LITTLESCRIBE: Should I date a single dad? Pros and Cons, please.
Post your question in the comment section below. Dating advice? Unruly neighbor? Difficult co-worker? Give me your best shot. I will respond to you in a new post. So be sure to follow me!
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DEAR LITTLESCRIBE:
Taking the boys I coach to Seattle this weekend. Is it wrong I think another coach there is really attractive? I have been having issues with my game plan, thinking about this coach. I know he is single, but he has "little people" who live with him. Just not sure I am into that.
Pros and Cons on getting a ready made family?
DEAR GAME PLAN:
Is it wrong to think he is attractive? Heck no! Coaches are sexy by default. Men and women alike.
On to the rest of your question—should you date someone who has kids if you’re not sure you are into that?
It depends. If you’re dating him just for fun, who cares? If he’s a good dad, he won’t introduce the kids to you unless you’re serious anyway.
But if things get past the third date, or he wants to know if your intentions are more than just casual, then you need to be UP FRONT and say NO. I DO NOT WANT A FAMILY RIGHT NOW. You don’t need to get into anything about "step" this or "step" that. Just say you don’t want a family right now. Then it should be up to him to decide if he wants to continue his escapades with you.
If he wants someone for keeps, anyone he dates is potential mama material. If you don’t like that idea, be sure to be fair to him and let him know or bow out quickly so he doesn’t waste too much time with you.
In the same vein, if your "casual" feelings turn into more "committed" ones, and you have decided you do NOT like the idea of step kids, then you need to do the right thing and leave promptly, or you will always be short changing him and the kids. Even if he begs you to stay. It's not the right thing to do. Dating a single dad is dating his kids too. They are super important little beings. And they and their dad are the same unit. IF you were to decide you did not want step kids, or HIS step kids in particular, you will never really love them properly, you might resent them, and they’ll always feel that you were an interference. And they WILL resent you and drive a wedge between you and your honey.
However, if you are on the fence about it, here are some PROS and CONS to dating a single parent:
PROS TO DATING A SINGLE PARENT:
PRO #1: Many single dads are SUPER AWESOME blokes.
They are some of the best kind of guys you will ever find. This is for a few reasons:
- Divorce has a way of fine-tuning a person if they make it a positive learning experience. And many do.
- They are braving the world alone in a sense. Single parents don’t have the luxury of hanging out with friends or catering to their own whims whenever they want. They also don’t have a companion to be by their side anymore and help with the kids, chores, etc. So the task can be a little bit isolating at times. Going it alone forces single parents to find out who they are. It requires a little more from the soul. It makes them more sensitive to joys and receptive to pleasures that others take for granted. It pushes them to limits they might have never thought possible. It requires a great deal of character and integrity and self-sacrifice. And they meet the challenge because they have little people counting on them all the time.
- Being a single parent makes you a better person, plain and simple, if you do it right. So those very kids who you worry might be a potential problem, are actually THE REASON he is as awesome as he is. Assuming he’s awesome. I’m going to assume he is.
PRO #2: The amazing opportunity you have to coach and mentor little human beings on a long-term basis—not just on the basketball court—is a remarkable thing. You may not ever get a chance like that. You have a lot to offer. They could really use your insight and wisdom. If you are too perfect, then that’s actually not a good thing. Capitalize on your imperfections and any self-doubt you may have, and how you've learned to overcome it. This will show the kids real life skills.
PRO #3: Single dads crave meaningful companionship. This is also for a few reasons:
- They are used to having a warm body to sleep next to every night. And now that’s gone.
- They can’t just pick up and go out like they used to, because they’ve got kiddos. So whatever time they get with another adult, especially a female one, is pretty special. And it will be treasured.
- They yearn for a more feminine presence around the house and around their children, and yours will be welcome.
- They know they’ve got a strike against them with having a glaring obligation in the form of “little people.” So they appreciate those who can understand their plight.
PRO #4: You love kids or you wouldn't be a coach. Being a step parent is one step up from being a really dedicated coach. It’s an awesome and daunting job. But the same principles of discipline, respect, fun, hard work, and love of game apply.
Making a decision to love a ready-made family may come a little more naturally to some than others, for many reasons. But the fact that you are contemplating it carefully is an indicator that you would make a good step parent because you're putting the kids first even by asking the question.
NOW FOR THE CONS:
CON #1: The step kids could be total brats. And frankly, if dad is not dedicated to teaching his kids how to be respectful and show appropriate boundaries, then this is really more a strike against him and not the kids. So have fun dating him short term, or not at all.
CON #2: Even with good kids, there is a huge learning curve to parenting in general, let alone to parenting them UNIQUELY. You have to really trust dad and default to him a lot, or you’ll be treading inappropriately on sacred ground and interfering when you really just mean to help.
Marriage and long-term commitments to ready-made families requires a great deal of preparation, communication, and flexibility. It is not for the faint of heart. It should include lots of family meetings, taking inventory on everyone’s feelings, making sure the adjustments made are not causing too much upheaval. It could also include taking parenting classes or family counseling to get things warmed up and moving in the right direction—especially if there is a conflictive EX or a court battle in the picture! Eek!
CON #3: You are not the mom. Kids tend to be very particular about who is the real parent and who isn’t. Even if the real parent isn’t that great. This can actually take a huge load off.
But sometimes step parents take this personally, especially if they believe the real parent is lousy and they are the ones doing all the real parenting. Each kid is different, and some step parent relationships can be a bit strained. But if you work it right and give the kids a lot of space to just be themselves, with NO expectations or pressure for them to love you or approve of you, and you show them that you are just here to support what makes them happy, you can very quickly foster a million-dollar relationship with them.
Kids ain’t dummies. They know you care about them. You're just there for them. Nobody cares about anything else.
CON #4: Custody issues. The last thing you need is courtroom drama. Talk about a buzz-kill. You need to know what you are getting into. Single parents often come with custody stuff. So be sure you’re on the up and up with his case, if there is one. Find out how he manages his stress. How does he talk about his ex? What is he doing to co-parent? Is he selfish and inconsiderate with her? Even if she “deserves” it? Then this is a huge red flag. Does he do his best to avoid drama and frustration, even if it is her "fault?"
My recommendation—don’t enter the picture unless custody issues are either mostly resolved, or you and the fellow you love have a good foundation and a solid grasp on how to behave maturely and manage conflict. Otherwise, it could get out of hand and burn an otherwise really great relationship. You don’t need that, and above all, the kids don’t need that.
The ex-wife may end up being a really good person, and easy to work with. And this will be a huge bonus if so. Or she may really be a monster. But this does not excuse bad behavior on dad's part or your part.
So…a lot to think about! Not just kids, but potential ex-wife issues, potential custody issues, potential conflict with the kids.
Why do people do it, then?
Because it’s such an awesome experience, being a step parent. Just ask my husband.
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