Do not abandon me…

I have been accompanied for many years by a fear of sickly abandonment.

The Fear of abandonment is a recognized phobia. It is a psychological state of permanent feeling of insecurity linked to an irrational fear of being abandoned. The person who suffers from a state of abandonment is in need of affection to fill an original lack.

This fear began to manifest at home at the age of 10, to my friends, and later with my first love relationships. It is translated to me by anxiety, hyper-emotivity often leading to anxiety attacks, depression and of course a great possessiveness. In friendship as in love, it pushes me to ask always more affection, more evidence, more link to feel reassured. Of course, I'm never really and if you do not fit me, I tend to fall into exclusive and fusional relationships.

This fear pushes me to have disproportionate reactions. I get attached very quickly and develop very strong feelings for the people around me. I love passionately. Unlike some, I do not stop looking to create links for fear of being disappointed. My hypersensitivity makes me feel my relationships very intensely. But the disappointments are only more brutal. I can panic and feel rejected if he is a few minutes late, if a plan falls through the water, or if I notice a decrease in attention to me.

These elements are already an obvious handicap in terms of social and emotional relations. But they are accompanied on the one hand even darker, what I call "self-sabotage". I have this tendency to push the other one to the end. I get carried away for futile subjects, I provoke the argument and often the rupture, by exhaustion. When I do this, I am aware of what I am doing, but I am no longer in charge. I see myself acting. I see myself destroying, without being able to change anything.

In the end I find myself alone again. I still pushed someone to leave me, and I can tell myself that I was right to be afraid. That we always end up abandoning myself. That I'm not worth it. I comfort myself in my own fears, my anxieties, and I prevent myself from moving forward. I lived like that for many years. Unable to build something serious with someone.

I hope to change. I'm working on it. I hope to see the results fast enough not to fuck this relationship again. And fuck him up. He who is so different. He who is so sensitive. He who understands me and supports me more than anyone before. I want to change for Him but more importantly, It makes me want to change for me.