Self-Defeatist & The Wisdom of Introspection
The definition of self defeating is some action or behavior that sabotages the thing that you are trying to accomplish. An example of self defeating is when you want to come across as mature, but you start name calling and sticking our your tongue at anyone who doesn't immediately recognize your maturity.
The key to your best follow through is understanding the limitations and restraints placed in the way of following through with your action and planning.
Obviously adjustments and refinements are a natural part of the life play here. The point of focus here today is on "Self-Defeat". This is a point I've shied away from within myself - only really glossing at the character play out.
I've had issue at times with really keeping on and improving myself with the points I've created in my life as the things I'm into. I've had issues with keeping on with routines that are encouraging and fostering growth and development in myself...my living.
My issue here is that I've had a propensity to give up and drop things. Like everything has always been disposable. I never really considered why this is. Why is everything so expendable...why is everything so easily tossed to the side and disregarded. Why is it that the care and the passion can be dropped in an instance - and the song and dance is "off to the races"..."on to the next thing."
For me the point here is Gambling.
I've been a gambler within my living.
I've been taking risks and pushing things to see what the outcome would be. I like to challenge the outcomes. I am interested always in the best outcomes. Sometimes...I'm very uncertain as to how the play out will go but I risk it anyways and make a bold play. It's been a way in which I've challenged a lot of decisions in my living. I've fucked with myself in this way too - I've challenged the point of making compromising decisions to my detriment. I've challenged myself to walk decisions from the cutting edge of time as the unknown.
The self-defeatist character has been some what of an underlying coping mechanism. Where I've held onto this idea that it's like I'm always battling my own self-defeatist mind set....as like these waves come upon me at times and it's like I have a block from being consistent in my action in my living...it's a point of quitting...and just giving up....it can be like a distraction experience....and then it's all making sense because there's this new energy....new charge about this new thing....This has been like a casino way of existing.
This I Got to win attitude where it's like "never enough" and within the holding onto the "never enough" attitude...everything is risky....and is compromisable....is negotiable.
I never really considered how defeating it is to hold onto an inferior outlook of myself as a general acceptance that I'm always somewhat coping with a loss and being down and so I am always fighting to be a winner and getting ahead.
I realized that sometimes this defeatist character experience and thinking would be justified by me at times...as like settling into a moment of self-defeat as like a self-deluded point of relaxation...where it's like I justify settling for less within myself and my participations....making excuses like the thinking, "ohh I've done enough for today already...I can treat myself to fucking off and doing nothing for awhile."
It's a been a subtle point that has grown in me for a long time - this casual drop out. This point of I will do what I feel like. Not seeing nor understanding the source of my feeling coming from this depth of sadness within me...as an acute discomfort I've been nervous about as it's like that very point of hitting a nerve at the core of yourself....your real guts. your nerves.
I've been too lenient within accepting and allowing compromise within my living. I've been compromising with myself. I've allowed my guts to influence and control my directions in life. For better or for worse.
It's an interesting point - My Guts.
What I've been discovering about my guts - is that there's an acute sensitivity in the depths of my gut. There's a sensitivity and vulnerability I've been afraid of. I've been reactive to this acute sensitivity. I've been running and hiding from it. I've been fighting it. I've been distracting myself from it. I've been covering it up and coping for it.
It's a point of suppression. A holding back. This holding back is a part and a piece of me. It's this point of sadness that I've burdened myself with. Like I am always holding onto the sting of a loss. And by being so uncomfortable with this experience in myself - there's been a real tendency to accept and allow my very own self-defeat in my living. Not realizing nor understanding this form of self-censorship....this inferior inner dialogue....this point of weakness that's actually not this great restraint at all.... it's simply my guts.
Within my investigations of my guts I've been quite guarded and controlled from the perspective that I've just kept pushing on my guts in an attempt to understand myself as my guts here. There's a point of courage here. I've both challenged and suppressed my courage.
It's been a real flip flop for me - I've been deceptive from the perspective that I've accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose which gut feelings to be an obstacle/limitation and which are acting as a support of push and challenge for myself. Deception in allowing the choice of settlement or unsettlement within myself.
