How can we always have love?
Hugo said, "what is the year for love? It's a minute and a century. It is said to be a minute because in the sweetness of love it is as fleeting as lightning; it is said to be a century because it builds upon us the eternal happiness of life.
Love is the most talked about topic in our life, the most touching topic, but also the most misunderstood topic. Now that love is so important, let's talk about love today in conjunction with the Harvard Happiness lesson, about how to make love last forever, how to get a sweet sense of happiness in love.
No Man Is An Island
Communication between people is a natural need, no one is an island, no one can live and grow out of interpersonal relationships.
A study of extremely happy people: Professor Martin Seligman chose the happiest group of volunteers to study happiness, who experienced difficulties, anxiety, tension, depression and depression as well as others.
But they recover more quickly than ordinary people, in other words, they have a stronger emotional immune system. And one of the reasons they have a stronger emotional immune system is that they have strong relationships, whether they are lovers, soul mates or close family members.
Why does intimacy affect our emotional recovery? The answer is that when you are happy, you will share happiness with those close to you who really care, and that will magnify your happiness and make each other happy. This is a win-win situation.
And when you go through hardships, having close relationships can help you overcome difficulties. So whether it's from negativity to zero, or from zero to happiness, intimacy can significantly help us become happier. "There's nothing more predictive of happiness than a close, nurtured, fair, close, lifelong relationship," says David Myers, a Hope College psychology professor.
The term "relationship" is divided into broad sense and narrow sense, but everyone can benefit from it. Men usually benefit more because men have something to share, and women often share happiness and sadness with specific female friends. The two sex groups, whether heterosexual or homosexual, can benefit from intimacy.
When it comes to intimacy, we have to talk about marriage. Then what is marriage? There's a movie line that says very well: "When you open your eyes in the morning, she's there; when you come home at night, she's there; when you eat, she's there; when you sleep, she's there; it sounds terrible, but it's not, if you find the right person, it's good to get married."
The fragile "fresh" relationship in marriage
As far as marriage is concerned, the first thing we have to mention is the extramarital affair, which is one of the most important factors leading to the breakdown of marriage. Today, two-thirds of the world's extramarital affairs end in divorce, which is pessimistic, but it doesn't mean that the remaining one-third of marriages are doing well.
Of course, this does not mean that all relationships should not be broken, because not every relationship is appropriate. It's like no one predicts to the couple at the wedding: "You're just temporarily together, you may divorce, you may not be separated until death." What I want to say is that many marriages end in quiet despair, and many of these relationships either shouldn't end or can actually be good.
Everyone in a relationship wants to continue the love and passion they had at the beginning of the relationship, which is the original promise of love. But apparently it often backfires, and one of the main reasons is that love, especially desire and passion, wears out over time.
We know that new things can always lead to humanity and produce higher hormone levels. That explains why so many relationships have broken down, but the question is, is this necessarily part of our nature? The answer is yes or no.
Saying yes is because novelty is more stimulating to us, and we are good at adapting to this stimulus change, so it must be part of our nature.
Saying "no" is because when new things happen, we will become more motivated. Whether cognitive, psychological, or physical, physical, we are adapted to the changes over time, whether the changes are good or bad. So this ability is great if it's not for the good outcome, if it's not for the experience of finding a lover. But when we encounter such things as "third party", what should we do?
Let's share with a Tal teacher's research: who is the most handsome man in the United States and the most beautiful woman. After some research and debate, Tal came to a scientific conclusion --- Brad Pitt and Halle Berry.
In the experiment, Tal led the researchers to imagine that if you found your Brad or Halle, one of them was a gold-sucking, high-powered handsome man, the other a white, beautiful, long-legged man. They love you as much as you love them, and then you get married, you're happy, you're full of energy to live together for five years.
With this imagination, with the memory of your life with Brad or Halle, you participate in this psychological experiment to measure your level of physical excitement at this time. Wait for a while, then change to another attractive person (except Brad or Halle star), retest. When you measure it again, your body's levels of excitement are much higher than when you were carrying Brad or Halle's life memory. Why? Because novelty is always more attractive, new things will stimulate you more.
That's why so many relationships end up falling apart, with the best and most sincere intentions at first, but the result is nothing more than a deep quagmire. This research result is not good or bad. It is only objective and based on facts.
If we want to have the happiness of love and a healthy marriage, what we need to do is to accept nature first, so that we can control it. Given the fact that new things are more exciting, how can we create a healthy, long-lasting, happy relationship?
Understand the meaning of true love
The first step before accepting reality and wanting to create long-term relationships is to understand the true meaning of true love.
Does true love exist? In movies and novels, so many lovers speak perfect lines and create perfect love that they exaggerate more than the description of love in life.
