The Virgin Thai Massage Experience

My first Thai massage is what I would describe as glorious, interesting, and soothing. The first day I had arrived on the exotic island of Koh Samui to attend a boring island hopping yacht party the topic came up. It was after what would become the cheapest meal I have ever had on the planet.

Three men would devour appetizers, side dishes, three mango shakes, and of course a main dish of an exotic Thai dish. It was a dish I do not know the name of or know how to pronounce.

The only thing certain about the main dish is that it would burn the pants off my taste buds.

After devouring our meal we obviously had a nap and later reconvened to debate the concept of a Thai massage. I of course would be intrigued as long as it did not contain a happy ending.

I simply don’t do that on the first date.

We walked along the main drag and every other shop was offering a Thai massage. It seemed similar to a Thai massage superstore. One of the things I always miss about the United States is the variety of products one can find.

To try and describe this to my foreign readers just imagine an aisle at a local grocery store. Most grocery stores overseas have possibly a maximum of 10 different types of cereal. A major chain may have 20. In the United States there are entire aisles of cereals in every sugar intoxicating color, name, and brand. Even taco bell now served a Doritos Taco what is the world coming to?

I wondered if there were different variety of Thai massages.

I would not say that I am a big man but I was concerned about the size of these women. The women in Thailand are beautiful but they are also quite petite.

What exactly was the attack plan for a petite woman giving a man a massage? Do they do it with their feet? Do they jump on your back with carefully constructed techniques that have been refined over thousands of years?

We approached the counter with the handful of Thai massage artists sitting outside and began to request pricing. The price listed on the Thai massage menu was roughly two or three dollars. Everything in Thailand is negotiable however. Our dinner just a few hours ago would not have been worth more than $6 or $7. The dinner would have equated to a meal to about $60 or $70 minimum in the United States.

Easily over 100 pounds in the obnoxiously priced regions of London.

Our group of course would not oblige. I was informed that in Thailand there is always a “big tourist group discount”. We proceeded to negotiate.

The final price would be the staggering amount of $2.20 for a full one hour massage. I simply could not oblige to such an outlandish high quote for a massage.

I was tired and contemplating I hope I don’t snore. That loud.

What ensued actually was extremely interesting. The way they provide the Thai massages are with their entire body. They leverage their own body weight with certain movements in order to provide enough pressure to the body.

While on one’s stomach the woman sits down on the lower back with her face facing towards our feet and the process begins.

In the end the Thai massage was extremely relaxing. I did fall asleep several times but was regrettably informed that did not snore and another member of our group took the snoring crown.

I wasn’t offered a happy ending either which I was very happy about. One thing I learned about my time massage is that they should market how relaxing they are and not just a happy endings. Also, men don’t snore during the massage, it really isn’t cute.