TO LIVE ........OR NOT TO LIVE........

Hello friends.......

I was all amped up to do my next post on how to help Minnows like me.... And I am still very passionate about that.... And I will write part 5.... It is all set out and ready for production.....

Now I am going to take a huge risk and reveal how I am feeling right now....... It will change tomorrow as it always does...... But some life stuff that is the present challenges got to me....... And when I got home I had 3 Glen Grant 10 year old single malts.... And I am feeling very honest and want to reveal my most inner thoughts for this moment....... Why the risk?..... Because what I say may be too intense for any of you to follow me anymore..... However.... I believe in integrity .... and I will not lie.... I will write what I am most passionate about for that moment........... and I will share the the best of me... and the most honest of me......and I will do so in the style I am used to....... I am sharing myself with you in the most raw and honest way..........

Once upon a time I was a child in the school yard who gave away my lunch most days because the sight of seeing other kids with nothing to eat stung me more than hunger did.... and I felt good doing that.... my best friend tells me that there is no such thing as altruism. As we are all trying to gain something. Whether he is right or not I felt good helping other people........ Other times I would defend other kids being bullied and got the shit beaten out of me..... But the pain of a beating was less painful than watching another being tormented and hurt.....

As a teenager..... I have resolved the issues of being bullied and I was not bullied on the most part..... Much of my days was spent studying hard and being a devoted Christian.... being God fearing.... and let me tell you... fear what I felt most of my days... As a fourteen year old... I did not swear.... did not lie at all.... and just operated in a way that was so perfect, it was hard to function in the real world.... I remember one occasion where when I purchased a school bag ... I got cheeky and changed the price tags on the bags and got myself 5 cents off and thought I was clever...... And the guilt of being dishonest..... and the fear of going to hell as God angry at me .... got me to go back to the shop and give back 5 cents and admit what I did..... They just looked at me like a dickhead lol.....

In my late teens...... I was well liked by most as I was kind..... quiet.... and most of all I was the go to guy if a test or exam was coming up in a couple of hours... On one occasion ai sat at a desk in the library facing the door at 9 am so anyone was free to come in and ask me questions before the 2pm exam.... people lined up for that.... I then discovered.... hey!!!! I have a thing for teaching......

In university... this carried on.... I was the president for social associations at my dorm... I often tutored others for free... Within my social circle people came to me with their problems big and small and I resolved it for them. In the days leading up to final exams I would often hijack a lecture theatre (there was no classes) and I would help out stressed out classmates that came to me and I would spend 12 hours at a time turning their fails into a B or a C successfully............

The most WTF...... and unexpected event was when my dad had a friend who had 15 year old son who was in crisis.... Without warning..... without reason or rhyme...... I found myself in the home of these people and left alone with this boy to council him out of a very bad decision....... I won't go into the details as that would be inappropriate.... But after 5 hours of conversation Indifferently got up and left.... He made the right choice...... and he is doing well even today..... I then saw something in myself that I did not recognise yet... But can you see I was feeling good... ALTRUISTIC.... but more so... EGOTISTIC.... I just did not know at the time....

I ended up as a teacher...... because I was good at teaching? NO!!!! My college sweetheart who I ended up marrying was going become a medical professional..... And so I had to be a professional to think was matching her.......

Yeah.... what a dickhead right? I know.....

My early to mid twenties was in teaching.... I was energetic.... I was gung ho.... I was making a difference... I was passionate... I was effective... I was outstanding... I was loved by my students... I felt significant... I was making a difference... I was helping people... I was making a massive contribution.... I was on a high.... I was a big fucken deal .... And it FUCKEN GOT TO ME HEAD....

Soon it was not about contribution anymore..... it was about me..... me, me , me , me, me, me..........

From there I built up an exponential resentment towards teaching as I felt there was a LACK OF GRATITUDE.... UNDERPAID..... FELT I DESERVED MORE...... EVERYTHING WAS UNFAIR...... FELT TO INSIGNIFICANT..... I WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.... BLAH BLAH FUCKEN BLAH........

From there..... I decided to turn to learning about investing in the stock market with my best friend (Whom I lost later forever because of my toxic ego)..... I also got proficient in internet marketing..... and I was buying land and investing in land..... and at one point built up a portfolio of eight residential properties.... Every year I remained as a teacher.... I reminded my colleagues that I am retiring in five years.... and that I am inviting all these hard working people older than me to my retirement party.... to make them feel good? Noooooooo!!!! To make me feel good..... I pranced around TELLING (not showing ) everyone I was sooo much better...... As a teacher.... and as a successful young person........ And left a trail of destruction wherever I went. Or maybe just look like the biggest cockead in the world.....

And guess what..... I retired at 27 years of age... massive property portfolio.... and nearly $20000 a month of passive income..... I of course quit teaching..... But was still around my former colleagues..... Those who loved me were still in my life... but not many....... People who doubted me were mentally and emotionally punished with my rubbing in their face that I have more and they have less...... And thinking back....... I have one word to describe myself....

