An update on my life

My life has been continuing in the direction of awesomeness. Things become more awesome everyday it seems. One of the most awesome things I have done recently is to integrate my masculine and feminine halves into a complete whole. You could call it a hermaphrodite. I will teach you how to do the same.

The way that I became aware of my feminine side is through psychedelics and sexual fantasies. My imagination grew more and more powerful to the point where the feminine beings I was imagining seemed real enough that I could pull energy off of them into my physical, astral, and emotional bodies. The healing that I experienced this way was very profound, but it was just the tip of an iceberg. I enjoyed the fantasies, especially as they grew more real and powerful, but I was still looking for women in the external world for validation and emotional support.

Little did I know that the beautiful goddess I was seeing in my fantasies was actually my other half, my ultimate soul-mate. This goddess was a second half of my personality that previously was locked away and viewed as something external that I could never attain, understand, or experience. The trauma that this caused was a living hell. I was so emotionally heart-broken and fucked up that I cried for hours every day for years.

My habits of non-masturbation drove me to the edge of a knife that stabbed my heart constantly, leading me to feel like I was bleeding out and slowly dying. Non-masturbation has the power of amplifying all emotion, will-power, thought processing power, fantasizing and imagination, basically every aspect of the self. This is because the universe is full of sexual energy, and this energy is released with orgasm and especially with release of the sperm.

Because of my good habits of sexual absinance, I was driven through the fire and the flames to correct my personal problems. I was in a state of mania, thinking of sex almost constantly. It also helped that I was eating concentrated aphrodisiacs on a daily basis. I was like a dog in heat, or whatever the male equivalent of that is. While this is actually an immensely powerful state to be in, when the thoughts are not based in truth, total emotional mayhem can ensue. I had so many bad thought habits and emotional addictions that I thought I would never get out of hell and reunite with the goddess. The bad attitudes were so ingrained that I was not even aware of many of them, and I felt powerless to fix them, because they ran on auto-pilate like a broken record that I couldn't change if I wanted. This powerless feeling was itself a bad attitude that I had to fix.

I had heard of many law of attraction teachers and books, and I had tuned into them, especially in the last 2 or 3 years. While I definitely resonated with the teachings, I was not far enough in my development to actually implement them. I had looked into Joe Dispensa's work, Mark Passio's work, Jay Parker's work, Eckhart Tolle, Osho, Kevin Trudeau, and many others, but my mind was so fucked up that it seemed impossible to correct it, especially with the pressing emotions and out of control sex-drive. The need for emotional validation from women seemed so real that it was like an impossible obstacle that could never be overcame no matter how much internal shadow work I did. It was an obsession. I listened to probably thousands of hours worth of teachings from multiple people about how to attract, pickup, or seduce women. Believe it or not there is actually an entire subculture that exists specifically to teach men how to attract women. I have been tuned into that type of information for over 10 years, beginning my research late in high school, when I felt so emotionally dead and hopeless that it seemed like a long shot, and the advice wasn't that good, but I had to start somewhere.

I was not really able to implement much of the advice I was given until recently, because a lot of it was about fundamental personality traits including emotional addiction to women's validation and support that had to be completely fixed for any of the advice to work. I would try to talk to women and attract them here and there, but was almost totally unsuccessful, driving me further into the hell of sexual frustration and self abusive thinking. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to strange women, because I knew you had to be in a good mood for them to respond well, and I was completely terrified of rejection and judgement, but I was so in need of love that I would go out to bars and clubs and festivals and every where else and just stand there like a moron hating on myself, feeling worse about myself by the minute. It sounds extreme, but that is actually a pattern that has been my entire experience of "hitting on girls" since I first got good advice on women from reading the book The Game in my early grad school years, about 8 years ago.

I did not learn about non-masturbation until about two years after that, and it seemed as though I had found the holy grail. I finally had a technique that I could implement and practice that was actually pretty simple and very effective. It seemed like I had solved all of my problems and that I would be attracting women in no time. In a way I was correct, but I was unaware that the problems I had were so monumental that it would actually take 6 years of non-masturbation and all kinds of other healing modalities to correct them. Apparently I must of had very serious past life trauma, because my childhood was not horrible outside of schooling. I did, however, have some sexual shaming that was done to me as a child that really fucked up my ability to relate to women, because I was so ashamed about wanting to relate to them that I felt totally uncomfortable and afraid of them. This pattern followed me through my entire life up until I really did the work to reprogram my subconscious and conscious mind, and until I discovered the truth about my own nature. This shows how even seemingly benign child-abuse can have drastic emotional consequences over a person's life. The other main factor that fucked up my abilities with women was an unconscious addiction to internet pornography that started when I was 13 and became a daily habit for over a decade until I hit rock bottom and learned that masturbation was actually damaging to my sexual prowess, happiness, and basically my entire life. Only with that knowledge was I able to turn things around. I was driven to it through the enormity of suffering, depression, self hatred, and externally inflicted slavery that left me completely desperate for answers.

I have finally managed to let go of my need for external validation by realizing the truth, and I have been totally set free from my emotional self-abuse. The truth is that I already have more feminine energy than I could ever want. While I physically am a male, inside I am both male and female, as are probably all people. This is what unity in source consciousness is, the realization that all is contained in self. The external world is based on duality, and as a man it can be totally maddening trying to unite with the caring, nurturing, beautiful feminine energy. It felt like I was wandering around in a desert for my entire adolescence and adulthood begging the universe to deliver me a taste of water, only to be let down over and over again times infinite. All I had were my fantasies and the desperate hope that one day they would eventually be realized.

