I went through some stinky years a while back. I found a counselor who helped me find new ways to deal with the unpleasantness in my life. It's not perfect, but it's much better than it was. I hope you have at least one friend nearby in whom you can confide. "Jane" was mine; I called her my private psychiatrist! A shared burden is easier to bear. You have made a start by sharing on here. My prayers are with you.