Romantic Love: A Self-Delusion

Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, but I do not cling. ― Anthony de Mello

The illusion of romantic love has taken over the society. You have been conditioned to believe that the ones who have found it are the only ones who are fulfilled in life. It is quite understandable though, I myself grew up with the cheesiest afternoon soap operas, Hollywood movies, and Disney fairytales. The happily-ever-after stories, self-help workshops, fancy marriage councilors all reinforce this idea that romantic love is the most important pursuit in life and is the ideal form of love.

The western lifestyle that lives up to this idea of romantic love only cause more divorce and depression in the society. The harsh truth is, the rich are just capitalizing on this false idea of love even more. Because there is profit to be made if you don't achieve that kind of romantic love. When these billion dollar industries cause more emptiness, people would pay more fancy doctors, buy more stuff, eat more unhealthy food and all these desperate attempts to take the easy fix. And there would be few greedy people trying to delude you with all these silly mental or personality disorders in order to make more money off you.

If you take a look at eastern philosophy, it teaches you that happiness does not depend on romantic love. Because that is not what real love is all about. It is more about freedom. But I don't mean you to just have sex with hippies until you get std, and no, not that kind of freedom. It is more about the merging of freedom. It is more about understanding each other - no demands and expectations. It is more about combing two whole and happy individuals.

It is nice to share happiness and to experience the exhilarating feeling of that 'in-love' stage, but you know that it will soon fade, everything is ephemeral. The hard part will soon come out in every relationship - that seeing through each other part. This is the time when you demand your other half to behave according to this illusion in which you have been conditioned all your life. If you want to experience real love, you have to drop this illusion. You have to unlearn what you have been taught. It is not easy but that is the only way to set yourself free. There is no shortcut- pay someone else to cure your own unhappiness or worse - suicide. You have to understand that the unlearning and learning would have to be done by you and you alone. You just have to accept that it is not easy.

All those movies telling you that if you are single still then there's something wrong with you. All that love songs telling you that you must be sad because you are alone. You got to find that prince charming or princess to complete you soon. Follow the predestined pattern - finish school - get a career - make a lot of money - find your soulmate - marry - divorce - find someone else and all that American dream. And that you will never be happy until you find someone to complete you. And all that one-night stands, drugs, alcohol and partying would only leave you feeling empty. People have always been desperately looking for the easy way, shortcut, and all that temporary fill. One has to have the indestructible vagina to face these feelings and recognize that happiness is already there - waiting to be awakened. It is not what your parents, friends, and lover could give you. Love and happiness will come to your life when you drop this illusion.

And of course, it is not as easy as it sounds. I was in a 5-year relationship and this was before I traveled. I thought it was the dead end of my life and I found myself just feeling more unhappy and empty. Until I learned that in order to love someone, I have to first love myself. I have to first recognize that happiness is just within me. It does not mean I have to be hunky-dory or feel excited all the time. It is more about being aware of my feelings - anger, hatred, sadness, anxiety. Then NOT remaining in that state. No matter what I am feeling at the moment, I know for sure that I am already a happy and complete person. It is all about watching myself in the mirror - like ok I have been angry or sad for too long now. It is time to stop. It is all about awareness.

You need to let go of this false belief that you are not complete and that you need someone or something to fill your sense of existential emptiness. Unless you recognize this, you will only find yourself jumping from one relationship to another, feeling not good enough for your partner. You will only demand your partner to fulfill your needs and fit into your ideal.

You don't have to give up anything or lose yourself for your soulmate. This is why I'd rather be alone for a long time than to be with someone who would not love me for who I am. It is the same way for the man - I would love to love him freely. Embrace his freedom so that he can totally be himself with me. There is no need to change each other because that is not what love is all about. Love is not based on lies and all that romantic love pretense.

I am not chasing this romantic idea of Hollywood movies because I know for sure that it is just an illusion. Capitalists make money off addicting love. Depression and emptiness are addicting. The lack of love is a serious business out there and capitalism does not really give a fuck about love. If you don't recognize this early on, then you are only making others richer and you are just perpetuating the sick system and disillusionment in this society even more. It is reaching other parts of the world and infecting the already happy communities - don't let that happen.

You don't need more stuff and romantic movies. You don't need to brainwash your kids with these fairytales. They need to know the truth if you want to save them from depression and grand disillusionment. There is no ideal lover anywhere you go in this world, seeking that person will only mess up your heart. Love is about understanding. You have to meet someone who is more than willing to love and accept you for who you are. But it does not mean that you have to accept someone who is abusive. And it also does not mean you need make this unrealistic demands from your partner. You want to make sure that you are happy with or without each other. The other is just an icing on a cake.

Letting go of those who wronged you - parents, past lovers, friends would set you free. People are not here to make you happy, I'm sorry but you just have to let that shit go. You owe happiness to yourself and living well is the best revenge. Make yourself happy first before welcoming another person into your life. Learn how to see through each other and only through that way you will experience real love. There is no perfect relationship - it does not exist. Everyone has flaws and you need to stop projecting that romantic fairytale on your partner. A relationship is not perfect but it is amazingly beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than sharing the good moments in your short life here on earth. Only by accepting what you have and not worrying about what you don't have is what will make you truly experience real love.

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