“I love you”s

I watched a really cute movie today ... that ended with two people finally saying I love you to each other ..... got me thinking .... about the two times I’ve said I love you for the first time .... and when it was said to me the first time .... it really caught me off guard.

I guess I have always felt like I was a wonderful person ... but at the same time ... I felt unworthy of being loved ..... I know I’m a smart girl .... I know I’m not an ugly girl... I’m not really the type to be down on myself .... but I come with a lot of issues and complications .... and I don’t feel I’m good enough to have to deal with all those complications and issues.

Both times I was caught off guard ... I loved them .... but didn’t expect them to love me ..... is it crazy that I remember every detail about those two times .. I can remember what I wore ... what they wore ... what the said how they said it ... and even the studded in his voice... when the last one said it to me .... I remember my pause .... my shock ... it took me a second to register it I guess .... bc I’m usually not at a loss for words .... lol

One is the father of my children ... and because of that will always be in my life .... the other was my best friend .... the one person in this world that I was completely myself with ... and despite that ... he loved me ... lol .... that’s a rarity ... like I said only twice in almost 40 years ..... I think a part of the friendship is still there .... I think that the way it ended was difficult for me to deal with at first .... I felt like he walked away ... without any notice or explanation.... I’m sure I didn’t make it easy for him .... I don’t really make anything easy for anyone in my life ... lol ... but I’d like to think that he will always be there for me as well .... I’d like to think that if nothing else .... our friendship was strong enough to keep in touch.

I just thought it was a cute little movie ... and the rainy ... snowy weather here ... turns me into such a sap ... and a mushy mess ... not the right movie for me to watch tonight ....and the way the I love yous were said in the end just made me remember .... a time when I felt loved ... whether they meant it or not ... I’d like to think they did .

Ps ... with all this snowy weather I didn’t feel like driving .... so my baby brother ( who’s not such a baby anymore ) ... drove me around this morning to run my errands since he had off ... I absolutely went to work in this snowstorm dressed like this to sign some papers !