In learning about this part of myself - my guts - I understand and realize how I've existed within the self-defeatist character...and why I've had such difficulty and hardship within myself as the experiences I've been avoiding to settle.
I realize I've shown myself in moments how to exercise the courage that arises from the vulnerability of my guts.
I realize my body is here to support in me in my best communications and life development. My body is integral to my living.
I realize I've discounted massively the technology of my body here.
I realize that by studying and really learning from my guts...my discomforts....my courage - I change the narrative as my follow through in living words.
It was so difficult for me to stop reacting to my acute sensitivity....I was stuck in a holding pattern of something being wrong and bad and that there's a real problem here. The problem so much so has been me and the management of my guts - not understanding what it means to live courage as who and how I am here 100%.
It's become a really fascinating investigative story to get to know all of myself here. The bits and pieces that make up me here. Initially I was so insecure about my discomforts that it's like acknowledging and talking about weakness within me...a point of not being as good as I would like....was so believed to be self sabotaging....like against my very religion....I had no idea that I was living this religion of self....like an ego self to such an extent that I was actually willing to fight my body communication with myself....and attempt to override my body awareness with mind control as my ultimate deception and suppression.
Remember
In order to really get to know something and or someone, it requires you to settle yourself...to actually stop and see what we have here without judgement and or reservation. To really get to know our own Guts.
What's that saying?
No Guts, No Glory....
The Glory is in Living the day as a day is a life time here - Face every bit of your story and direct the narrative as the leading care taker custodian here.
Care to give a fuck and then some.
STAY TUNED FOR MY FOLLOW THROUGH UPDATE
Recent Posts that were like huge players in the creation of this Piece
From Suppressing the Best Outcome to Crafting It
The Secret of Success: Just Keep Showing Up
Consistency is a Fun and Funny Story
Body Awareness, Posture and Breath
The other bits for me to give more clarity to include:
Questions about career, living environment, relationships, extra curricular,...
What do I want to create for myself here without restraint. What do I want to do if I can do whatever I want to do without restraint. Where do I want to live if I can live anywhere without restraint. Who do I want to live with.
What do I really want to commit myself to.
Do I really want to commit myself to anything in particular?
STAY TUNED FOR THE FOLLOW THROUGHS
CHEERS AND BEST REGARDS
THANKS FOR TUNING IN
Decentralized Media Broadcasting is the Future - Sharing Because You Want to
FREE - UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME - WEEKLY CRYPTOCURRENCY PAYOUT
- What I like about this social experiment, is the fact that it's success is directly dependent on ordinary people everywhere - where there's a willingness to say,
"Yes - I accept a weekly payment for being a human being to cover my basic costs of Existing Here."
As I was reading I came across this point you make towards the end - that its difficult to escape one's sensitive nature.
I also understand that sensitive nature can lead to some colored perceptions. I have struggled unsuccessfully to some degree with it. It is easy for people to say that one shouldn't be that sensitive or one should grow a thicker skin. I wonder if they even realize that they are asking a person to change their nature.
Nice Observation and question.
There's a certain responsibility required in stepping forth to support someone in changing their nature for the better. It's a challenging point because it's a commitment to walk with that other person through their up's and downs....and making a commitment of trust can be a scary bridge to take. because your vulnerable within opening up a bridge of trust...and our vulnerability is the source of our unsettlement...the shit we hide from..
Deep Stuff.
this is so learning able post. I learn many things from your post. this is awesome post. many many thanks for share. be continuous sir........
So whether the paid upvotes are "advertising" or simply a way for people to make a profit, they by themselves are definitely not the problem. And frankly I use bid bots myself to make a profit, so I don't see anything wrong with that either. I think the problem people have is much deeper, and the bots bear the brunt of the anger as they are easy targets because of 1) some bad apples that take advantage of users 2) lack of transparency (but getting much better) and 3) there is a lack of consistency in enforcement of what is considered "good".
Maybe that's just it....we don't need to enforce and judge what is good so much....
that seems to be the core thing that works people up.....
it's that very judging and comparing and feeling things are more or less deserving....it's like a fucked up condition and consequence from child hood of "things aren't fair" and "how dare you"
you are right. some time we do such thing that kill us ....
thank for sharing. upvoted
nice post.... thanks for shearing