Marriage: I'm learning on the job!

“I am the head of this house and you will be the Christian woman that you are and submit to my authority on this matter!” I snapped at my wife as we made our way home from the mall. 

 “Okay” she replied coldly. “Do what you want to do and thanks for reminding me you are the man here.” 

I had my way. And we lived happily ever after. I wish!  

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We were just about three months old in marriage when we had the above exchange. It was only one of many. Up until then, it was simply beyond me how my wife could be so blind to my ‘superior’ and wisdom-laden decrees suggestions. I had counselled her times without number on the need to change and begin to acquiesce in matters that are beyond her cerebral capacity (which happen to be any matter I had an opinion about)! 

Today makes it exactly 363 days we have been married and I am glad to inform all Steemians that my wife, after several battles and arm twisting, has not changed. Rather, I have.

It used to be super important to me that the things I  considered good and important for us were done. Whatever it would take to get them done was perfectly fine, including bullying and charging (not literally of course!) through my wife any opposition. The end justifies the means right? Wrong. In marriage, the means is as important as the end. Many times we are blinded by the things we want to achieve and care less about how we get them. So we hurt the people we love. 

Those early days I could get so focused on what I thought needed to be done and my wife’s emotions and feelings were the least of my worries in those times. Sincerely, I really wasn’t seeking any self-serving end. On the contrary all I wanted was what would be most beneficial for us, especially her. So if I had to bully her and invoke my “divine” right to veto decisions as the “head” of the home, whether she agrees or not, so be it. The problem was it had to be my way or the high way. I usually would get what I wanted but end up losing what I needed; that sense of peace and connection with my wife. It was never worth it.

I have learnt. Now when we both seem to disagree on a particular course to take, instead of going ballistic on her for being deaf to the voice of reason, I try to genuinely see from her point of view. Borrowing Steven Covey’s words, I seek first to understand, then to be understood. So the construct of my words at such times is something like this: 

“Honey, I believe we both want the same thing even though we may differ on how to get there. You must have a very good reason for not agreeing with me on this. I trust your sense of judgement and maybe I am overlooking something. I am very open to changing my stance on this matter. Please explain what you have in mind.”

With this soft approach, the outcome is usually better, more often than not. In fact, many times she doesn’t really mind my final decision because what she wants is just to be listened to and heard out, to know that her opinion counts. Since taking this approach, I have learnt that my wife is not intelligent. She is super intelligent! She has a very unique way of making connections between seemingly unrelated concepts and events which I would never be able to make operating at a hundred percent of my brain power! 

I can’t say how many family and business disasters ‘I’ have ‘single-handedly’ averted because I had the wisdom to follow her advice to the letter. I would be lying if I say I have fully metamorphosed into a patient and understanding husband. Sometimes I simply forget and revert to my old unproductive ways. Thankfully, they are not frequent occurrences anymore. 

 Am I still the head of the home? Hell yes! Do I still insist on having my way being the head of the home? Hell no! I’m I happier in my marriage since I started listening more to my wife and letting her have her way sometimes? Hell yes! One year and counting. I can’t wait to spend the next 70 years with this amazing lady.