RE: The Ghost of Grudges Long Since Past
Damn, what a rough read. I'm so sorry this happened to you, man.
For what my opinion is worth on your questions, here goes nothing.
No. It's no more 'holding a grudge' to keep toxic people out of your life than it is 'holding a grudge' to stay away from the place where you were attacked by a bear. Avoiding harm, whether mental, or emotional, or physical, is avoiding harm. You need have no ill will towards an individual to still want nothing to do with them.
Of course not. Once again, self-preservation is an instinct built into all life forms, and it is the natural way of things. One need not be miserable to be a good person. Forgiving someone and keeping them at arms-length (or even further) are two entirely separate actions which are utterly unrelated. 'Forgiveness' and 'friendship' are not synonymous. You don't have to treat them like they are. :)
It's only worth rehashing the past for the good parts. Cleansing your life of the toxic elements is one of the most important things we can do for our mental health. Rehash the past if you feel there's something you can learn from it, or to reminisce about enjoyable things. Don't revisit it just to beat yourself up. Every moment you spend looking behind you is a moment you spend missing the beauty of the here and now. Just like driving, you want to check your mirrors every so often, but keep your eyes on the road in front of you.
Hey @modernzorker, thanks for the affirmations, it's good to know that I'm not off-base.
I'd like to think I've learned something in my four decades on this planet. I may be wrong, but here's to crossed fingers and hoping for the best. :)