Pornographic Misconceptions
Before I talk about ways to fight a porn obsessed culture, I’d like to be frank about a couple misconceptions men and women have about the subject.
Marriage and Porn Addiction
Women, before you get serious about a man, you need to have a frank and honest discussion about this topic. He needs to know you’re serious about this topic, and you need to know whether you can trust him. It’s that simple.
Don’t necessarily come out and directly ask “So, do you watch porn?” on your first date. Look for ways to bring it up. Maybe discuss human trafficking or your opinion on transgender bathrooms, there are no shortage of current topics floating around the internet that have a direct or indirect relation to the topic of sex.
Many of you are probably creative enough to breech the subject well enough to gauge his opinion of porn without directly asking if he’s addicted.
When you do get serious make it a point that there is no marriage until he commits to quitting this habit if you find out he has one. Don’t give a timetable. If he asks how long he has to go without ask him how frequently he would like you to text out sexual pictures of yourself to “friends”, it’s just about the equivalent.
Man, don’t think that just because you get married your problems are going to go away. If anything marriage just magnifies your porn addiction. Just because you’re having sex does not mean your appetite for the drug of porn is going to go away. In fact it may even increase.
Men, don’t think that you can just quit for a couple of months and be rid of the urge. Eventually it is going to come back. You’ll have withdrawal. You will still have the desire and the urges for quite some time. They may not be as strong as they were in the midst of the addiction period but they will still be there. I recommend that you be very honest with your wife-to-be or your wife about your problem. Let her know that you really want to kill it and it is not more important to you than she is. Ask for her help and accountability while fighting your urges.
What is Porn?
Some define porn as anything depicting anyone (attractive) in a state of undress. This is a rather awful definition. Porn is porn in the eye of the beholder. Pretty much anything can and has been used as porn.
Inversely, many things that are commonly seen as porn may not be to all all who perceive it. So don’t automatically assume all men are lusting at Victoria’s Secret posters in the mall.
Don’t assume every artistic nude is an automatic turn-on. But also, don’t be naive and assume that just because a woman (or man) is covered up that she (or he) can’t be the object of lustful thoughts.
Who watches this smut?
People from all walks of life ingest pornography. It’s not just a teenage male problem. It’s not just a male problem. In fact, there is a fair amount of push in our culture to encourage women to watch it so they can somehow be equal to men. Women can now share their addiction with their husbands, because that’s healthy.
Pastors watch it. Your children’s teachers watch it. Young kids are watching it. Even older people are watching it. If there was ever a “everybody’s doing it” excuse, it certainly belongs to porn.
What makes it bad?
I won’t go through the litany again, but I will tell you the worst part of porn addiction is the numbness it produces in normal sexual interactions. In order to maintain healthy sex, porn addicts often have to resort to sex toys or fantasy. They no longer simply enjoy sex, they must do something more provocative to get off.
Perhaps with some of these things out of the way, next week’s posts will make more sense. Check back Wednesday for an unconventional porn fighting idea that you may not have heard of before.
What's wrong with sex toys or fantasy?
You make that sound like a bad thing, but that sounds like a lot of fun.
As far as numbing goes, no, not at all. I love reading some hot porn novels just as much as I love getting lewd for real. >=3
I have no problem with sex toys or even playing fantasy games with your lover. I hope I didn't give that impression.
As far as numbing goes, it is more of a male problem. Between creating (or just straight up putting) images in his head and the over use of his own often underlubricated hands he becomes desensitized to both the visual and the physical sensations of sex.
This is also more of a problem in monogamous relationships. If you ingest enough sexually charged images or descriptions of other people it can create some dissatisfaction with your partner.
Ah.
I guess that makes sense. It just sounded like you were advocating for puritanism, which I think is an illogical, harmful ideal.
Oh definitely not. Being a prude about sex is just as harmful IMHO as being sex obsessed. It's all about balance.
Not true I had a girlfriend who ran into the same problem after we broke up. She ended up emotionally shutting down and having a ton of casual sex. Same effect. Totally shut down her sexual spirituality, just like porn would for me. It's not the porn, it's engaging in sex without heart and soul. If you're sharing porn with your lover or co-creating it together then you're using it to attach and bond. Porn is just a record of sexuality, either a fantasy or a physical sexual act. If people record themselves having sex it's called amateur porn but they'd be having sex all the same as if the camera was off. If someone writes an erotic story it's a record of their fantasy but you can co-write as well, or share stories back and forth and make it an activity between you two and it still doesn't change what's going on in your heads.
Also where do you get the assumption anyone is using lube?
I don't take issue with recording your own sex for each other. I'm referring to watching other people have sex and fantasizing about those people while you are having sex with your lover.
And in America we have a horrid practice called circumcision. We need lube.
"I'm referring to watching other people have sex and fantasizing about those people while you are having sex with your lover." So you have a problem with exhibitionists? Or do you have a problem with voyeurism? Either way each compliments the other and I'd say it's YOU that has the problem not them. If there were no voyeurs then exhibitionists would suffer. If there were no exhibitionists then voyeurs would suffer. Everyone has their kinks.
