I DO NOT STICK TO SOMETHING

I think I should be afraid of what could happen if I do not stick to anything…

The bible says the beginning of wisdom is the fear of God fear what could happen if you stop doing these things.

If I do not stick to anything nobody is going to stick to me.

It seems like I am getting boring of being in the present moment.

I have arrived…hahaha to no fucking where.

I create myself contracts with several friends in order to do things that I said would improve my life in so many different ways.

I do not want depth in my life. I do not want difficulty in my life.

I need to be afraid of not doing it. [FOR ME] It is the best way to do things.

I am so freaking afraid of being rejected. Use fear in your way.

Today I felt the urge to drink again. It was a very powerful urge.

I am searching for people to take my pain away, I am searching for alcohol to take that pain away. I am searching for girls to take that pain away.

I am searching for friends to take my pain away. In these days, I cannot take my suffering under my shoulders.

I just cannot yet. It is very difficult to handle it.

There are a lot of things in the bag. I feel completely ALONE.

I just want to feel PRESENT in the moment. To be there whatever I am.

And Fatima has dropped my hope in women to the ground. I am a VICTIM…I know

I am resentful and I have a lot of rage against women and against people that I would judge like they betrayed me.

I know I am very selfish, I did not ask Carlos to go out with us.

But I asked him to watch the match at his home.

I am realising the freaking difficult that it is to change.

Even if you REALLY want to.

Your mind, your brain does not want you to do so.

What do I want for my kid? I truly want him to be present.

But how am I going to teach presence if I live in the lalala land.

Thank you for reading
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