I do not want to stir the pot but I think that your father might be the root problem here, he seems mentally abusive and I think he instilled in you this insecurity about yourself. A lot of very insecure men try to make woman feel small and erode them down to nothing. Insecure men in general. My Mother was abusive both mentally and physically and tragically, like most people, I ended up dating people. Every woman or man I ever dated, save one, were a version of my mother. It was like I obsessively recreated the dynamic subconsciously hoping to this time win and have the happy ending iso wanted as a child with my parents. Happy ending never happened of course and with every failed relationship I felt more damaged . It took me decades to realise that there was nothing wrong with me but everything wrong with my mother and the choices in partners I was making. I am still work in progress when it comes to love but realising that I was the survivor and not the problem went a long way to making my life better. Year later and wiser I look back on these men and women and am like Wha the hell was I thinking and with some there is a real ew factor, Comes to find out that i was so focused on seeming "worthy" that I totally over looked how unworthy they were. I think you are sort of the on the same boat just not as far along on the journey yet. But i think you need to get away to your own space to be able to heal and find out who you really are ... It gets better I promise ...
Thank you :) Honestly, my dad is extremely pushy at times, but he's a great father. I definitely have some baggage on me from the things I've gone through in my life and I tend to look for distraction in men during difficult times and it always ends up going south. I always keep my head up though I've been through a lot and one thing I've learned and the motto I live by is it's just a moment, and moments pass. I think in more posts you'll be able to see what a lot of my problems actually are there's a lot going on in my head haha. My dad can be ridiculous sometimes, but in terms of pushing me too hard, I think it's necessary with someone like me. I don't push myself and I've been letting my life escape me. So although he has made me feel insecure, he always reassures me that I am destined for amazing things and he just wants me to actually do something about it rather than sit around watching life pass me by. I'm sorry to hear about your mom though. I'm glad you have come to a better point in your life and I look forward to your input in future posts <3 Also, this is my stepdad. I actually do know a lot of my insecurities in relationships do come from my biological father lmao but I work through it. I'll talk more about that in future posts.
ok love chin up <3