So for the next two years.... I got up to cardio at the gym..... had a high protein low fat... low GI.... low carb expensive expensive cafe breakfast..... reading a newspaper...... went shopping....... had movie marathons in cinemas when everyone else was at work..... loved it............ loved being better than everyone else.......... did things I did not do before........

Went from being a fat boy to looking like this through spending a fortune on supplements and personal trainers... This was really me.... losing 35 kg

Absolutely loved myself.......

1998...... subprime..... GFC..... I lost 1.1 million dollars..... All my money.... all my parents money.... all the money of another family who insisted in investing in what I invested in.... I should have said no.... But I was greedy for the kickback.....

Suddenly.... I had all these mortgages to service and no income or savings...... My parents were in turmoil.... and had a mortgage again.... I freed them from their mortgage a few years earlier........ shit...... !!!!!

For the next year and a bit I was teaching in the daytime and labouring at night to make ends meet. I slept 2 hours a day and at times I felt I went insane.... When I was in the middle of that I did now know when it was going to end....... why did I keep on living......????

My parents needed me..... and my Ex wife was heavily pregnant with our first child........... I had to carry on......... life was so painful..... I wanted to die....... but could not...... as my family needed me.........

I just went on and on..... worked.... worked... worked.... everyday...... then every night..... I OWE... I OWE... IT'S OFF TO WORK I GO......

In time things became manageable..... my wife at the time stayed with me and saw it through..... My beautiful son was born .... I had b=very little part in his early childhood as I worked or slept..... In time I was ready to get back to my former glory and create wealth again..... But my ex wife no longer wanted any part of that and wanted an average and safe life.... I loved people and interaction... she loved the home..... I wanted her to join me ... she did not want me to leave the house.... She is a good woman but we grew apart..... I was unhappy as I held back... I held back as I knew I fucked up....... As the years went on..... I hated my marriage and strayed..... I was caught..... that lead to a divorce....... after all settlements I ended up homeless and $3000 after losing all of my properties.......

And again ... it was my fault and I had no one else to blame......

I was 32 years old..... And for the next few years I worked as management which I was promoted into in my laboring jobs.... And I lived a life of drugs.... drinking ..... lots of women....... hurting women..... more women.... anything I can do to numb the pain..... ironic thing is that some of these women cared for me more deeply than I deserved and I just wanted them their to alleviate boredom and loneliness......

I got by with a decent income saving nothing...... ignoring my parents...... seeing my son when it suited me, and being a SHIT FATHER when he was a baby (which I regret the most). I started and ended a couple of long term toxic relationships which cleaned me out for a third and fourth time...... while I drove the good women on the side away one by one who actually cared for me.......

Again the Universe was giving me a good swift kick in the ass I deserved.....

Minus too many details... the lesson was learned..... Through redundancy...... to door to door sales..... back to teaching..... I found myself again...

I stepped into the classroom again ... older.... experienced.... wiser..... and without the ego I had before....... And I reconnected with the joy of contribution. My talent and instinct for contribution is still there.......

My parents.... my awesome...selfless... hero.... parents.... were always there to feed me when I had no money to eat... and kept me alive when I was going to give up....

My few friends... who made sure I they were around when I was going to kill myself to stop me.... who turned up with a pizza and a 6 pack casually when they actually knew I had not eaten in a couple of days......

My beautiful Angelic son who at two years of age would come and hold me and say.... "daddy don't be sad.... I don't be sad........ I love you"....... time and time again... and is still close with me like sunlight and plants.......

And most of all.... reuniting with a girl from better days who knew me as a good man but never ended up together with..... Now we are happily married for three years..... and where the intense sense of love and passion has not ended and may not ever end....

I got a second chance.........

Today I am 40 years old..... I am a great teacher...... I am a content and very happy father...... I am closer with both my parents than ever...... I love being the best husband I can be..... I have a home..... I have a life.... I have a purpose......

To contribute........ and finding this space on steemit..... I can indulge in helping others through my words... I have been giving my best to do so....... I want other minnows to turn to whales and change their lives.... I have made many posts about that... But tonight is not about that.........

Dear friends who are going through impossible times....... no matter how dark.... no matter how painful........ THIS TOO WILL PASS.........

DO NOT TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE........ as that is a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.........

If I had been so stupid to do that on several occasions.... My son would have cried at my funeral... and gone on to living a very damaged life..... My parents will be grey haired people burying their blackhaired son and felt like they failed......(THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH....)

And the women who loves me like the Sun loves the Earth would have cried hearing about my death and knowing she would never connected with me again......

I spent man hours writing this and have spilt a lot of tears.......... I am less drink now........ And I hope that this will reach someone out there who is considering giving up.....

If you gave your time to read this... I am so grateful for your energy and time.... I don't want anything...... But can you please resteem this so this message can go far and wide.... If I can save one person from doing what I could have done it would be worth it....

Regards

Yoda