Tie The K(NOT)

" Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Chorinthians 13:7

As a child, it is my dream to wear a long white dress, walk down the aisle and profess my vow to the one I truly love. I was raised to believe in happily ever afters. I knew at a very young age that somewhere in this world, there will always be that someone who is destined to be with you.

Nothing excites me better than marriages. To me, it is more than just a union of two people in love but a celebration of God's gift and blessings. To have someone to share your life with is probably one of the greatest things that the Heavens could ever give. You'll never be lonely for you have found your better half.

Just today, I attended two weddings. Today was a real roller coaster of emotions. I was happy, terrified, overwhelmed, furious... I saw a friend took his vows to his bride. I saw how the bride responded with the same emotion. In deed, the best feeling in this world is the feeling of being in love.

Once upon a time, I was way too joyful of the idea of getting married. Like the two couples who vowed before God of everlasting love, I wanted to settle down with the man I truly love.

Whenever I look at him before, I felt grateful. I must have done something good to deserve this person. I saw the future in his eyes. He's gonna be my husband, I'll wake up right next to him. He'll send the kids to school. He'll take good care of me. He'll share my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my joys, my triumphs, my failures. Right at that moment, I knew he was someone I wished to spend the rest of my life with. He then promised me the bond of marriage. I was hopeful of his promise.

I started planning out my dream wedding... From the gown, to the venue, to the invitation card, to the wedding playlist. With Etta James' At Last on the list, I planned every single detail of it. I thought of no one else but him as I was looking into wedding posts on Pinterest.

Things changed after we broke up. I started to ask questions why... I started to question love. I grew several doubts in my head. I looked at the bride as she takes her steps to the groom. I put myself on her shoes, I closed my eyes and felt the moment. My eyes started to blur because if I were her, I would have ran away from everyone else.

In an instant, I saw how my heart turned the opposite. I don't believe in love as much as I did. Marriage to me now is a little burden. How will I trust my life into someone I barely know? How sure am I if our love is forever? What if he leaves? What if he falls out of love? What if he finds someone else?

I saw people come and go. People will leave you if your existence is not convenient for them anymore. The thought of tying the knot now scares me. It makes me really sad, so sad that I wish I would believe in love again after series of letting go's. I wish love would come and make me believe of its magic...again.

For now, marriage is my least priority. If ever I'll get married someday, I will make sure that ours is real, genuine - that he's the one God spared for me.

(Photo credits: www.pinterest.com)