A codependent love story

Her

Beautiful, scarred, creative, irreverent, loyal, unique, funny, generous, honest, passionate, caring, insecure, perfectly imperfect…

The card

We met at a community support program for young adults with mental illness. I was recently released from the psych ward and long term care facility. She was suffering from depression and she had been in the group for a year before I joined. I remember one day in our group sessions I was talking about how I didn’t have any friends and she busted out “I’ll be your friend!”. I think we were both a bit embarrassed. Over the next weeks we played skipbo together and she thought it was cool we both had the same Nokia 710. I assumed that she had a boyfriend but it turned out it was just a guy that was basically stalking her. Anyways on Valentine’s Day 2005 she gave me a card with her phone number and it said call me.

There’s a Hitch

I gave her a call and we talked for hours I was leaving on a trip to Florida that weekend and I asked her to come with me, but she said no… smart girl. When I got back I called her again and we set up a date for that weekend. We saw Hitch at the theater and went out for coffee. There is one thing I haven’t said about her, she was a heart transplant patient. At this point I saw that it was getting serious and now I was faced with a choice. Was I going to pursue a relationship with this woman. She was going to have lifelong health problems. The life expectancy of a heart transplant patient is about 10 years. Also she had depression she was disabled and would never have a job could she be the mother to my children I had so many doubts.

I’m a jerk

I made up my mind. She came into my life for a reason. She had something to teach me and there was an adventure that I could not walk away from. I remember talking to her on the phone late one night and warning her that I was a jerk and I was going to break her heart one day and I basically was not boyfriend material. This based on past relationships. I’m not sure how she responded anymore but she wasn’t giving up on me. My dad didn’t think this was a good situation. He was concerned for my future and he strongly warned me against getting involved with her. Disregarding his advice I went ahead.

SEX

Our relationship continued we saw each other almost everyday. One day we were making out and she demanded I take my pants off. The sex was amazing. That night I met her mom for the first time. Her mom had the same condition and was waiting on the list for a new heart.

I’m neurotic

I think it’s important to talk about my insecurities. So basically every previous girlfriend I had broken it off because I assumed they were cheating on me. I basically fought this thought every moment we were apart. I knew that I had to break this mindset or I would never have a successful relationship. I used several tricks like I had to say I don’t care she likes me the most what she does is her business or anything else to not upset myself.

Family

After dating about two months I got a new job and her dad who she was living with was getting evicted. We moved in together and got an apartment near my new job. For the next 9 years we bounced around from apartment to apartment moving every almost every year. Often her dad would move in when he lost his place. He was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler. She also had a large extended family and they basically took me in right away. On the other hand she hated spending time with my family and this was a contentious topic.

The drugs

When we first started dating she gave me an ultimatum it was her or the pot and I chose her. I was pleased with my decision. She on the other hand was addicted to painkillers on top of her heart issues she had fibromyalgia and sleeping issues. So there were zombie nights on Ambien and she rarely slept when she took them and would wander outside. I could not talk to her or get her to come in it was scary and frustrating. She also had anxiety so let’s throw Xanax into the mix. One day I came home for lunch and she was trying to strip on the deck. I learned how to talk to her on this stuff by now and I told her I was going to bring her to Chipolte that was her favorite. Needless to say I took her to the ER she said “this isn’t Chipotle”. She was put in detox for the next few weeks and was the best decision I could have made. She never stopped using, but it was bearable.

Her pain

I once asked her about the first time she had sex. She told me one of her friend’s dad molested her when she was 13. That makes me angry to this day. Her parent’s divorce got divorced when she was a teen and she basically raising her sister and brother because her mom had left them for another man. She had a complex relationship with her dad she loved him but his behavior had let her down so many times. She didn’t seem to let those thing bother her, she was too afraid she was going to die. She couldn’t sleep because she thought she would never wake. She was guilty that someone had to die so that she could live. Her mom never got the heart she needed and died waiting for a transplant. All I ever wanted was to make her pain go away.

Who’s cheating who?

I would get mad that she would talk for hours with other men on the phone ex-boyfriends and men she met on the internet. I wanted her to know how it felt so I went looking for other women too mostly we just chatted on the web. Twice I went too far, she never found out about those, but she did find my chats and emails. That was a few weeks before the deck incident above. Seems I was becoming just another source of pain for her. I know it wasn’t her fault she wanted company attention I couldn’t give her. I don’t know how far she went with these guys and I don’t care. Once a girlfriend of one of these guys contacted me on MySpace. I had to apologize for her messing up their relationship.

Couple’s therapy

We decided to see her therapist together. Some things I said were my head says leave but my heart says stay and It’s too much pressure to be someone’s everything. So the therapist said we should split up so we stopped going to see her. We worked through our things and were stronger because of it. If I left it would destroy her and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was happy with her despite the late night trips to the ER which happened nearly every month we were together. With her compromised immune system just about anything was a big deal. I was there when her mom died, I was there when she miscarried, and the abortion, she was there when I lost my job three times. As much as there were bad times there were so many more good times, we knew our love was strong. We had been engaged for about six years, but we could never get married or she would lose her health coverage and we would go bankrupt in about two days we were just barely making it as we were.

When the music stopped

I got a text from her at work she wanted me to pick up a bag of ice on my way home and we were going to have a drink by the pool and make dinner. It was a beautiful day hot and the water was cool basically a perfect summer night. We swam and I cooked for her. After dinner we sat on the couch and we were watching TV. She took a deep breath and her head fell to the side. I didn’t know what was happening if she fell asleep, I tried to wake her, her eyes were rolled back and I thought she was having a seizure. I called 911 they said get her on the floor pump her chest the ambulance is on the way.. I’m bawling.. What’s taking so long.. Then 1 knock at the door… I let them in and I lost my shit. They talk to me and calm me down, they said they got her back briefly and were loading her in the ambulance. I was calling everyone, her grandma, her dad, nobody is answering. I rode up front in the ambulance and I’m telling them her history everything they need to know. We get to the hospital and I see them unload her, veins popping on her face, eyes bulging, staring blankly… I LOVE YOU I bawl. While I am waiting I call my dad. Then the chaplain comes over and asks if I want to say good bye. I go in and the machine is pumping her chest and the doctors say they can’t do anything. I touch her face tell her I love her. I walk out in the hall and hit the floor. I would say this was by far the worst day of my life. Many of the details are tattooed on my mind and just writing this brings tears still today. People eventually arrived, my dad first, then her godfather, then her grandmas, aunts, her brother and dad. We had a service a few days later and she was cremated.

What happened

Her heart was not as healthy as people had thought. She was supposed to get a valve repaired but the surgery was canceled after she went into the operating room because the doctor wasn’t prepared. It took a lot to get her to agree to it in the first place. She decided to switch hospitals. In the autopsy it came out that the scar tissue were here arteries were attached to the new heart collected plaque and were more than 90% blocked there was nothing anyone could have done. They say she was dead before I called 911. I’m glad she didn’t suffer and I’m glad it was a surprise for her so she wouldn’t worry. Sometimes I wonder if she knew it was coming though.

Her gift

She gave me all her love for nine good years. This post hasn’t talked about all the good things because it would break the blockchain. I was happy with her so happy. She gave me a reason to live a reason to take care of myself. I had to be healthy and strong to carry her though. I only regret two things, not making her my wife, and cheating. I learned to be strong. I learned to live. I learned how to care for someone else more than myself. I learned to enjoy the simple things and make the most of each and every moment. I learned how to love.