Leo Buscaglia, a world-renowned orator and writer, wrote about love relationships: "Perfect love is indeed rare, because being a lover requires that you always have the acumen of the wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensibility of the artist, the understanding of philosophers, the tolerance of saints, the tolerance of scholars and the certainty of the person." Fortitude ". In the face of such harsh conditions, who can do all that?
Perfect love does not exist, if you blindly expect their lover and their relationship so perfect, it is doomed to fail. When our expectations are higher than our lives, we are preparing for our failure.
Although perfect love does not exist, true love exists.
True love exists in imperfect life. True love is deep sympathy and love for the one you love, not willing to give up a bit. True love is a cup of water handed over by a lover when he is thirsty; true love is an open embrace when a lover is crying; true love is the thought that you can't sleep if I don't go home Ta flashes through your mind on the way home in a hurry; true love is the admonition that your lover "go home early" when you go out; true love is "as long as Ta is happy I want to The stubbornness of doing everything.
I think the vows I made when I entered the wedding hall were enough to express true love: "Whether poor or rich, whether healthy or sick, whether in good or bad circumstances, love is noble or low, no matter how high or low, love each other, never give up". Love lies in the details, in the insignificance of everything, in the sharing and understanding, in the listening and tolerance, which is the sign of a healthy relationship.
How to make love last longer
Now that we can understand the meaning of true love, how can we keep it going, instead of just remembering the beginning? Tal teacher combines some psychological experts' research, and talks about the following characteristics.
The first way to make love last longer is to work hard to cultivate and manage love.
Hard work is the best secret in the world, the secret of personal success and the secret of emotional success. There is no royal road to success. If we want to make a relationship beautiful, we have to work hard for it.
Although this seems common sense, in the age of online entertainment, people of any age are exposed to a large number of love-promoting movies, all of which stop when they get love. It also makes many people have wrong expectations about love, or, to be exact, about good relationships. Most people think that the key to having a good and lasting relationship is to find the right man and your Mr. Right. This is important, but it is wrong to focus on finding it.
In this regard, Teacher Tal mentioned two kinds of mentality in the happiness class - "fixed mentality" and "plastic mentality".
By contrast, we can apply it to love: we can think that the key to a happy relationship is to find the right person, which is equivalent to a "fixed mentality".
In such a state of mind, if our love affair has gone through a difficult period, what will happen next? We start to wonder, "No, I must have been wrong, I must have been wrong, I've been wrong, I've been wrong, I've been wrong Mr. Right," and this "search mentality" is often the cause of our relationship burning out. Because this search mentality is fixed, we mistakenly believe that "find the destined person, find their own goddess," will be the perfect love. But the reality is always cruel, we can not divorce from reality, and reality proves that perfect love does not exist at all.
But if we conversely embrace the mentality of nurturing relationships, that mentality is plastic, and it is precisely related to our efforts. With a "plasticity" in the face of some of the inner doubts that arise in our relationship, we will talk in our hearts, "Our emotions are in trouble, we are experiencing hardships, but not afraid, because we are trying to improve, we are trying to solve problems."
I think the results of our relationship are far different from those of our "fixed" and "plastic" mentality. Now think carefully about your life experience, why are people so stubborn about this "love seeking mentality"?
One of the main reasons is the information we are exposed to. Nowadays love movies are so wonderful that they show us that love is possible and everything can be beautiful. But the film is a bit not good, the film focuses on finding the right person, which is gradually eroding our psychology, and consolidating the people in love in the "search mentality". Most love movie stories are always like this, the early from the struggle, quarrel, entanglement, choice challenges, but to the end of the screen before the protagonists are always happy together.
It makes us seem to see a happy ending, but the problem is, in reality, we need to work hard to manage love, starting at the end of the movie. What happens when the initial physical and physical instincts fade, when we realize that our partner is not perfect? When these problems arise, it's time for us to start running love, and that's when true love needs to be nurtured.
The second important way to maintain love is to make changes and be willing to understand each other.
From wanting to be recognized to wanting to be understood, if we want to remain passionate after love at first sight, after love, we have to develop deep intimacy with our partners. But how to cultivate it? Tal teachers suggest that we can get to know each other better by getting to know each other. If you are determined to let the other person know yourself, you must open your heart and reveal your feelings. It means sharing with each other, something wonderful about a date, something that's been suppressed for a long time, something that we're not proud of.
Although some people will question, "if he understands me in depth, he will not like me." Of course, after we gradually reveal the truth and open our hearts, there may be no obvious effect in a short time. But as time goes on, we will always be attracted to the truth, especially when our loved ones will gradually like you more.