I finally have been able to fulfill my life's dream, my life has now become heaven on earth, because I now have the goddess and it can never be taken away from me. This began with me noticing that by indulging in sexual fantasies without physically masturbating, I could draw feminine energy into my soul, and I could get my fix worshipping the goddess and enjoy her beauty. At first I didn't recognize what I had discovered, but with a little more experience, emotional and mental work, psychedelics, and luck or synchronicity, I am now in full conscious knowledge of the other side of myself that I had all along, but was unaware of, leading me to search for it endlessly like someone who lost their best friend.

What I do now if I am feeling lonely or desire, is I envision the goddess, or even my male side, and I make love to her/him, imagining out whatever desire comes to mind. I was programmed to lock off all sexual fantasies towards men or masculinity in general by our homophobic society, and I now accept that my feminine side loves cock, lol. Don't get me wrong, I am still physically a male, so physically, my body enjoys physical girls with physical feminine polarized energy. But my mind is now outside of the box that was built on fear to trap it. I now have no problems fantasizing about being a woman and being fucked by a man, because that is exactly what my feminine side likes!! This is called feminine-masculine integration, and ever since I have accepted this side of myself, I have felt so much infinitely better about life. I actually can see a female body in my astral-spirit body, it appears like an almost ghostly or imaginary overlay that surrounds my male body. And I have found that by focusing on my female spirit-body, my male instincts of goddess worship are actually completely satisfied. I no longer need the external world to provide me with gorgeous women to worship and capture, because I have a drop-dead stunner available on tap any time I want her.

It doesn't stop with just sexual fantasizing, not at all. The depth and beauty of male-female relations goes much deeper than just body-worship. My masculine side enjoys being admired, reassured, loved and all kinds of stuff, and my feminine side also enjoys being complimented, lusted-after, protected and everything else. Really, they both seem to like the same thing, and I am just putting "male", "female" labels on my own divinity, when in reality, in divine unity, there is no difference and it is just different aspects of the universal one. So I don't even really need to constantly fantasize about being a woman or being a man or worshipping a woman or worshipping a man, because I always and forever will be both, and have both energies constantly. But paradoxically, at the same time, I do enjoy playing the role or viewing the fantasy from a woman and/or man's perspective.

And this brings me to another aspect of male-female integration: telemorphing. Telemorphing, or shape-shifting in this context, is a technique I have discovered that is really quite fun, an under-statement. The way it works is that I can focus on my feminine side, and it is almost like I shapeshift into a woman, a female-version of myself. While I still have a male body, when I telemorph into a woman, I start acting like a woman, and damn it if I am not the hottest damn woman I have ever seen. It turns out that all of the work that I have done in the physical realm applied to both my masculine and feminine selves. Imagine a girl that spends hours a week exercising, tanning, eating vegan-only foods, eating spirit-food aka psychadelics, plays music, researches spirituality and truth, both in the internal world and the external, and also happens to be constantly loaded up on aphrodisiacs, and you begin to understand how my feminine side is. She is ridiculously horny to the point of putting porn-stars to shame, and I would know, because I have watched a lot of porn, although I don't any more.

This gorgeous woman, who I have now discovered is my soul-mate, will always be with me, and in fact is me. All the work my male side did to unite with her benefitted them both, and now that they have united it is total magic. I can telemorph into her if I feel like playing with my feminine side, and it feels like I am a goddess walking around attracting attention with her giant tits and amazing ass, as well as all her other beautiful features. It is more than fun to play with, and I have actually found that it makes me more confident with women, because I now understand what they want, because I am one. And I have solved my validation and emotional addiction issues, making me non-needy, non-attached to outcome, in a good mood, and confident in my value as a physical man and eternally divine being. I find that the environment I am in will actually react to my energy, and if I bring out my hot-ass feminine side, I actually am treated in a different way by people, and am better able to get the intended manifestation and outcome that I am looking for in the moment. For example, I can walk up to an attractive girl and bring out a little of my feminine energy and all of the sudden she is not uncomfortable or creeped out like girls used to be when I dared to approach them. It is almost like two girls are just talking, no creepy, overly desirous, threatening male energy to reject. Of course, my male side is always there as well, so they will naturally be attracted to that side of me, and that side of me will be attracted to them. It's a real win-win. I can show off my ASSets and admire theirs at the same time.

Not that I am even wanting to have a bunch of physical sex any more anyway. I find that there is a balance that has to be walked, a fine-line of tantric energy exchange without over-indulgence, that is the path to the best manifestation of freedom, abundance, and success in all worldly endeavors. It is my opinion that physical orgasms involving sperm entering a vagina should be saved for a certain time and place, the time and place where you want to make a physical baby and want to physically take care of it for many years. I am not at that time or place in my life yet, so I think it is best to avoid that type of sexual experience. I would rather be living in a sustainable way with a community of like-minded badasses and a totally healed world before I take on unnecessary responsibility. There is just too much work to be done for me to tie myself down or worry about the consequences of my lust.

But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the shit out of sexual energy, women, my own goddess, men, and life in general. Physical sexual energy exchange is a divine, heaven-on-earth experience when done right, and physical orgasm is totally optional. I find that you can get much more Bang for your buck by taking it slow, not pushing things, and not racing to physical release. Orgasm is called a "little death" in France for a reason, perhaps because it takes your life down a notch and can fuck a bunch of shit up. And any-ways, I don't really want to have sexual experiences with people who aren't total badasses because I don't want to absorb their negativity and share in their karma, but I can appreciate a little flirting if they are nice about it.

The sky is the limit and the truth is out there. As always there are only two mistakes on the path to Truth, not starting and not going all the way. Share what you've learned and don't be ashamed, Aho.