Body Dysmorphia

Hey Loves, [if we haven't been formally introduced, I hope it's okay that I call you that ;)]

I want to delve into a specific aspect of eating disorders: body dysmorphia. It is a force I wrangled with throughout the course of my anorexia, and one that plagues me in the present tense. I am not alone in this. It is often a critical component of the destructive thinking that drives individuals towards disordered eating.

Body Dysmorphia is a condition in which people LITERALLY perceive some aspect of their bodies to be different than reality. It is not the same thing as insecurity, although it is rooted in this. People who experience this look in the mirror and see something that is not there. This false image is often the result of skewed beauty standards, comparing oneself to others, and the insidious beast that is self- doubt. The important thing to note here is that telling someone who struggles with BD that we "look great", doesn't help. We are not being melodramatic or attention- seeking. Our minds are playing an elaborate prank at the expense of our self- esteem.

Let me tell you how this went down for me. I became curvy when I hit puberty and didn't recognize my vessel of inhabitance. I saw magazine covers that celebrated "Before and After" shots... and I felt like the "After". I had girl friends who remained thin and gangly long after I did. Guys made comments about my figure and I earned the name ARC or Ass Rack Combo. Take these circumstances, add in some perceived worthlessness, arrive at result. My vision was co- opted by my insecurity and I began to SEE my body as large, fat, and ugly.

I still do sometimes. But it doesn't happen every day anymore, and sometimes I am even able to see the beauty. In the beginning of my recovery, I needed concrete things to do in order to escape it. So I set rules: no mirrors below my neckline, avoid celebrity gossip rags, and say positive things about my body every day. Adhering to these gave me a sense of control over my contorted vision, and detached my sense of self worth from my appearance. THIS was crucial. I needed to learn to wake up loving myself- body, mind, soul- unconditionally. Regardless of whether I'd had dessert the night before or had missed a workout during the week.

To anyone who contends with this, try to remember: we are our own harshest critics. There is no one out there that scrutinizes every aspect of our beings the way that we do. We speak to ourselves in ways we would never DREAM of interacting others. People look at us and see our whole selves. They see the memories we have together, the way the sun changes our eye color, the goofy jokes we tell. Forgive yourself, and go forth knowing that others are looking for the beauty in you. Look for it in yourself.

[I also want to quickly note that a crucial aspect of my recovery was/is therapy. It is so important to have a trained, unbiased human in your corner.]