Because you have a deeper understanding and intimate sharing, even if sometimes they don't agree or like what they've just learned about you. But over time, sincere people will attract others more; reveal the truth, will be more touching each other's heart; sincere sharing, will be more sure of each other. In fact, not only in love relations, any relationship is so, "true, true, true meaning" are rare and sublime.
The third way to make love last is to allow conflicts in love.
There is a common misconception about healthy relationships: healthy relationships are free from conflict, conflict, and entanglement, which is a serious misconception. Who dares say that lovers are not quarrelling? Who dares to say that his father and mother never dispute? This little editor is absolutely beyond belief. In fact, whether it is a heated dispute, or a peaceful conflict and other situations, will occur in any love, is any love will experience.
But disputes, conflicts or conflicts are also positive or negative. The study of organizational behavior shows that healthy conflicts are cognitive conflicts rather than emotional conflicts: cognitive conflicts challenge the objective reality in terms of people's behavior, ideas and concepts; unhealthy conflicts focus on people's emotions and themselves. Simply speaking, it is a healthy conflict to people, but not to people.
For example, when his wife left in the morning, the husband promised to throw away the rubbish from home, and when his wife came home at night, he found the rubbish was still there. If she says, "you lazy slacker, promise to throw rubbish without throwing it, I won't trust you anymore." This is an unhealthy conflict against individuals. On the contrary, if my wife says, "You said you were going to throw away the garbage and you didn't do it, I'm not happy to see the mess when I go home."
In the same way, two different attitudes have different consequences. The former involves people and shakes their trust in their husbands, while the latter deals with matters in a way that avoids negative emotions toward their husbands. At this time, the husband will also feel that he promised not to do in the first place after, leading to his wife home unhappy mood. It is very important to resolve unnecessary negative conflicts from the daily state of dialogue and subtle reactions in our relationships.
Another important aspect of conflict is that it makes us immune, just as the body of a person who has never had a cold is more capable of withstanding the virus than it was before. Love is so, so is a healthy love affair. If there are no minor conflicts in love, the long-term relationship will not be consolidated and strengthened, will become fragile, and when these contradictions and conflicts are unavoidable, the relationship will be difficult to sustain.
So any lasting love relationship is constantly working hand in hand to confront conflicts and contradictions, and we also need to use the second way to maintain a lasting love, need to know each other more. There is a golden rule: do not impose on others what you do not want. When applied to love relationships, we can al
Finally, the fourth point of a lasting and healthy relationship is positive cognition and appreciation of each other.
For a healthy relationship to last as long as it's new, partners must be perceivers of each other's strengths and appreciate each other. You know that if you don't appreciate each other, then the goodness will depreciate and become dull.
In a healthy relationship, we learn to appreciate our partner's self-discipline, not stubbornness; appreciate his sense of humor, not humor as a trick. These strengths will be strengthened by focusing on each other's strengths.
Studies have shown that successful long-term happy couples are not only perceivers of merit, but also have a positive illusion that their partner is much better than others. This also proves that we often say the saying "beauty in the eyes of lovers".
In addition to the sense of merit, Tal also proposed an element of "strengthening the relationship between lovers" - "excellence creation". There will be some unseen points between lovers, so if you can make these points into advantages, positive amplification, this is in practice "advantage creation".
Think of Marva Collins, one of the most legendary elementary school teachers of our time, as an example in education? Does Marva Collins have a positive illusion about her students? Not at all. Tal thinks Marva Collins is very practical. She focuses on the positive and creates strengths by doing so. This is also an example of practicing "virtue creation." Maslow said, "love can not only perceive potential, but also transform it into reality."
Finally, the fourth point of a lasting and healthy relationship is positive cognition and appreciation of each other.
For a healthy relationship to last as long as it's new, partners must be perceivers of each other's strengths and appreciate each other. You know that if you don't appreciate each other, then the goodness will depreciate and become dull.
In a healthy relationship, we learn to appreciate our partner's self-discipline, not stubbornness; appreciate his sense of humor, not humor as a trick. These strengths will be strengthened by focusing on each other's strengths.
Studies have shown that successful long-term happy couples are not only perceivers of merit, but also have a positive illusion that their partner is much better than others. This also proves that we often say the saying "beauty in the eyes of lovers".
In addition to the sense of merit, Tal also proposed an element of "strengthening the relationship between lovers" - "excellence creation". There will be some unseen points between lovers, so if you can make these points into advantages, positive amplification, this is in practice "advantage creation".
Think of Marva Collins, one of the most legendary elementary school teachers of our time, as an example in education? Does Marva Collins have a positive illusion about her students? Not at all. Tal thinks Marva Collins is very practical. She focuses on the positive and creates strengths by doing so. This is also an example of practicing "virtue creation." Maslow said, "love can not only perceive potential, but also transform it into reality."