Meditation for Assholes

I'm writing this because I needed to read this at a point not so long ago. This writing is not for highly spiritually attuned people, or yoga masters, or those in touch with the divine feminine. It is for assholes, like me. Meditation does not come easily to assholes. We are lazy and want a quick and easy route. We don't want to use hard work or patience. We want rewards and good stuff, now. Tough shit assholes. Unfortunately meditation is a pain in the ass, in that it can feel boring and difficult and unrewarding, at first. I meditated for quite a while without reaching any magical place of bliss and harmony, or feeling high. And nor did I receive any promised wisdom from another dimension. Nope, none of that bullshit. I just sat uncomfortably, trying not to think, and trying to concentrate on my breathing. Most often I would give up after about 20 minutes, having failed to cease my thoughts for more than a minute or so at a time.

But I persevered for a while, putting my best asshole trait to good use, being a stubborn asshole, and not wanting to lose to some poxy meditation. I found after a few weeks of this tedious task once or twice a day when I could be arsed, led to me feeling noticeably a lot more relaxed than normal. I noticed especially with my kids (who are often assholes) that I had more tolerance for their stupid shit. I found it easier to sleep and my temper subsided.

I thought that was it. I thought 'that will do, that's not a bad thing', but was still reading about all this glorious bliss stuff I wasn't getting, presumably because I wasn't hippy enough. I fucking hate chanting and oooommm-ing, and I'm so lazy with yoga that I can barely sit properly. I have to sit on a pile of cushions with two further piles of cushions propping up my legs so my groin doesn't rip. I get horrible cramps in my foot so I have to stretch out. I've managed to stay vegetarian for the last couple of years, but still eat enough cheese to keep a herd of cows in constant agony. I occasionally drink, and I swear too fucking much.

But I knew there was something there. I knew because I've taken enough drugs to keep a college campus high for a few terms. I've left my body on numerous occasions, and united myself with trees in the woods, and passed balls of light with a friend, and met various entities that showed me cool or scary stuff. I knew because I've read and heard hundreds of accounts of people telling me so. Clever people (cleverer than you, asshole). So I thought it worth persevering, and it was. I caught glimpses numerous times, of a kind of special silence and stillness, where you barely breathe and the world just fucks off and leaves you to it, and it's so so nice that you just want more.

One day recently I was doing what I think passes for mediation (seriously, what do I know? I've never had a guru, I just read, and they all say different stuff), and I was doing some pranayama (controlled breathing, do some reading asshole) and I got the urge to breathe in very powerful full breaths with forceful exhalations and no pausing (I've never read to do this, I just felt like it). I kept breathing, hard and long and after a couple of minutes (wild guess) I could feel myself building to a crescendo, and when the time felt right I held in my final long breath, and there it was, this fucking beautiful, amazing, weirdly silent, bliss. Think of it as a wank for the soul and that bliss was the orgasm. I don't know how long it lasted. It felt like minutes but I really couldn't say. I know I didn't breathe, and didn't feel like breathing for some time. I just floated in a wonderful high for a while, and only lost the feeling because I got excited about how wonderful it was. My mind switched back on to tell me how awesome it was, thus crashing my party and bringing me back to earth. Stupid asshole mind.

But there's no comedown from a high like that. Actually you feel energised and happy as fuck. It made me do this writing didn't it? That's pretty creative for an asshole like me.

meditation is work for me. I don't find it particularly easy or make time for it as much as i should. But that's because I'm a lazy asshole that is probably avoiding it due to some suppressed emotional baggage. Please try it, just ten minutes, twice a day at first. In time it will help you. I promise you.