When you can't find the focus for mindfulness or meditation.

Word has spread far and wide about the benefits of meditation and being present in the moment. They are now hosting seminars at my workplace, apps are popping up like weeds to teach you how to take five minutes to pause and breath, and bloggers no matter their core subject, work it into a post detailing their mastery of themselves or a problem with such a simple tool. This is not one of those posts.

Artwork by: Mo Mot

This article is for those of us with a severe focus issue that makes every attempt backfire into rumination, panic or another procrastination. Whether it is anxiety, a lifelong attention issue, or perhaps your fight, flight or freeze is turned up full blast and the cortisol is wreaking havoc on your energy, your weight, your relations, and your entire life, it can feel impossible to breach the calm centered state, even if you have been there before. I have found that everything is a process, and learning from process requires practice. However unlike normal skills this is one you might have to start all over, or even use different methods just to get back to baseline.

There was a time for me when meditation came easily. In high school I discovered various examples through books while on a research rabbit hole spurred by studying world religions. I began to visualize, breathe with control, and balance my chakras; it empowered me. I thrived and excelled at anything I put my mind to even in the face of adversity. Toward the end of college I suffered two long term abusive environments. I barely managed to graduate and fell into a place of struggle. More traumas occurred, this time one off situations of the "me too" variety. I became erratic in my self care, stopped practicing my craft, abandoned my spiritual pursuits. I lost all sense of myself.

Fast forward a few years, after long periods of hiding in the comfort zone I began to work on myself, my diet, exercise, not always consistently. I eventually did something that looking back on it seems to be a typically thirty something response, and took a long time to bring to fruition. I sold my home, traveled, took on challenges and gained experiences. I was more often than not living in the moment, despite the occasional panic attack or negative self talk. Then, last year, the past came back to haunt me. Run ins with abusers, flashbacks, negative influence, allowing myself to be treated with disrespect because I have become wired to avoid drama by not asserting myself. Naively thinking I could welcome another lost soul into the positive perspective I had found, only to be dragged back down into the hell I had thought I left behind instead.

The fall out, here it is again, a downward spiral into darkness. I thought I was done with this, that I had learned my lesson, that I was finding myself, but suddenly, it’s a fog, and I can’t break through the haze. Not making it to the gym, unable to finish a drawing, a book, an exercise routine. My few friends avoiding me because I am taking on the constantly negative quality that had been surrounding me. Devastation sets in, wondering how it feels like I am weaker than before, like I might not be able to withstand the mental storm. I know exactly what can cure me, a healthy diet, good sleep, exercise, a positive attitude. It all feels like too much to accomplish. The comfort zone creeps in to contain me in a poor diet, binge watching cocoon of apathy.

This is when meditation is needed the most but each time I set myself in a quiet comfy spot, the monsters of lost time or missed opportunity, of feeling mistreated or misunderstood, of helplessness or hopelessness, all start to creep in. The body tenses and thoughts start exploding about some postponed task, sure enough it’s moments to dive into the distractions. It can also end in reaching for a little too much self medication of your choice. The aftermath of which can be feeling worse, and the cycle continues. What I learned from this struggle was that at any moment a lifeline is within reach. It is still so easy to forget that when things feel dark and empty. I’d like to share the small steps I use that can be done no matter how I am feeling to lead me back to myself.

The first life line I use is a mantra. Sort of like those feel good memes that give you a piece of advice you know, but don’t always remember. I may use a song lyric, slogan, or just something I tell myself I need to do. You can write the mantra over and over, which really helps if you can’t think of anything to write. Say it repeatedly as long as you can hold the focus, it’s practically meditation that way. I will say it to myself throughout the day, put a note or image of it on my phone wallpaper, write a note to myself and post it in my home. Some mantras I carry with me for weeks until I feel like I have burned it into my arsenal of positive, reassuring, inspiring thoughts. An example from this past year is “everything’s already alright” (I recommend listening to Nahko and Medicine for the People ‘Black as Night’ to hear the inspiration for this one). On really tough days I remind myself to “keep pushing through the discomfort” because as the cliche goes, this too shall pass. You just have to hold on a little longer.

The second life line is simple stretches, and when I feel up to it, an easy walk. As I write this I am nearly a year removed from my last yoga session. I haven’t gone to the gym in many moons. I do however, reach my arms up to the sky, and roll my shoulders back. I can wiggle my toes and rotate my wrists and ankles. This immediately brings our attention to our body, as well as finding places of tension and working through them. Sure your mind might be still wrapped up in a worry, or your favorite TV show, but it’s a start. The next step for me on this lifeline is to take a journey into nature, no matter how short. The sound of running water is like white noise for thoughts, they fade into the background. Technically, taking a walk isn’t meditation, but it puts you in a place where you can’t distract yourself with anything else, you have to be paying attention to the activity. Exercise, sport, dance, any physical activity can provide the same presence that meditation allows you to explore.

My third lifeline is essential oils. I find gratitude in living in a time where I can simply place an order and have quality essential oils from around the world shipped to me for personal use. Just about any ailment has a remedy found in nature. I have a diffuser as well as roll on, and make my own mixes. Headaches, creeping panic, pain, insomnia, I can treat it all with raw oils and products containing the right oils. I signed up for a discount program with DoTerra through my cousin, and I have been very satisfied. You can follow my link to sign up for the same plan, while I do get points toward discounts for the referral, that isn’t my reason for using this brand. The oils I used to get at occult stores don't even begin to compare to the quality of these. When oils aren’t in reach, or if you aren’t financially flush enough to pick some up, you can get a quick aromatic effect from spices, candles, deodorants or perfumes, a choice body wash. Keeping something handy in your car, or bag, can help for the moments where you just need to find center on the go. These little moments of pause are sometimes all you need to get by. When it finally comes to sitting down and meditating for full minutes, you can bring all of these life lines together, and if you want to go that route I recommend one more.

Solfeggio Frequencies are mathematically measured tones that are proclaimed to provide specific effects for the listener. For me, they all assist with focus and clearing my mind. They were especially helpful in falling asleep. When it comes to meditation, these and Binaural Beats really turn things up a notch (use headphones!). It may be another type of white noise to fade your thoughts out, but I think there is a deeper resonance that reverberates through your brainwaves. These might even be all you need to stretch that two minute meditation into five.

It took me repeatedly reminding myself to grab one of these lifelines before the practice became regular. Progress is not a straight line, nor does it increase exponentially. Life itself is a dance between order and chaos, one that never ends. The darkness and the pain create depth which allows the joy and the light to stand out. I have to remind myself, because it can be so easy to forget. If you find yourself unable to focus, to find stillness, to be present in the moment, grab a lifeline, take it one step at a time, and rest assured that you can build your strength, find your calm, and meditate once again.