Jesus, lady, you know how to write. And your experience is not just a common one. Like you said, it is the overriding human condition of loneliness. Some are better equipped to deal with it than others, but nobody escapes it entirely.

Some parts of this I feel were torn right from the darker alleys in my mind where I spent time when I was younger. Only your way of describing it is so much more beautiful.

Some people do not react well when I say this, so take it with a grain of salt if you disagree with this opinion, but when I was going through the kinds of things that you are talking about going through, I found that psylociben mushrooms worked WONDERS for helping me to look inside in a way that was brutally honest and yet nurturing. It enabled me to completely reset my psyche and I have never been the same since.

I am not saying that it will for sure work for you, but if it is interesting to you at all, read the Psychedelic Experience by Ralph Metzner, Richard Alpert, and Timothy Leary. It outlines exactly how to use the mushrooms for the maximum positive benefit, with the least amount of risk in terms of "losing control" or anything like that.

And of course, you can always find me on Discord if you would like to talk more about it. I have helped about a dozen or so other people through the initial phases all the way through their first experience with the mushrooms.

In any case, great job writing this all out in such a beautiful way, and I look forward to reading more from you.