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RE: Real Talk: My Experience with Suicidal Thoughts & the Effect of Suicide in my life.
Your story just like mine, the different is my brother become drug addicts instead killing himself.... And I.... As long as I remember I just wanted to die... Sometimes I hurt myself, I didn't kill myself because I'm too afraid of hell (I grow up in a community which strongly believe in God) and this is my only reason never committed suicide. These day I feel more like a failure since I failed in anything I tried to reach. You're lucky to have a caring husband and kids.
My brothers all became addicts as well. I just barely touched the surface of any of the story, of course. My cousin made and sold meth, went to prison and died at some point in the last few years. I don't really know, since I cut off 99% of my extended family well over a decade ago. It was the healthiest thing I could have ever done.
I'm sorry you can relate. I definitely still have huge waves of feeling like a failure at everything. Still, to this day. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have even had kids because the guilt for mistakes I made (even those that are just in my own head) is so tremendous that it wants to crush me. Same with my marriage... but yes, I am VERY VERY luck to have my husband, who has pulled me out of the muck more times than I can count. And extremely lucky to have these kids in my life.
I'm so so sorry that you feel that way. :( My husband struggles a LOT with feeling like a failure, especially now after he's failed at so many financial things and we're always barely scraping by. Those feelings of failure can be so consuming and overwhelming.
I hope both of you can keep holding on and become a survivor...
I hope you can fight your own monster.
I know how heavy all those feelings... For me, I've no body to talk about it, here all mental health problems is like a big secret, and if you show your weakness people gonna call you drama queen.
I don't really talk to much of anyone in real life. Writing is my outlet. It isn't even that people would judge me, but part of my own problem is that when I'm depressed, I can NOT seem to reach out. I just write. Writing, journaling has been my therapy through so many things. Way before the internet, when I dealt with my childhood abuses, I filled dozens of notebooks while I worked through stuff.
When it came up again later in my life, I wrote online in my 'livejournal' and now I'm here. I find writing to be therapeutic and it seems to get the worst of the thoughts out of my head. It's kind of cathartic to just stop the thoughts from cylcing over and over and put them down on paper/the screen. Even if it's just a short reprieve, it does help me. Maybe that would work for you?
I hope you find what you need. There is "help" available here, but it is way too expensive, even when we had insurance, it was way too expensive and hard to find competent help. The very few people that I do talk to outside of my husband and kids just don't understand and I hate to burden them with my problems. Thus... it always comes back to writing. Then I figure that people can read it if they want, or ignore it if they need to.
Yes, you're right.... I used to write my thoughts in paper and then burn it, but recently.... I feel too lazy to do anything... Lol
I thought in western world mental health problems is something every one can reach out... I just know that it's not.
I also never talk about my thoughts in real life, because I always think everyone got their own problems... Keep strong my friend 💗 They said there would be beautiful day after storm.
God, I get that not being able to reach out. Depression is made of walls of steel and reinforced by big gobs of shame
I don't feel ashamed at all. I used to, as a teen, but I'm well past that at this stage of life. I wish that shame wasn't something associated with it, but I do understand that is a factor for a lot of people.
I don't reach out mainly because (and it's taken a lot of thought to even figure myself out) being around people drains me. There are VERY few people that I feel recharged by and even if someone is trying to help, I just seem to absorb their emotional... energy or whatever and just the thought of being around people makes me tired.I should probably find more people in my life that make me feel recharged, but that's one of the catch 22 things for me. Trying to find people that I can connect with, without feeling drained OR feeling like I shouldn't bother them with my problems when I know they have plenty of their own... well... I just have to hope that my husband doesn't die before me, I guess. Because it's mainly him. I don't fall apart without him or anything, but he's one of the rare people that seems to help me.