ONLOVE #3 Particular loveletter

NOTE: I start off harsh, but I'll get softer. So keep on reading.

You have made me feel like I was worth something to you, when we spoke on the phone at 4 a.m. (I guess that's not an any-girl-thing) But you've also made me feel like I was worth nothing to you, when you ignored what I apped. Well maybe you didn't ignore it, maybe you were in doubt or didn't make up your mind, anyways you didn't involve me in your present feelings for that matter.

I would never know what you'd mean. I did know that your friends think you're just a smooth talker, luring women in. Driving them insane and releasing them. But I don't know, it doesn't fit you. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, it is true and I should give the fuck up.. Still, I'm not sure..

So, we spoke on the phone a few days ago. You layed down everything that went wrong between us, and how you'd love to be with me but basically said you couldn't. You said we should sit down sometime, and I, in my dominant nature, called you the day after to discuss everything, more sober. You didn't awnser. Another day after that you responded with a "You know I was frustrated".

I hated to talk on the phone.. No. I loved talking to you, I hated the fact that I couldn't make it easier for you. That I couldn't take some of your frustration away and let you know that whatever anyone says, I'm not gonna back down any more.

For now, since you gave me the idea that I didn't listen to you, here is everything you said to me, and my response:

[x] You friend told you I was with him a week before I was with you.
Well yes, I'm a grown-ass woman and I get to decide with whom I spend my days and nights. I was vulnerable when I saw him and he helped me out. If I'd known I'd speak to you a week after him, I wouldn't have gone. I mentioned you too, like I did when I started dating him. It's because I wanted to understand you a bit better, I figured I might get some closure for talking to him about you. I clearly didn't. He might even be envious of me being with him and still talking about you. I don't know. He's probably another guy who fucked a girl and now he's stuffing it in your face, just because. He's a good guy, i'm just pissed that you reacted so mad about it.

[x] You went to that hipster party you told me you hated so much with him
What's up with that bro? The stupidest thing is, you're both telling me that you're acquintences, yet you're friends? Please just stop lying to me. You thought that party is for fake hipsters and you're not intersted. Now you're telling me you've been there? What the F. It makes me wonder: Are you still being true to yourself?

[x] Another friend told you that I wanted to be with him but couldn't because I like you.
Another middle school prank. Is he kidding me? Yes, it is possible to get attracted to other people, but then again: A few years ago when I found out you two were friends, I asked him about you. He was vague about it, I wanted to know more and overall we never did anything so I'll just keep being nice to him. He should really stop being an asshole about it. The point is, I wanted you.

[x] My septum; I did it for you.
Well that statement is a bit over the top. I always wanted a nosering, but since I showed you a picture of a girl with blue hair and a septum a few years ago, and you liked it so much I decided I should be a septum. I knew you liked it. The more I'm writing this, the more I feel like a crazy bitch and it makes me feel insecure.. Ahwell pulling through.

[x] Your friends don't think we're gonna make it
When we were in a bar, where we probably knew we were going to be there, my little sister asked one of your friends if we're ever getting together. He said no, "Their past is too complicated". Like holy damn, is it? Well, it is, haha. I gets funnier to me every time. I get back to you a lot. I'm just not really interested in other/new guys. Period (don't get me wrong I will move on if we stay put too long, but there is always a place in my heart for you).

[x] You wanted to try living with me, but you're not sure
.. and you didn't wanne pay. Well no. I'm not gonna force you to pay the first month of trying, yess if we like it and it works for months, it's a responsibility to share. I can cater to you once in a while but I'm not aunt Duo. I ain't rich either.

[x] Working abroad, taming Alpaca's
You should do it. If you want that, please go. I can't, not right now, I have to show the world that I do have a brain by succesfully finishing university and doing something meaningful with that. I was busy finding myself these last couple of years so I'll have to start at the bottom, I know you're done studying and I hope you will find something that means something to you in life. I know happiness doen't lay in money, wealth, it probably is in travelling and living in the woods close to nature. For now I want to know more about the human brain, it interests me.

[x] You told your friend how you really started to like me
Please tell me too, in that moment. Let me know how you feel when you're feeling it and I won't try and bite your head off. Let me know where you are, I'll come through for you, you can come to me. If we want this, we need to do this together, everybody else can be opinioated but it shouldn't matter. It's all about us.

Summary:
We've played games on eachother for years, causing us to lose faith, turning cold and walking away. I still walk around with a sense of wanting to "fix" things between us, but you might be with somebody else right now or maybe you're just not that into me anymore. That's okay, I can imagine that between all the rants it's hard to be attracted to this emotional, all over the place mess. Haha.

I'm so sorry for making it hard for you to like me. I'm dominant, I'm busy, I am a big personality, easily disctracted, make stupid mistakes. I'm harsh, I take things the wrong way, I SUCK at whatsapp (I hate it. It's useful for setting dates, but conversation must be held on the phone calling or face to face) I'm sorry for that, I'll be easier on you.

I can say that I'm more at peace now. I don't have to go and seek attention from men to validate me. I can honestly say I want you, and now you're not showing me that you want me too, I can get ready to move on.

Let me tell why I wrote all of this. I want you to know that the next time I see you, I won't be poking you angerily, looking you dead in the eye or ignoring you (because I felt hurt since you didn't respond to my text) I'm just gonna be that girl you once knew. No pressure.

If you're taking another chance on me I'll tell you this. You have the power to calm me down, I ain't backing down no more. When we are together alone we can chill, get to know eachother, listen to music, I can watch your games, you can hear me sing and see me dance. We'll have to do some faith restoring, but we'll get there. Another reason why I like you so much is that you kept on trying. I'd love to hear your take on this but I don't wanna force things if you choose to live with me then everything will happen with time. Don't be insecure, you're awesome, I am too. Thanks for reading.

I have love for ya! xx