Searching for Authentic Compassion

For 52 years I have lived in constant survival mode in one way or another never quite feeling as if I belonged on this planet and playing either ‘up close and personal’ or ‘from a distance’ with death. I’ve pushed myself to extremes at every turn trying to just feel as if I belonged. Here I am once again facing death with this recent diagnosis of cancer, yet this time I am happy to say that something major has shifted in the past few weeks of looking deeply within. I have realized that years of being in survival mode and constantly feeling the need to prove my 'right to exist' has become something far worse than the fear of death. It has slowly morphed into the fear of life.

‘Dying is easy, it’s living that scares me to death.’ ~ Annie Lennox

When a friend recently called a gathering together to talk about and process what 'authentic compassion' means to each of us, I must admit that it caused the slight puzzled ‘head tilt’ response from me and triggered me into a whole little process. Of course, I started by looking up the definitions and clearing up differences in my personal perceptions.

I wondered is this the definition of Authentic Compassion? ;-)

'When you become totally concerned with the Welfare
of Others — without any sense of self-importance — it is
only with that complete commitment and simplicity and humility
and humor — that is engendered by taking on the impossible
task of Selfless Giving and doing it anyway — perfectly —
without any sense of self — that real progress begins to occur. That is the preparation for the higher Enlightenment. — It is a Noble Endeavor' — Rama

If it is the definition, then I believe that it makes ‘authentic compassion’ the antidote to all of the suffering in our world. ;-)

As I sat with what Authentic Compassion really meant, the first question that I asked was what is the definition of compassion and how is it different from sympathy, empathy or altruism? What I found is that the definition of compassion is often confused with that of sympathy and empathy. I found that sympathy is the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another. Empathy is the visceral or emotional experience of another person’s feelings. It is, in a sense, an automatic mirroring of another's emotion, like tearing up at a friend’s sadness. Altruism is an action that benefits someone else. It may or may not be accompanied by sympathy, empathy or compassion, for example in the case of making a donation for tax purposes. Although these terms are related to compassion, they are not the same. Compassion often does, of course, involve a sympathetic or empathic response and an altruistic behavior. However, compassion is defined as the emotional response when perceiving suffering and involves an authentic desire to help.

More studying brought me back to scientific proof that most infants and chimpanzees spontaneously engage in helpful behavior and will even overcome obstacles to do so. They apparently do so from intrinsic motivation without expectation of reward. (keyword: without expectation of reward!!) As Mr. Mandela stated so beautifully “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” It is not surprising that compassion turns out to also be a natural tendency since it is essential for human survival.

It’s why it’s so important to reconnect and stay connected with the Core. That place that has never been traumatized or tarnished in anyway. Purity! The soul essence, I suppose! ;-) Before we were domesticated, before we were introduced to duality, before we became traumatized human beings.

I also found this quote in my qwest to understand what Authentic Compassion meant.

“An authentic attitude of compassion doesn’t change, even faced with another person’s negative behavior.” ~ Dalai Lama

This guided me into looking at the difference between Authentic Compassion and Conditional Compassion. I mean the truth is that it’s easy to have what might be called conditional compassion. Compassion for certain people or certain groups of people. And a lack of compassion for other people or groups of other people. And it also might change depending on the situation, with statements like “they deserve what they got.” While they might not be where you think they should be consciously, those with authentic compassion would still have compassion in our hearts. Not judgments, opinions or blame.

To me, an authentic attitude of compassion means that it applies to everyone in every situation. It is (at least for me) incredibly difficult to do. Even absent negative behavior (presumably directed towards me), I can have difficulties even feeling (much less showing) compassion towards some people. I know it still lies in a lack of Compassion for myself.

Having that authentic, deep rooted compassion is the key to the Dalai Lama’s saying I think, yet the test is how my compassion withstands the negative behavior of the other person. Can I still feel (and show) compassion, even after ‘they’ have done something that I perceive to be mean or hurtful? That’s a test I regularly fail, yet I’m getting better with each new awareness.

Lack of compassion can harden the heart and can form a callous on our soul. I remember the day that I saw my callousness for the very first time? Our non-duality processing group had just watched ‘The Last Mountain’ (a movie about mountain top mining in the Appalachians.) I found myself devastated emotionally and mad as hell that they were blowing up the mountains, yet could have cared less that the people beneath the mountains were dying from the chemical run off. I was trapped in ‘they deserve what they get’ or as my father often said ‘if they are too damn dumb to know better.’

Having compassion that has an expiration date or a limit per person per day, or has conditions attached, is better than nothing, yet I truly want more. I want to be capable of authentic compassion all the time. I don’t feel like I’m even close at the moment and all I know to do is keep working with all the tools in my tool box on my compassion in the tough situations.

What I do know for sure is that a Lack of Compassion truly succeeds in cheapening life and making all human interactions more difficult. It dulls the brilliant colors of life and mutes the beautiful music that accompanies it.