In many African traditions, after the bride price has been paid and the wedding ceremony is over, the bride goes to the husband's house and stays there for a while, depending on what the families have agreed. This can be difficult for the bride, who in addition to trying to adapt to married life, must now please the in-laws as well. But even for those who do not have to stay with their in-laws after marriage, the reality is that you will have to face them when they come to visit your home or family reunions.

Difficulties with mother- in-laws have been proven to be one of the main reasons why people divorce. If your mother-in-law hurts you repeatedly physically or emotionally, this can permanently damage your marriage. Here are a few ways to deal with it, which can protect you, your family and your future.

1. Remember that your gain can feel like her loss.

Try and practice empathy with your future mother-in-law. While you are excited about the start of this new phase of life with her son, for your MIL, this new phase can remind them that their "baby" is no longer a baby and all the complicated feelings that go with it . This can cause resentments, feelings of aging, anxiety about their relevance in their children's lives, fear of you shutting them out, feeling of being "replaced" ... even if these things are irrational. 

So when you think your MIL is trying to assert herself in such a way as to push your buttons, take a moment to remind yourself that it is probably less personal to you than to her. Empathy can only diffuse a situation by remembering that this woman is less your fighter than you potentially have in another period of 25 to 30 years.

2. Do not make your spouse choose sides.

Never make your spouse choose between you and his parents. It will be unfair to him. Remember that he loves you both, want you both, and you both mean so much to him. 

3. Detach yourself emotionally.

Think of her as an acquaintance and not your "other mother," unless the relationship is warm, friendly and family. Do not call her "Mother" or "Mother". She is not your parent or relative; you are on equal terms. Call her by her first name, unless you live (or your spouse) in a country in which it is considered rude to call your mother-in-law only by name. In this case, follow the custom about how to address her with respect and establish a name, with your spouse, you feel comfortable to call her. 

4. Don’t pick fights, but stand up for yourself.

You're an adult after all, you're big enough to be married, don’t you? It is normal and natural to have your own way of doing things - from little things like laundry to great things like celebrating a religious holiday. You have the right and you should consider yourself and your way of doing it, whether you feel it diminished verbally or intimidated behaviorally. It is important to feel comfortable with the way you want to raise your children or if you want to go to church in Easter (for example) because then you can verbalize your way of doing things and not “fold” under questioning.

Remember, your relationship with your mother-in-law is one that will last for a long time. The more you can do to make it blossom, the better!

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