"And in America we have a horrid practice called circumcision. " You're right that is a horrid practice and it needs to stop. Just don't assume everyone is circumcised. Oh and try some coconut oil sometime it works wonders as a lubricant (also good for shaving) and it's good for the skin. More discrete that way too.
If a girl tried dictating my sexuality I'd dump her. Simple as that. If she can't accept who I am or what I'm into, porn or not, my kinks, my limits, anything, then she can shop elsewhere. Whether I'm inclined to give up porn or not is not up to her and quite frankly if she were to ask me to give up porn (or conversely insist I start viewing something I'm not comfortable with) I'd tell her to screw off. Telling your lover not to view porn is equivalant to violating them. It's just as if you were to tell them they MUST watch porn, when they are clearly not comfortable with it at all in order to be with you. Would you tell a devoted catholic girl that prides herself on her purity to watch hardcore kinky BDSM just so she could date you, even if she wasn't comfortable with it? No of course not. So why would you ask a man or a woman to give up porn because YOU had a problem with it? If you have a problem with porn then simply be up front about that before you get involved. To do anything less is deceptive.
That being said, from my own experience, I generally lose interest in porn as I get more and more involved and emotionally attached to my lover and she to me. Porn just becomes less interesting and less attractive. I don't fight it so much as it's just not as appealing. What turns me on is connection and attachment, porn doesn't have that. It FAKES it but it doesn't truly have it, that's why you feel empty afterwards. In fact when you compare a real relationship with porn there's a noticeable difference. I can't really understand how anyone could want porn over a real live human being.
"I won’t go through the litany again, but I will tell you the worst part of porn addiction is the numbness it produces in normal sexual interactions."
This is true to an extent but not to the extreme you would imply. It's also true of casual sex so I would say it's true of all sexual acts which are not based on emotional and spiritual connection but merely physical lust. This can be fixed however with COMMUNICATION and by developing emotional a sexual spiritual relationship with your lover. This is one reason I'm against the shaming of porn in the first place because to do so in turn shames and surpresses one's sexuality. Not every aspect of one's sexuality one is always ready to admit to. Some things indeed aren't even healthy to act out physically. If you're into snuff or necrophilia that's DEFINITELY something you don't want to act out physically lest you get charged with murder or robbing the morgue or something. (Btw just for the record those are two kinks that exceed my personal limits so yeah.... shudders not interested.) Or you might have a kink that your lover does not and can only express it via fantasy (unless you're implying in this whole article you approve of having an affair to explore such things or perhaps develop a polyamorous relationship). Or one might be traumatized and be into something but too ashamed to talk about it. I mean there's a dozen different reasons one might be into porn. So no I do not approve of this kind of thought control. Better either to be up front with your lover about how you are uncomfortable with porn and not pursue the relationship or be accepting and pursue communication and intimacy.
" In order to maintain healthy sex, porn addicts often have to resort to sex toys or fantasy. They no longer simply enjoy sex, they must do something more provocative to get off."
And what's wrong with that? We had kinks long before we had the internet. Indeed we had porn long before we had the internet. So really what's wrong with being kinky? Seriously this is where you start sounding puritanical.
"Man, don’t think that just because you get married your problems are going to go away. " I the man don't have a problem. There are plenty of women who are fine with porn. She the woman wanting me to quit to suit her puritan and self centered views is the one with the problem and is going to get dumped for it.
Also if a woman can't come out and directly talk about sex she probably wouldn't be involved with me in the first place as I'm not one to do the cloak and dagger thing in the first place. I'm very open and honest about my opinions and positions on things. I don't know about the rest of you, maybe you all like being subtle and covert, but I prefer just coming out and talking about it.
What does porn have to do with gender neutral bathrooms or human trafficking? I'm against human trafficking. I'm for gender neutral bathrooms (though personally I find them a bit odd but I think that's just cultural conditioning). But neither of these has anything to do with free speech which is what porn falls under. It's a record of one's sexual fantasies and the ability to communicate them.
"She the woman wanting me to quit to suit her puritan and self centered views is the one with the problem and is going to get dumped for it."
Ironically you display the same selfishness by saying you wouldn't be willing to give up your addiction for her.
No since I'm not asking her to change who she is for me. I'm not asking her to take up porn. I'm simply asking her to be honest about her preferences in the first place same as I would anyone. I wouldn't insist a necrophiliac stop liking dead people but I'm just not into that. I wouldn't ask a Domme to stop wanting to assert control but given I'm not that submissive most of the time it just wouldn't work out. Same with if she wasn't into porn. If she's uncomfortable with that then that's fine. I'm not asking her to change, I'm asking her to be honest with what she likes and doesn't like. But that doesn't mean I'm going to change for her in order to be with her. Same as I wouldn't start being more subby just to suit a Domme or start getting into corpse loving for the necrophiliac. I'm not going to violate my own limits and preferences just to suit someone else. She can go find a guy that's more prudish and be happy.
I have no objection to porn whatsoever. I repeat if she couldn't accept me as I was then she wouldn't be right for me. I have plenty of limits of the kind of people I filter out. I'm extremely kinky to start with. I'm not going to date someone who gets bent out of shape over porn.
lol. pastor watch it! lol. holy cow!