Recovery Dariy 2 #trust issue

The good thing is that I slept 7 hours yesterday, is the first time I slept well since we broke up.

I suddenly realized the biggest issue between us is that I don't trust my boyfriend, but for him, he trust me too much. That was an inevitable gap and it will separate us eventually.

I trusted him in everything but I doubt his love. Because I can't feel it as I required, I want respect and attention from him but he always ignore. He brought me a lot of expensive things and give me his bank card, he almost spend all the money on me but I never told him that was not I wanted. I didn't enjoy the things that much but the feeling of having it, because that was the simple way to make me believe that he loves me. And him, as he trusted me entirely, he believes that I will never leave him, he didn't care what I feel, he likes to control everything and tell me what to do, he gets angry wilfully, ignore my feelings, disappeared as he wanted, never apologize, those actions make me confusing from time to time, that prossess repeated and repeated.

During the past 3 month we lived together I kept telling me that he doesn't love me that much and I feared about his leaving. That kind of distrust finally destroyed our relationship.

It is so sad that I haven't found the problem before, I still love him and if I could, I wish to resolve the problem with him together, hand by hand. Because I know that I will never meet another one who can get close to my soul, who attracts me both in physical and mind, who gives me the whole of his life. I spend 30 years found that person and I have no faith if I could meet another person for the next 5 or 10 years, or even the rest of my life. However love hurts, I already hurt him deeply and it is impossible to make it up.

Regret helps for noting. That is the great lesson I learned in those days. Accept, and be good. I started feel peaceful and freedom today, the good aspect is that I could see my needs and shortages in a new way, I got a chance to examine and educate myself. For the past 5 years I was protected in a comfort zone and now, I am out, suddenly I see the wild zone, there are so many things to conquer and learn, it is a long way to achieve a higher point.

We can understand the truth in a sudden but when come back to the real life, it needs lots of practice. This sentence in Chinese is “理可顿悟，事需渐修”, which is short, gentle, but powerful.

I re-pick the books I left before and re-examine myself, I was selfish, arrogant, greed, and refused to change. The pain wakes up the willing to be a better person. let's see how it works next days.