Happy Father's Day, Dad. You weren't entirely useless.

You may have read me recently pulling apart my Dads personality in a ruthless manner. I do this a lot. My Dad was my Achilles heel in life before he died. He knew he could mould and manipulate me into whatever he wanted to. I was so desperately afraid of my Dad that I was willing to do anything to have a smooth life with him; to stop the emotional torture that he seemingly loved to inflict upon me. It's hard to learn anything new when you have that constant voice nagging you in the back of your mind that you're a failure, a useless son, or the milkman's son as he'd often joke with me.

Even as he was on his deathbed and he was telling how proud of me he was -- I couldn't but help think how much of that was the alcohol talking, and the success he was congratulating me of was nothing to do with him.

It wasn't until he died and a few years had gone by that I began to make huge strides in my overall well-being. As I said to one other Steemian; his death was when I started to blossom; grow outwards like a beautiful flower in the summer. I began to make huge waves in life, and reach levels of awareness that I thought illusionary previously. My Dad DID teach me a great deal, though, and in a way I feel I was lucky to have him around in a sense, because he didn't teach me much good in my life, but by observing him he certainly taught me what to avoid.

Friends

Dad had a lot of people he called friends. One year he took me to the lake district to meet all his amazing friends. I met John, his lodger that lived with him when he was away from University. Then there was this other guy that would walk his dog and had his own pub. Dad would tell me how best buds these people were to him. He took me all over England eventually, and we met lots of amazing people from all walks of life. Some people in small houses with blue collar jobs, and other people in near-mansions high up in their industry. Yeah, Dad had more friends than I could physically count. But in the end? When he was on his deathbed, supping his pink Lambrini and recollecting the amazing life he lead? There were about 4 people there. And about 10 at his funeral. Most of which were his family.

He taught me how flaky people were. If there was a pinnacle of flaky people and plastic friend out there it would be a statue of my Dad. To my Dad people were tools to be used and then dropped when he didn't need them anymore. So he met and made friends with people that were just that; similar to him.

I learned to value the people that come into my life; to hold them dearly, and no matter where I go to keep in contact. Long lasting friendships are a good thing.

Relationships

Dad had four failed marriages and god knows how many affairs. Every single woman that Dad had in his life he pushed away. Even his very last marriage with his wife that could have seen him to the end -- she got up one day and left. Left him on his own. With no-one. And sadly, that was Dads own fault. Dad wanted his cake and to eat it too. Even at his funeral the lady that he had been seeing on and off since Mum was married to my Dad, came along and told us that they were regularly in touch. That's over 40 years! Through Mum, through his other three Marriages, and god knows how many mistresses. Crazy, right?

If there's one thing that stuck with me is that I learned openness and honesty in my communication with partners. I'm all for having a different slice of life when it comes to sex and relationships but there definitely needs to be mutual consensus and open communication for anything to work. Dad taught me this. He taught me that if I was going to be secretive deceitful and frolicy then it's going to end me up with a string of failed relationships and a sad and lonely life.

Family

I never learned anything positive from my Dad as a Father. I don't think I was even hugged by him or anything fatherly like that. All I seen was the disapproving side of what I shouldn't be doing rather than what I should be doing. I learned a lot from the negativity that oozed through his pores when it came to me. It also frustrated me a great deal that he treated his friends completely different to what he did me. So I did it differently.

Alex gets SO much love from me; attention, hugs, kisses, personal time -- you name it, we have it. And my friends play second fiddle to my family.

Work

I kept your work ethic Dad. I must admit, you were a damn work horse. Even on your last legs, not able to go a second without alcohol you always tried to have yourself a place to work. I remember reading an appraisal from 1987 about you leading a team of over 600 men and the responsibilities that must have brought with it. Yeah. This was a good thing I kept. You certainly earned your way through life, and I'll take my hat off to you on that part.

Further thoughts

Probably the greatest lesson I learned in life was that we're all just human at the end of the day. You taught me that. Yes, you did. I remember as I watched the once fearless manipulator that threatened to pound me into dust if I didn't do what you wanted disintegrate in front of me. What I thought was a super-confident omnipotent powerhouse of a man, was at the end of the day just a frightened old man who hadn't been shown the love he craved as a child. I realised that we all have our stories to tell; our beginnings, our great achievements, our failures, the paths we take, the loves we found and lost. As I watched you slowly deteriorate day by day, you reminded me that you were me once upon a time.

And I vowed never to let that happen to me.

Never.

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