’s time to hire the best and brightest and get right to work. Any successful startup will be an automatic magnet for top talent from schools like Harvard and Yale, so with the exception of the occasional career fair on Wall Street, you can expect people to come to you. Like mentioned previously, school is for the worker ants, not the king cobras. So since you have the charismatic charm and ideas, it’s the lawyers, consultants, and investment bankers that will do all the grunt work for you. This is when it’s time to buy a nice comfy chair since you’ll be spending a lot of time on it.

The chair says it all

Going Public
Now that you successfully run a money making machine, why settle down? Why not shoot for the stars? Or better yet, the stock exchange? The IPO is the last milestone for the biggest, most visible startups out there. An IPO means that your company is a stock that will be the subject of endless talk on CNBC and Bloomberg. This means that you’ll be an official celebrity and likely attending various Hollywood parties. Because of your new found stardom, it will be important to invest in the finest clothes, cars (preferably Bentleys), and bottle services, in order keep up with an impeccable image of glamour.

Last but not least, always have a photographer nearby. If it’s not on Instagram, it didn’t happen.

https://mms.businesswire.com/media/20160519006683/en/525921/5/NYSE_Podium.jpg
Ringing the opening bell: The postcard of corporate success

Legendary Business Status
This is the point in time where you’re an undeniable success and most likely famous throughout the world. If you haven’t done so already, it’s practically businessman protocol to marry a young attractive model. This will be necessary to cultivate an image of health and glamour and seems to have worked out for the likes of Bill Gates and Evan Spiegel.

Also, there’s no get out of jail free card like getting your name on hospitals and libraries. Nothing says humanitarian like “[Your Name Here] Children’s Hospital”. So why not shell out a few million here and there to do that? Think of it like buying insurance.

Finally, when not on speaking engagements or book signings, it's time to plan the final frontier: becoming president. Today, all types of celebrities are considering running for office. If Kanye thinks he can do it, so should you!

Hope this helps!

The Real Deal Institute of Public Policy